Death jokes

My grandfather told me I’m too reliant on technology, so I unplugged his life support and called him a hypocrite. I doubt he ever said that to anyone ever again.

Ask an orphan this: "What's the difference between cancer and your dad? Cancer comes back!"

My mom said, "Don't jump off, we need you."

I said, "No," then I jumped off a building and died.

I wasn’t close to my dad when he died. It’s a good thing he stepped on a land mine.

The moment when you're too depressed to fantasize about death--it's so tiring.

Why do orphans have water with their cereal?

Because dad never came home with the milk.

What do Nelson Mandela and Paul Walker have in common?

They both died at 95.

I had an uncle who was a conductor. He wasn’t a symphony conductor, nor was he a street car conductor, nor was he a train conductor. He was struck by lightning.

Who are the fastest readers in the world?

The 9/11 victims. They went through 200 stories.

Ama is a bitch. I want him to die and kill himself.

My dad drove past a graveyard. He said, "I won't be buried there." I asked why.

He said, "Because I am not dead yet!"

Knock, knock.

"Who's there?"

Not your dad.

My teacher said, "Say welcome to our new student; he's an orphan." The teacher said, "Is anyone missing?" I said, "That kid's parents."

How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?

More than five because my basement is still dark.

Scientist time travels into the year 2024.

Scientist: So, what happened with the storming of Area 51?

Pedestrian: Oh, you mean The 51 Massacre?

Pass around the roses, their casket full of hoses, crash it, watch it, the water! OH SHIT IT'S GONNA BLOW!

I like my women like my coffee—ground up and frozen.

Damn! Really stole my friend's glasses. Well, now they're blind, but not really, they're dead.

What is the difference between onions and my dead grandma?

I cried when I cut up the onions.

Which falls faster, an apple or an emo kid?

The apple, because the emo kid is hanging.