Death jokes

"Grandma, tell me a story!" I said as we huddled near the campfire.

"Alright," she said, "Once, there was a tree named Timmy, he was my best tree friend. I used to read books under him and climb all his branches."

"Where is Timmy now?" I asked.

Grandma pointed to the campfire.

So Kobe Bryant walked into a bar, just kidding, he's dead and his fame went spiraling out of control.

What's the difference between a pile of dead bodies and a computer?

I don't know, I have both!

Did you know my grandpa was in WW2? He killed Hitler.

Why did Billy kill himself with a TV remote?

He wasn't even REMOTELY close to being happy.

I like my bread how I like my wife: cold and stiff.

Joaquin Phoenix as The Joker is like Heath Ledger if he overdosed on prescription drugs... Oh, wait. He already did.

What’s red, blonde, and wet?

Saskia in grain.

Why was there a box in a church? Because there was a funeral.

My impression of Michael Jackson's butler:

When answering the phone: "No, sorry, he's dead." *hangs up phone*

Why can't Cleopatra ride a bicycle?

Because she's dead.

There was a math teacher on a plane that crashed. What was the last thing that went through their head?

A pentagon.

Are suicide bombers taught properly how to fly, or...

Are they just given a quick crash course?

For dinner, this girl had noodles. The next day, she could not find her skinny sister. The mom said, "Your sister is dead!" sadly. The girl asked, "She was skinny, right?" The mom said yes. The sister laughed, "I ate her! That’s why the noodles were very skinny!"

Are you a toaster, because I want to have a bath with you.

I got arrested because I cremated a guy. They said the guy had been alive when I burned him. I mean, it's an early cremation—what's the difference?

I tried to start a music career, but it crashed harder than Paul Walker.

I wish the doctor would prescribe me some medicine that's actually useful, like cyanide.

Toaster + Bath = The ultimate bath bomb!

They say the surest way to a man’s heart is through the stomach. But, I find going through the ribcage a lot easier.