Death jokes

Make a wish kid: I want to meet Mac Miller.

Make a wish staff: You will soon, chief.

Stephen Hawking died because his wife misunderstood him when he said, "My Windows Needs Updating." She had the double glazing removed, and he fell out and died.

A man and his friend walk into a bar on a 30-story building and order a drink of beer. Then one of the men jumps out the window and he can fly, so he says to his mate, "Gary, take a sip of this drink, it makes you fly!" So Gary takes a sip of the drink, jumps out the window, and dies. And the bartender says, "Gee, Superman, you're a douche when you drink!"

A 23 year old priest walks into a high school with an automatic weapon. He tells those who believe in God to stand up and leave.

To the children who don't leave, he says, "Do not worry my children, I shall make thou 'hole-y' as well."

He then proceeds to shoot all of the students left.

My granddad died in Auschwitz in WW2...

He fell from a tower.

If only Caesar hadn’t left home that day...

What's the difference between Paul Walker and my computer?

When my computer crashes, I actually give a fuck.

In about ten days, Stephen Hawking's wheelchair is going to have its first and last service.

What's harder than nailing a dead baby to a tree?

My dick while I'm doing it.

What's red and white and lives in a blender?

A baby.

"Racecar" spelled backwards is "racecar," but "racecar" sideways is how Paul Walker died.

What do you call a dead hooker?

It doesn't matter, she won't answer you.

I wish I was a policeman, 'cause then I would actually have a gun to shoot myself with.

The other day my mom called me a retard.

I'm now an orphan.

What is white, black, and red and can't fit through a revolving door?

A nun with a spear through her head!

What is the difference between Princess Diana and my laptop?

When my laptop crashes, I give a s**t.

How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Well, there are 69 in my basement, and it's still dark.

What's the difference between cancer and me?

My dad didn't beat cancer... Whelp, I guess I stole that one.

When we die we get sent to heaven, but when Stephen Hawking died, he was sent to the cloud.

Said the man angered to his wife:

"Now stop the damn suicide tries! Just look at the gas bill!?"