Death jokes
My nan coughed and threw up a lung. Now she is dead.
What's the difference between a car and a pile of dead babies?
I don't have a car in my garage.
Man: Did you know pidgins die after having sex?
Woman: No, really?
Man: Well, the one I fucked did...
My dad died, so I dug his grave. I was asked why I murdered him. I answered, "Guess we'll never know who did it because he dug his own grave." My father was William Afton.
What happens when Steven Hawking dies?
Take his iPad to Cash Converters.
My girlfriend passed away recently.
At the funeral, everyone was shocked about it.
Still, even when dead, she is the best shag I've ever known.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall red? Depends, how hard can you throw them?
What do you call a person with cancer?
A ghost with a body.
Three Europeans head to an island. They are captured by the island people. They are going to kill them, and they plead. They grant them a chance to live. The island people tell them to grab a fruit from the tribe's garden and bring it back, then to follow the task at hand.
The first guy brings back a peach. The island leader says, "Stick it up your ass. If you laugh, you die." The first guy shoves it up his ass and laughs, so they kill him. The second guy brings a grape, he does the same and laughs, making them kill him.
The first two are in heaven together. "Peaches are fuzzy, so I laughed. How the hell did you die? You had a grape!" says the first guy. The second guy replied, "It didn't tickle at all. I laughed at the sight [of] the third guy was bringing over a pineapple."
How do you spell racecar backwards?
racecar
How do you spell racecar sideways?
Paul Walker's death.
My aunt’s star sign is Cancer, so it’s pretty ironic how she died. She was eaten alive by a giant freaking crab!
I hate these double standards.
Burn a body at a crematorium and you're doing a good thing, burn a body at home and you're destroying evidence.
How do you know all suicide bombers self-identify as being old?
They are all boomers in the end.
"Go big or go home," that’s what some people say.
"Go loud and proud," that’s what other people say.
"Go out with a big, loud bang!" that’s what I say.
What if plants are farming us, giving us oxygen until we die, and turn into natural fertilizer which helps them?
When I finished high school, I wanted to take my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle, but my mom said no.
See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was eighteen, and I could just have his motorcycle.
Where did Suzy go during the bombing?
Everywhere.
The Earth was flat until they buried you.
A man ate a glue stick. It tasted bad. He died. Hahahahah!
Why are orphans sad?
Don't ask, or their parents may... oh wait, carry on.