What's the difference between a good TV show and a gay man?
One makes your day and one make your whole week.
One day I got home and told my girlfriend "I cheated on you." she replied with "F**k you" I then said "But you won't, that's why I cheated on you."
I was walking down the street and I punched of a white guy and then I was arrested for assault. The next day after I got out, I punched a black guy and I was arrested for impersonating a police officer.
That poor kid, he was fine until I bought him a mothers day card for his mum. The second he saw it he burst out crying...
give a man a fish feed him for a day
give a man a poison fish feed him for a lifetime
Me: I got kicked out of the library the other day Friend: why? Me: because i put the women rights book in the fiction section
my sons so ungrateful. i bought him a trampoline and all he does is sit in his wheelchair and cry all day.
September 11th #BringYourPlaneToWorkDay
I got in a car crash with a dwarf one day. He came storming out, and glared at me. I lowered my window and called out "So, I'm guessing you're not happy?".
My Wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side So i crashed the car, then didnt talk to her for the rest of the day for no reason
I got in big trouble the other day, though it was pretty unfair. Babies kick pregnant women all the time, and yet I got arrested anyways.
I saw an Isis video and I got the theme stuck in my head. I was humming it the next day at work when my Arab co-worker said, "soon, my brother."
i bought shoes from a drug dealer yesterday- i dont know what he laced them with but i was trippen all day
what is the most difficult day in the ghetto fathers day
I was walking down the street and I punched a white guy, then I was arrested for assault. The next day after I got out, I punched a black guy and I was arrested for impersonating a police officer.
me: calls suicide hotline hotline lady: suicide hotline, how are you doing today? me: not much, just hanging
Its opposite's day today, I gonna tell a orphan that their parents are here.
I don’t see why emo kids don’t like to hang around
I see them hang all day
So I went to the binoculars shop the other day, tell you what, they saw me coming.
I came home from school One day and told my cat a kid at school said I was an idiot and told me to go kick rocks so I did except I kicked him out him and I called him the idiot for not moving out of the way
