Day jokes

Why is 4/20 such an epic date?

Because it's weed day, Columbine, AND Hitler's birthday;)

I took the trash to the recycling bin, and two days later, my mom asked me, "Where's your sister?" I said, "In the recycling line to be turned into a bottle."

Playing hide and seek with Helen Keller wasn’t the best idea you’ve had all day.

Good Morning Everyone, have a good and positive day!

Teacher: What is your least favorite holiday?

Orphan: National Forgive Your Mom And Dad Day.

Teacher: Why is that your least favorite?

Orphan: Because I don't have any parents to forgive.

Teacher: *tries to hold back* HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Man, we all have the one cool sibling, then the strong sibling, and then you, the one who plays on their iPad or computer all day. Then, when you are on vacation, you are doing nothing at all.

Guys, if you saw a post from someone pretending to be me, don't listen to them.

I'm just going to be out for 3 days, or maybe for a month break. There are a lot of fakers.

Jerry Garcia: I’m going on a TRIP today!

Bob Weir: Where are you going?

Jerry Garcia: I’m already on it. 😯🦄🌈

Cool, new word of the day: Marijuana.

“Does Marry wanna smoke a joint?”

One day when I was driving around our children's school with my wife, she saw a speed bump. She told me to slow on it, and when I did, we heard a loud, long scream.

One day I had the munchies, so I ate a clock. It was very... time consuming.

I had the BEST day EVER.

1: I woke up.

2: I met someone I'm sad about.

3: I had fun and got them back again online.

But sadly the order was 2nd, 3rd, 1st... XD

Have a great day today!

What did a tree do for a human rights day at a tree?

I had no time today after a night with you today, but you walk away.

Something you can say about a restaurant, but not your partner:

"So you’re open 24 hours a day?"

What is a nudist's least favorite holiday?

Memorial Day.

Why?

Because wearing a poppy can be very painful.

One day I went to my friend's apartment, and he told me to make myself at home.

I threw him out of the window. I hate having visitors!

I almost got run over by a car.

For the rest of the day I was taking the backseat as I was wheely tried.

I went to the zoo the other day. There was only one dog in it. It was a shih tzu.

Today is a gift. That’s why we call it the present.