Death jokes
"Wubba Lubba Dub Dub" is one way to describe how my inner child acts, but yesterday I killed them. Now I hear "Wubba Lubba Dub Dub," I’m drowning in the tub.
What’s the difference between peanut butter and a dead baby?
Dogs only lick peanut butter off private parts.
Wanna know why Kobe can't shoot?
Because he's dead.
Teacher: Tim, where are your parents? It's been 15 minutes!
Tim (Orphan): Yeah um, they can't come.
Teacher: Why not?
Tim: They're too busy working in heaven.
What’s the difference between me and Chester Bennington?
I know how to use an exercise band.
What is a necrophiliac's favorite band?
Coldplay.
So your wife has died, and now she is marginally better in bed than before.
If you really want to get her to wiggle, simply add maggots.
My mom said she would miss me if I committed suicide, so we made it double.
Someone asked me if I've ever tried to kill myself. I responded, "Absolutely. A few times actually. I'm just not very good at it."
What’s better than swinging a dead baby in circles over your head with a 5 foot rope? Stopping it with a shovel.
Paul Walker died Fast and Furious.
My true hero is the person who killed Hitler.
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
Once I'm done choking you,
You will be too.
Why did the baby cross the road? Because he wanted to die.
I saw my friend hang themselves. My response was, I guess they wanted to hang with someone.
My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology.
I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
Michael Jackson was working on a cover of a popular Elton John song when he died...
His version was to be called "Don't Let Your Son Go Down on Me"...
A man walked into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian responds with, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back!"
Where do mathematicians go to die?
The symmetry.
I don't call it suicide. I call it population control.