Day Jokes

Three kids one day found a magical slide. There was a sign next to it saying, “what ever you wish for comes true once you slide down”. One kid stepped up and slid down, he wished for a river of chocolate, thus he swam in a chocolate river. The second kid slid down and wished for a mountain of money, he then landed in a pile of money. The third kid went down and said, “Weeeeeeee”!

One day leaf asks mom, “mom, why am I named leaf?” Mom says “because when you were a baby a leaf fell on your head.” The next day feather asks mom “ mommy, why am I named feather?” Mom says “ when your were a baby a feather fell on your head.” The next day brick asks mom “rhsisvrkanx” mom says, shut up brick!

I woke up this morning thinking it was gonna be a great day. But then I realized I was still alive.

Well a boy and a girl are in a bath tube together. The little boy says “Hey you see that I’m gonna go ask daddy what it is?” When the little boy asks his dad he says. “Well son that’s your car you try to park it in a girls parking spot.” As the boy runs back he see’s the little girl is missing. It had turned out that the little girl was asking her mama that her spot was and she said. “Well that’s your parking spot never ever let a boy put it in.” When she got back the little boy tried to put the car in well he did and she ended up breaking his car that day.

They told me I could never be an actor....

No one suspected me when they went missing the next day.

Two boys were arguing in class one day when the teacher walked in to the classroom. The teacher asked them, "Why are you arguing?"

One of the boys replied, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher. "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day. Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

The other day my friend messaged by saying “bro I have two pieces of bad news for you.” I told him to combine them. He replied with “your girlfriend is cheating on both of us.”

A brother and a sister always got into fights. One day the brother tells the sister, "your adopted" the sister yells back, "At least they wanted me!"

When I die can someone play "Best Day Ever" during my funeral?

One day I came home from school and said to my dad 'I got expelled from school today' he said ' how' I said I threw my book at the teacher' he asked why' I told him we were doing an anti-bullying program and my teacher said words can't hurt me so I threw my dictionary at her. '

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, well not if its poisoned.

then the antidote becomes the most important

This boy was in school one day when he became desparate to go to the bathroom. So he asked the teacher, "May I use the bathroom?"

The teacher replied, "No, not unless you say your alphabet."

So the boy said "a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z."

When he finished, the teacher asked him, "Where's the p?"

The boy replied, "Half way down my leg..."

A husband got a message from his neighbor one day. It read "Hey im sorry i had to tell you like this but i have been doing your wife for months now" The husband went to go grab his gun and shot his wife. He hid the evidence and a few hours later he got another message from his neighbor saying "Sorry meant using your wifi"

I saw a sign the other day that said "Maximum penalty for smoking is £1,000" But that's not right. Surely the maximum penalty for smoking is Death.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the shooting range the other day after a while I realized I was the only one there so I decided to go home and saw on the news that there was a mass school shooting and there were reporters on the scene, man I knew I should have stayed around a little longer.