Death jokes
Make a wish kid: I want to meet Mac Miller.
Make a wish staff: You will soon, chief.
There was a penguin breathing with his ass. One day, he sat down and he died.
The orphanage said I couldn't go home.
Your dad is gone.
I work at a morgue and we wrap the bodies in bubble wrap.
I was working the night shift and just looking at the security cameras, but then I heard popping behind me!
How did Helen Keller die?
Her ex gave her plutonium and told her to eat it.
Part 2: He walks up to a stake and nails himself there. Then he finds the knife and says to someone to find a cake to celebrate his death, but everybody came. That was the sign that nobody loved him, and that's how you know if people love you.
I just wanted to write something random.
And now my wife is dead.
How do stars die? Usually a overdose in an airport.
Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?
He pasta-way.
A man and his friend walk into a bar on a 30-story building and order a drink of beer. Then one of the men jumps out the window and he can fly, so he says to his mate, "Gary, take a sip of this drink, it makes you fly!" So Gary takes a sip of the drink, jumps out the window, and dies. And the bartender says, "Gee, Superman, you're a douche when you drink!"
A 23 year old priest walks into a high school with an automatic weapon. He tells those who believe in God to stand up and leave.
To the children who don't leave, he says, "Do not worry my children, I shall make thou 'hole-y' as well."
He then proceeds to shoot all of the students left.
If only Caesar hadn’t left home that day...
What's the difference between Paul Walker and my computer?
When my computer crashes, I actually give a fuck.
In about ten days, Stephen Hawking's wheelchair is going to have its first and last service.
What's harder than nailing a dead baby to a tree?
My dick while I'm doing it.
What's red and white and lives in a blender?
A baby.
What is white, black, and red and can't fit through a revolving door?
A nun with a spear through her head!
What is the difference between Princess Diana and my laptop?
When my laptop crashes, I give a s**t.
What's the difference between cancer and me?
My dad didn't beat cancer... Whelp, I guess I stole that one.
How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Well, there are 69 in my basement, and it's still dark.