Death jokes
I have a joke about suicide, but I’ll just let it hang.
Did you know Cobain had dandruff? Yep. They found his head and shoulders all over the back of his couch.
Why did Steven Hawkins die?
Because he got a virus.
The reason Stephen Hawking died was because he switched WiFi routers from Sky to Virgin, so his computer lagged out.
What was going through the student's heads during a school shooting?
Bullets.
How do you know the hooker killed herself?
She sniffed the line off the dresser you said not to touch.
Did Jesus die a virgin?
Of course not! He got nailed before he died.
What's the difference between peanut butter and jam? You can't peanut butter your dick up a dead baby's ass.
When there’s an earthquake, coffins become underground maracas.
Why can't dinosaurs talk?
Because they are all dead.
How do you save your wife from drowning?
Take your foot off her neck.
Sketchy dude: If you push this button you get 100 million dollars but 100 million people would die.
Me: If I push it more than once do I get more money?
Sketchy dude: Yes, but more people die.
Me: *rapidly pushes button* This is how you solve world hunger.
Sketchy dude: ... wtf, you're insane.
Me: ...
Teacher: I was an orphan as a kid.
Students: Damn!
Teacher: Is anyone missing?
Students: Your parents!
Steven Hawking died. I said, "Why? Did his wheelchair break?"
I saw a helicopter fly. Next minute, I knew Kobe was on the news.
I'll never forget how my grandmother died. "This lemonade tastes like bleach..."
My grandpa unplugged the AC, so I unplugged his life support.
Why can't Cleopatra ride a bicycle?
Because she's dead.
Other girls want a guy who is 6ft, but does me being 6ft under count?
When I die, I want to be shot out of a cannon.
And into a children's birthday party.