Death jokes

What starts with "M" and ends in "arrige" and is a man's favorite thing?

Miscarriage, this joke never gets old, just like the baby.

Where did the mushroom kill himself?

In the mushroom.

What’s the difference between me and Chester Bennington?

I know how to use an exercise band.

Stephen Hawking did not die; he deleted himself.

He’s not dead, just his storage unit.

OMG guys, I finally did it. I made a head slicey boy. I have headless.

I turned the light on, and my dad said turn it off, so I unplugged his life support.

Said the man angered to his wife:

"Now stop the damn suicide tries! Just look at the gas bill!?"

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Your dad.

But my dad's dead.

I know, just reminding you!

There once was a woman who had 10 kids. Their names were:

Tenth, Twenty, Thirty, Forty, Fifty, Sixty, Seventy, Eighty, Ninety, and One Hundred.

Everyone but Ninety died. She also had 10 kids.

These 10 kids got a dog without Ninety knowing. They had him for 2 years until he got hit by a car.

Only Ninety's kids know about this.

A man is in purgatory. He says he suddenly was shocked by something, so he died.

The guard at purgatory says: "I can give you one more chance to live!"

He revives the man. The man gets up, but something doesn't feel right... He looks in the mirror to see what's wrong. He closes his eyes and hears something.

Guard: "Welcome back! You found the problem!"

What's the difference between Stephen Hawking and a baby? The baby is still alive.

Don’t you just wanna hang around, like Chester?

1: My grandpa died last year.

2: What kind of cancer?

1: He was hit by a bus! It's called bus cancer.

The undertaker's famous saying is "Rest In Peace" to all of his opponents, but really they don't rest in peace. The only peace they get is from God.

How do you tell when your wife is dead?

The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.

When you throw paper at a hill, you can say, "Hey, look, it is like Kobe's helicopter!"

What's yellow and can't swim?

A school bus full of dead babies.

What do you call a bullet head?

JFK.

A man who desperately wanted to be good after serving time in prison was visited by an Angel. "You want to change? You can still enter heaven on two conditions. You must bet on the horses with any money you have and pass your winnings to someone less fortunate, and you must never hold on to any beef." The Angel then disappeared.

The man did as was told and became generous and kind. As he emerged from the betting office with all his money, he would pass every penny of it all to a deserving person each and every time.

He, however, couldn't seem to avoid meat and would still eat it no matter what.

When he died, the Angel came back for him.

"But I'm undeserving; I can't come with you," he said.

"Yes, you can," replied the Angel, "you gave all your stake (steak) away."