Death jokes
Me: I saw your parents yesterday.
Orphan girl: Where?
Me: The coffin was still open.
Why can't depressed people make depression jokes? Because they can't talk if they are dead.
You could say Kobe's career went up in smoke.
Playing Russian roulette alone means you're bound to be a winner eventually.
What is the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Roses are red, violets are blue, you know what else is violent? Suicide with me and you.
My friend died from Ligma!
Ligma balls.
Why don’t you get a book about how to commit suicide?
Because you won’t bring it back afterwards.
I fucked your mom, oh wait, you don't have one.
What did one aborted baby say to the other? Nothing. They're both dead.
Yesterday I saw an orphan walking down the street. I asked him if he was ok. He said no, so I asked him if he needed help. And he said yes, so I let him in my car and said, "Don't worry, you'll be home with your parents soon." He said my parents died. I said I know.
Beneath this monumental stone Lise, 80 pounds of skin and bone.
So I told an orphan to slap themselves until they are wanted. I came back the next day to see them slapping themselves. Then I stopped them and told them to punch themselves.
The next day I saw a dead orphan.
What's the difference between the Twin Towers and your parents?
Nothing. They are both just memories.
Coworker: Knock knock.
Orphan: Who's there?
Coworker: Not your parents.
You know what the difference between Kobe Bryant and Russell Westbrook is?
He wears 0 and Kobe has 0 lives left.
My ex died in an anchorage accident.
She always was a sleeping hooker.
If an apple and an emo kid fell out of a tree, which would hit the ground first?
The apple, because the rope caught the emo kid.
A feather and a depressed boy fell at the same time, which one hits the ground first?
The feather, because the rope stopped the child.
What's the worst thing you can say to a widow?
"I'm sorry, I just had to."