Your hairline so far back that five hour energy became five day depression
I took my girlfriend out the other day... Man do I love being a sniper.
I was walking down the street one day and I passed the gun store. I walked in and and everything was half off. I didn't know back to school sales had started already
when i sh one day, my mother told me that it cuter her deep, we both found that very amusing
the day after chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital
A man walks into a bar and orders three shots. "Long day?" the bartender asks. "Well... My oldest son just came out..." The man finishes the shots and leaves the bar. The next day, the man comes back and orders four shots. "What now?" the bartender asks. "My middle son just came out." The man finishes his drinks and leaves. He comes back the next day and orders five shots. "Again?" the bartender asks. "Yeah. My youngest son." He drinks his shots and leaves. The next day, he comes in again. This time, he orders ten shots. "My God! Is there anyone in your family that likes girls??" the bartender asks. "Yeah... My wife."
So I ran into a woman the other day who says her vaginas is like a lottery ticket. She said it's because you have to be lucky to hit it... I thought it's because she was always scratching it.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets." "Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo." "Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three." "Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant." "Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow." "What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"
Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day. Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
A teacher says to her class one day, "Whoever answers my next question, can go home." A boy throws his bag out the window.
The teacher asks, "Who just threw that?"
The boy says, "Me! I'm going home now."
A woman comes to the doctor and tells her ‘doctor, my husband wants intense sex all day, what should I give him?’ The doctor says ‘my number’
My mom told me its not healthy to stay in my room all day....but the only places I’m allowed to go to are my room and downstairs.
I ran over an emo yesterday? I wanted to let him see pitch black.
I threw a lamp at an emo? i tried to lighten up his day.
My day started out great until I woke up
i love murder shows... wish me luck cause im kinda hoping to be on one one day
Two boys were arguing in class one day when the teacher walked in to the classroom. The teacher asked them, "Why are you arguing?"
One of the boys replied, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher. "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
My dad died the other day but, i was able to hear his last words"son are you still holding the ladder"
I tried writing with a dull pencil the other day, but there was no point.
Today is the day of 9/11 and we were in class making jokes and somebody said that’s sad and I was like why and they said “ today is the day the towers went down” and I said just like I did on you mum last night
