Death jokes

How do you tell when your wife is dead?

The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.

When you throw paper at a hill, you can say, "Hey, look, it is like Kobe's helicopter!"

What's yellow and can't swim?

A school bus full of dead babies.

What do you call a bullet head?

JFK.

A man who desperately wanted to be good after serving time in prison was visited by an Angel. "You want to change? You can still enter heaven on two conditions. You must bet on the horses with any money you have and pass your winnings to someone less fortunate, and you must never hold on to any beef." The Angel then disappeared.

The man did as was told and became generous and kind. As he emerged from the betting office with all his money, he would pass every penny of it all to a deserving person each and every time.

He, however, couldn't seem to avoid meat and would still eat it no matter what.

When he died, the Angel came back for him.

"But I'm undeserving; I can't come with you," he said.

"Yes, you can," replied the Angel, "you gave all your stake (steak) away."

What's better than a pile of dead babies?

One that's alive in the middle that has to eat its way out.

Why did Stephen Hawking die?

He tried to download a free version of Windows.

A killer gone up to 5 people and killed 4 of them. There were 2 couples and 1 third wheel. The 5th one was left single out...

The "P" in Batman stands for parents.

I was in a toxic relationship. After some time, my girlfriend died. Her name was Happy. Still got no clue of her body, and here I am lying on the bed so fucking happy.

Baby Shark be like, "It's the END," bruh, they dead.

How do you make an orphan's hands bleed?

Make him clap until his parents come back.

Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

She wasn’t wearing her seatbelt.

Did you know Princess Diana had dandruff? They found her head and shoulders all over the windshield.

What did my grandpa say after he kicked the bucket?

Nothing, I unplugged his life support before he said a word.

I like my girlfriends like my children: dead.

How did Stephen Hawking die? His wife needed to charge her iPhone.

If you cut off your head, you can't breathe.

You also can't breathe if you die.

So why isn't it debreathiation?

What happened when the 400+ women ate a slice of cake?

She died the next weekend.

Q. What do you call a CEO that's been shot in the head?

A. An ambulance.

After a long labor, a doctor approaches the new mother and says, “Ma’am, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. What would you like?” After quickly thinking it over, she responds, “I’ll have the bad news first, doctor.”

The doctor replies, “Well, I’m not sure how to put this, and I’m sorry to have to tell you, your child has red hair.”

Relieved, a smile spreads across the mother’s face. “Doctor, if that’s the bad news, what’s the good news?” The doctor replies, “He’s dead.”