Death jokes
What is a necrophile's least favorite game?
The Walking Dead.
Where does the orphan go when he's done with school? To the cemetery.
Murder is the same as suicide, except the other person is doing it for you.
I will never forget my grandpa's last words: "You still holding the ladder, son?"
Why did Stephen Hawking die? He ran out of data.
Why did Princess Diana cross the road? She wasn't wearing a seat belt.
What's the difference between flat earthers and my grandfather? Flat earthers are more disconnected from reality than my grandfather is disconnected from his life support.
God died for your sins, so basically if you don't sin then Jesus died for nothing.
The coach of the Detroit Lions had put together the perfect football team. But then his quarterback got blindsided and was out for the season with a knee injury.
Then his backup went down with a concussion. He tried the trading route, free agents, but nobody any good was available.
One evening while watching the news from Iraq, he saw a young Iraqi soldier with an amazing arm. The soldier rifled a grenade on a perfect arc into a 4th story window from 100 yards, bam!
He tossed another directly into a tight group of 12 enemy fighters 80 yards away, ka-bam! Then a humvee passed, going 60 kph, boom! Another perfect shot!
Coach said to himself, "I got to have this guy. He's got the best arm I've ever seen!"
He tracks him down and convinces him to come to Detroit. The kid takes coaching perfectly, makes all the plays, and long story short, the Lions win the Super Bowl.
The Iraqi is now the Conquering Hero in pro football, and a huge story. But when the broadcast team tries to interview him, all he wants is to phone his mom.
"Mother," he yells over the phone, "We just won the Super Bowl!"
"Don't talk to me," the woman says. "You abandoned us. You can't be my son."
The young Iraqi begs, "Mom, you don't understand! Our team won the biggest game here in the U.S. Thousands of fans are screaming for me. The U.S. President is going to call me!"
"I don't care," his mother snaps. "Right now I can hear gunshots everywhere. Our block is like a ruin. Your brothers were beaten half to death last night, and your sister was nearly raped."
Then she says, "I can never forgive you for making us move to Detroit."
What do you call an orphan you put into a volcano with a wheelchair?
Hot Wheels.
My mom gave me a golden shovel and a hoe. I said, "Why do I need this?" She said, "That you every year."
If you overdose on Viagra, do you die... hard?
All orphans deserve to die if they don't buy KFC.
What kind of punch takes out 20 children and 8 adults? A Sandy Hook.
Where did Sally go during the bombing? Everywhere!
What's worse than Sally in a trash can? Sally in thirteen trash cans.
Anyone got any good Floyd jokes? I really need them to take my breath away.
Haha, dead.
So there I was, having a fantastic time going down on my nan.
When suddenly I got a nasty taste in my mouth.
"Wait a minute," I said. This distinctly tastes like horse semen.
Then it clicked.
"Ah, so that's how you died."
Orphan: "I want to kill my parents."
People: "I don't think you have the facilities for that, big man."
A friend of mine used to be morbidly obese, but after lots of exercise and hard work... We were able to lift his coffin.