Death jokes

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If an apple and an emo kid fell out of a tree, which would hit the ground first?

The apple, because the rope caught the emo kid.

Give a man a match, he'll be warm for a while. But set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Q: How do you make a fire?

A: Oil and dead babies.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, but not like the other passengers in the car with him.

My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support.

A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian said: “Fuck off, you won’t bring it back.”

Fatty and Skinny were in a bed.

Fatty rolled over, and Skinny was dead.

What makes suicide illegal? Getting caught.

Why did Stephen Hawking die?

Because his son wanted to charge their phone, so they unplugged him.

Imagine failing to commit suicide; you might as well go kill yourself.

I was going to tell a dead baby joke...

I decided to abort.

As I was eating this girl out, I thought I tasted some horse semen... I exclaimed, "Oh, Grandma! That's how you died!"

What’s loud, red and goes at 200mph?

Paul Walker’s Porsche.

pilot: *over intercom* we're all going to die.

passengers: *start freaking out*

pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows when.

passengers: *sigh with relief*

pilot: but it'll probably be when we hit that mountain.

Why do orphans have no parents?

Say your joke in the comments.

What’s the difference between Jesus and the toddler in my basement?

Jesus died a virgin.

What does a pulse and an orgasm have in common? I don't care if she has one.

If the noose breaks, stab yourself!

If the knife is dull, shoot yourself!

If the gun's out of ammo, *YOU'RE HERE TO SUFFER ETERNALLY.*

Whats the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead hookers, i don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.