Death jokes

My favorite sex position is the JFK:

I splatter all over her as she screams and tries to get out of the car.

What's the same about dark humor and kids with cancer?

They never get old.

Why did the skeleton want a friend? Because he was feeling bonely.

I bought a new shotgun the other day. Want to know what I called it?

Kurt Cobain's microphone.

My mom asked, "Why are you so depressed? It could be worse. You could be Tracy Latimer."

I replied, "I wish I were Tracy Latimer because then someone would kill me."

I like my women like my coffee—ground up and frozen.

What is worse than a dead baby in a trash can?

100 dead babies in a trash can.

What is worse than that?

There's a live one at the bottom.

What is worse than that?

It eats its way out.

What is worse than that?

It comes back for seconds.

Stephen Hawking died crossing the road. He was hit by a Universal Serial Bus.

A man is telling his story to someone. "My friends always said that they would kill me if I wore Gucci or Supreme. On April 1st, I wore both and conversed with them."

"Interesting."

"That's the story of how I got to the morgue," he says to The Gatekeeper of Heaven.

Question: How did the cat cross the river?

Answer: It didn’t, it drowned.

Knock knock!

Who’s there?

Dad!

Dad who?

Silence.

What did the skeleton say when the other skeleton lied to him?

"You can't lie to me! I can see right through you!"

Damn! Really stole my friend's glasses. Well, now they're blind, but not really, they're dead.

Is shooting and killing a pregnant woman a spawn kill or double kill?

What's the difference between a (hypothetical) girl and cancer?

Her dad didn't beat cancer.

What's the difference between fruit and a freshly killed corpse?

I don't eat the fruit.

What helped the Lakers win the Finals? Kobe's passing!

My grandfather told me I’m too reliant on technology, so I unplugged his life support and called him a hypocrite. I doubt he ever said that to anyone ever again.

Who are the fastest readers in the world?

The 9/11 victims. They went through 200 stories.

Ask an orphan this: "What's the difference between cancer and your dad? Cancer comes back!"