When I die can someone play "Best Day Ever" during my funeral?
An apple a day can do so much more than keep the doctor away... it can keep ANYONE away.
if you throw it hard enough.
Doctor: I have good news and I have worse news Patient: Well what's the bad news Doctor: You have one day left to live Patient: What news could possibly be worse Doctor: I've been trying to contact you sense yesterday
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day she said its the biggest thing i ever had in my hand i said no love your just pulling my leg
This boy was in school one day when he became desparate to go to the bathroom. So he asked the teacher, "May I use the bathroom?"
The teacher replied, "No, not unless you say your alphabet."
So the boy said "a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z."
When he finished, the teacher asked him, "Where's the p?"
The boy replied, "Half way down my leg..."
Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince.
Moms have Mother's Day and dads have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
I woke up this morning thinking it was gonna be a great day. But then I realized I was still alive.
One day a computer said to another computer, "Why are you so dumb." The other computer replied, "Because I have low memory."
They told me I could never be an actor....
No one suspected me when they went missing the next day.
Two boys were arguing in class one day when the teacher walked in to the classroom. The teacher asked them, "Why are you arguing?"
One of the boys replied, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher. "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day. Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.
my mom said to take out the trash bags so i did and the next day my mom asked "where are your sisters?" i said "in line to get crushed"
"I had a great day today." "Why?" "Because Allison was frustrated at her calculator and started banging it on the side of the table and the teacher screamed, 'Allison how would you like it if I banged you on the table?'"
One day a father and a daughter were at a park. The daughter accidentally kills a butterfly. The father says, "Just because you killed the butterfly, you don't get butter for a week." They were there the next day, and the daughter kills a cockroach. The father laughs and says, "Nice try."