Day jokes

My mate caught me sniffing his disabled sister's knickers the other day. It wouldn't have been so bad, but she was wearing them at the time. It made the rest of the funeral so awkward.

Playing hide and seek with Helen Keller wasn’t the best idea you’ve had all day.

Teacher: What is your least favorite holiday?

Orphan: National Forgive Your Mom And Dad Day.

Teacher: Why is that your least favorite?

Orphan: Because I don't have any parents to forgive.

Teacher: *tries to hold back* HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I took the trash to the recycling bin, and two days later, my mom asked me, "Where's your sister?" I said, "In the recycling line to be turned into a bottle."

Cool, new word of the day: Marijuana.

“Does Marry wanna smoke a joint?”

Jerry Garcia: I’m going on a TRIP today!

Bob Weir: Where are you going?

Jerry Garcia: I’m already on it. 😯🦄🌈

Man, we all have the one cool sibling, then the strong sibling, and then you, the one who plays on their iPad or computer all day. Then, when you are on vacation, you are doing nothing at all.

Guys, if you saw a post from someone pretending to be me, don't listen to them.

I'm just going to be out for 3 days, or maybe for a month break. There are a lot of fakers.

Good Morning Everyone, have a good and positive day!

One day when I was driving around our children's school with my wife, she saw a speed bump. She told me to slow on it, and when I did, we heard a loud, long scream.

So one day a boy was at his dad's work when another little boy ran in crying. Then the dad said, "Aw, little boy, are you lost? Where's your parents?" And the little boy at his dad's work said, "OMG! Dad, you can't say that!"

Why can't he say that?

Answer: He works at an orphanage.

I had the BEST day EVER.

1: I woke up.

2: I met someone I'm sad about.

3: I had fun and got them back again online.

But sadly the order was 2nd, 3rd, 1st... XD

What kind of star will come out in the daytime?

A starfish! 🐟🐠🐡🦐🦞🦀🦑🐙🦂

I went to the zoo the other day. There was only one dog in it. It was a shih tzu.

I almost got run over by a car.

For the rest of the day I was taking the backseat as I was wheely tried.

One day I had the munchies, so I ate a clock. It was very... time consuming.

Have a great day today!

What did a tree do for a human rights day at a tree?

I had no time today after a night with you today, but you walk away.

Good day tomorrow, and what day are they still good today? Good time. Love day! A great night time and...

Good day today, love you. Walk in love day and a walk home night. Night, night. I did not get snow. I love it is the day that we get a tree. I have to go get some sleep. Was good day at school today, but I’m going to be...