Death jokes
A man in conversation with his friend says that his wife is on a 3-week diet. The friend curiously asks, how much has she lost? The man replies, "her life."
People see this Rolex and they kill themselves.
Motherfucker, that's a suicide watch!
Stephen Hawking died due to the BIOS update. He shut down because the power cable got chewed.
How do you tell if someone is depressed?
The brains on the wall.
There were 3 blonde scientists...wait that’s not the joke. The first one said “we are going to pilot the first unmanned spacecraft to land on the sun.”
The second one said “but we can’t do that - if we get within 5 feet of the sun we’ll freeze to death!”
The third blonde says “so we go at night.”
1: I wish my cancer could kill me quicker so I don't have to do this class anymore.
2: I'm dying, finally.
3: I'm sorry, I can't go to your party because I'm expected to be dead by then.
On a serious note, I might actually have cancer and I'm getting checks. I hope for the best :/
I lost $10,000, so I killed my piggy bank, so I get a real pig and money which my money is fake, but the janitor said it is real, so I killed myself and turned into a real human.
My dad said, "Where's Pickles, the family cat?" I said, "I'm sorry to say he's in the sky." He said, "Oh, I see, he passed away." No, I strapped him to 20 fireworks!
Stephen Hawking didn’t die naturally, his carer just forgot to put him on charge.
I heard a neat little trick you can use to have a public pool all to yourself. If you blow a whistle 3 times, everyone will just get out!
I knew this one guy who liked to swim with the fishes, then the mob got a hold of 'em...
"FUCK IT HURTS SO BAD PLEASE SEND AN AMBULANCE I CAN'T BREATHE (I am Paul Walker btw)"
What did Michael Jackson say?
Nothing, he's dead.
What do Michelangelo and Kurt Cobain have in common? They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.
Did you know Paul Walker had dandruff?
Neither did I until I found his Head and Shoulders in the glove compartment.
My favorite bath bomb is a toaster.
One day my friend said: "I want tacos from Katie's, you?" and I said no thanks and she left. I never saw her again. Today I remember that I saw her name on TV as one of the victims of suicide, then I remember her and my motto: "If I'm dying, you're dying with me, you got no choice." I NEVER ate tacos from Katie's again.
Knock knock.
Orphan: Who's there?
Not your parents.
Cremation: Your last chance for a smoking hot body.
What do school shooting jokes and school shooting victims have in common? They never get old.