Death jokes

If an old person tells you what to do just say, "At least my parents are alive!"

Is shooting and killing a pregnant woman a spawn kill or double kill?

What's the difference between a (hypothetical) girl and cancer?

Her dad didn't beat cancer.

I had an uncle who was a conductor. He wasn’t a symphony conductor, nor was he a street car conductor, nor was he a train conductor. He was struck by lightning.

Why are orphans' funerals so small?

They have no loved ones.

Man dies.

The parents used to hit him.

His parents got into a car crash and died.

He became an orphan in an orphanage. The people there hit him. He looked up and said "Parents?"

Who are the fastest readers in the world?

The 9/11 victims. They went through 200 stories.

Ask an orphan this: "What's the difference between cancer and your dad? Cancer comes back!"

I wasn’t close to my dad when he died. It’s a good thing he stepped on a land mine.

The moment when you're too depressed to fantasize about death--it's so tiring.

What helped the Lakers win the Finals? Kobe's passing!

Q: What did one snake say to the other?

A: Nothing because they are both dead.

Why did the mailman die?

Because everyone dies.

As I was eating this girl out, I thought I tasted some horse semen... I exclaimed, "Oh, Grandma! That's how you died!"

Ama is a bitch. I want him to die and kill himself.

Knock, knock.

"Who's there?"

Not your dad.

How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?

More than five because my basement is still dark.

My teacher said, "Say welcome to our new student; he's an orphan." The teacher said, "Is anyone missing?" I said, "That kid's parents."

My dad drove past a graveyard. He said, "I won't be buried there." I asked why.

He said, "Because I am not dead yet!"