Day jokes

What kind of clothing should you wear on “hump day”? Camelflouge.

A man walks into a diner one day, walks up to the counter, and proceeds to order a bowl of chili.

The waitress says that the man sitting next to him just ordered the last bowl they had. That man was just sitting there, not eating the chili.

After watching him not eating for a while, the first man asks him, "Are you going to eat that?"

The second man replies, "No, you can have it if you want."

So the first man takes the bowl and starts eating.

About halfway through the bowl, he's chewing when he feels a crunch. He looks down only to see half a dead rat sitting in the chili.

He immediately throws all of it up, back into the bowl.

The second man looks at him and says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got too."

My sister's name is Coco, and one day she was funny, so I told her, "You coconut."

If you ever get bored, tell an orphan to take two days off their calendar. If they ask why, say, "Because you're missing Father's Day and Mother's Day."

I woke up this morning thinking it was gonna be a great day. But then I realized I was still alive.

A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What's got you down?"

The man says, "I just found out my niece is gay." The next day, he orders 4 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What's got you down now?" The man says, "I just found out my son is gay."

The next day, he orders 6 shots of whiskey. The bartender says, "Got anybody who likes women?" The man says, "My wife does."

They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, well not if it's poisoned.

Then the antidote becomes the most important.

Today was a bad day. There was a man throwing butter and cheese at me, how dairy!

My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”

I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”

Doctor: "I have good news and I have worse news." Patient: "Well, what's the bad news?" Doctor: "You have one day left to live." Patient: "What news could possibly be worse?" Doctor: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday!"

I don't understand why in horror movies they make digging a grave look so easy. It usually takes me days.

Did you hear that Stephen Hawking wrote a new book? It's called "Around The House in Eighty Days."

A husband got a message from his neighbor one day. It read, "Hey, I'm sorry I had to tell you like this but I have been doing your wife for months now." The husband went to go grab his gun and shot his wife. He hid the evidence and a few hours later he got another message from his neighbor saying, "Sorry, meant using your wifi."

I tried writing with a dull pencil the other day, but there was no point.

Why was the man fired from a calendar factory? He took a day off.

If you're ever down one day, just go to the orphanage and bully an orphan because what is he going to do about it? He has no parents.

Everyone is so sensitive about racial issues these days.

All I did was burn a couple crosses and I'm up on federal hate crime charges.

When I die, can someone play "Best Day Ever" during my funeral?

My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’. I did find some roadkill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.

A brother and a sister always got into fights. One day the brother tells the sister, "You're adopted!" The sister yells back, "At least they wanted me!"