Student: 503 bricks are on a plane. 1 falls off. How many are left?

Teacher: 502.

Student: How do you put an elephant in a fridge?

Teacher:No you can’t fit an elephant in a fridge!!

Student: Just open door, put elephant in, close door.

Student: How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?

Teacher: open door,put giraffe in, close door

Student: no! Open door, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close door.

Student: The Lion King is having a B-day party. All the animals are there, except one. Which one? Teacher: let me guess the lion?

Student: No!The giraffe because He’s in a fridge.

Teacher: WOW!

Student: Sally has to get across a large river home to many alligators. They are very dangerous, but Sally swims across safely. How?

Teacher: Sally stepped on the alligators mouth?

Student:The gators are at the party.

Student: But Sally dies anyway. Why?

Teacher:She drowned?!

Student: no! She got hit in the head by a flying brick.

Did you hear that Stephen Hawking wrote a new book…it’s called “Around The House in Eighty Days.”

A Man walks into a bar and Orders 3 shots of Whisky, The Bartender asks "What’s got you down" The man says “I just found out my Niece is gay.” The next day he orders 4 shots of Whisky The Bartender asks “What’s got you down now?” The man says "I just found out my son is gay." The next day he orders 6 shots of whisky The Bartender says "Got anybody who likes Women?" The man says “My wife does.”

They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, well not if its poisoned.

then the antidote becomes the most important

little johnny was siting in class one day and the teacher was talking about life and ask him " little johnny how do you want your wife to be like" and he answered " like the moon" and the teacher said " that’s such a beautiful answer because it calm and peaceful " and little johnny said " no because it appears at night and disappears in the morning"

A priest is drowning in a river… A boat comes along and asks to help him. He says “leave me alone, god will save me.” The next day another boat came along and asked to help him. Again he said "leave me alone, god will save me. " The next day the last boat came and asked to help him. Once again he told the boat that god will save him. The next day he died. He went to heaven and asked god "why didn’t you save me. " God said "I sent you three f*****ing boats and you didn’t take them! "

Moms have Mother’s Day and dads have Father’s Day. What do single guys have?

Palm Sunday.

I’m so annoyed by those people who just believe in anything they hear. This is a conversation I had a few days ago.

Idiot: The moon landing was faked! So unbelievable fake! Me: You believe in the moon? Stupidass.

One day an orphan threw a boomerang and it didn’t come back like it’s parents

on a date me - "I get to work with animals all day" her - "How sweet! What do you do?" me - “I’m a butcher.”

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied, “I see millions of stars.”

“What does that tell you?”

Watson pondered for a minute.

“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.” “Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.” “Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.” “Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.” “Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.” “What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: “Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!”

my sons so ungrateful. i bought him a trampoline and all he does is sit in his wheelchair and cry all day.

One day a snail got robbed by 2 turtles, once the cops arrived and asked what had happened, Snail said “I dont know it all happed to fast”!

Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. All of the sudden, one of them passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says “911, whats your emergency?” The hunter replies “My friend just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says “Ok, now what?”

Today was a bad day, their was a man throwing butter and cheese at me, how dairy

I don’t understand why in horror movies they make digging a grave look so easy, It usually takes me days

Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish and he’ll become a prince.

Three kids one day found a magical slide. There was a sign next to it saying, “what ever you wish for comes true once you slide down”. One kid stepped up and slid down, he wished for a river of chocolate, thus he swam in a chocolate river. The second kid slid down and wished for a mountain of money, he then landed in a pile of money. The third kid went down and said, “Weeeeeeee”!

Location is in London by the way. One day a fatass came home and told his friend that he lost money. His friend, “Oh for once you lost some pounds!”

I saw a man sitting on the ledge of a bridge the other day, and asked him what was wrong. He responded with nobody loves me, so i told him that may be true but you dont wanna kill yourself you want to die of old age, or at least be murdered, suicide is for the weak. he responded with your right so I pushed him over the bridge, and he died of murder

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