Death jokes
The undertaker's famous saying is "Rest In Peace" to all of his opponents, but really they don't rest in peace. The only peace they get is from God.
1: My grandpa died last year.
2: What kind of cancer?
1: He was hit by a bus! It's called bus cancer.
How do you tell when your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
When you throw paper at a hill, you can say, "Hey, look, it is like Kobe's helicopter!"
What's black and white, black and white, black and white, black and white...? A dead nun rolling down a hill.
What's yellow and can't swim?
A school bus full of dead babies.
What do you call a bullet head?
JFK.
A man who desperately wanted to be good after serving time in prison was visited by an Angel. "You want to change? You can still enter heaven on two conditions. You must bet on the horses with any money you have and pass your winnings to someone less fortunate, and you must never hold on to any beef." The Angel then disappeared.
The man did as was told and became generous and kind. As he emerged from the betting office with all his money, he would pass every penny of it all to a deserving person each and every time.
He, however, couldn't seem to avoid meat and would still eat it no matter what.
When he died, the Angel came back for him.
"But I'm undeserving; I can't come with you," he said.
"Yes, you can," replied the Angel, "you gave all your stake (steak) away."
Why did Stephen Hawking die?
He tried to download a free version of Windows.
What's better than a pile of dead babies?
One that's alive in the middle that has to eat its way out.
A killer gone up to 5 people and killed 4 of them. There were 2 couples and 1 third wheel. The 5th one was left single out...
How did Stephen Hawking die? His wife needed to charge her iPhone.
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
She wasn’t wearing her seatbelt.
Did you know Princess Diana had dandruff? They found her head and shoulders all over the windshield.
I like my girlfriends like my children: dead.
What did my grandpa say after he kicked the bucket?
Nothing, I unplugged his life support before he said a word.
If you cut off your head, you can't breathe.
You also can't breathe if you die.
So why isn't it debreathiation?
What happened when the 400+ women ate a slice of cake?
She died the next weekend.
I was in a toxic relationship. After some time, my girlfriend died. Her name was Happy. Still got no clue of her body, and here I am lying on the bed so fucking happy.
The "P" in Batman stands for parents.
How do you make an orphan's hands bleed?
Make him clap until his parents come back.