Danger jokes

When you decide to turn your high school into your personal shooting range, but you don’t give any proper notice except for a bullet to the head...

Q: What happens to KID who NAPs near a stranger?

A: He gets KID-NAPPED (kidnapped).

I gave a blind man a gun and told him it was a hair dryer.

What's the same thing between a baby and a grenade?

They both make a sound when thrown.

What do you call a monkey in a minefield?

A baboom.

What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?

One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.

A man and a boy were walking through a dark forest. The boy said, “I’m scared.” The man said, “Why are you scared? I’m the one who’s going to leave these woods alone.”

One day there was a frantic call at the fire department:

"Help me, help me! There is a cat meowing nearby. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me, can you help me, and send the fire squad right away?"

"Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax and wait until he leaves."

"You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me, it is going to be fatal!"

"Cats aren’t venomous or in any other way dangerous, now who is calling?"

"I’m Indy's parrot you twit! Now help me! Please help, please help!"

"Roses are red. Violets are red. My parents' bed is red. Oh shit, I set the house on fire!"

A man ate a glue stick. It tasted bad. He died. Hahahahah!

What do you call a criminal?

Disarmed and dangerous.

When you are sleeping in class and the shooter sees you, then they wake you up and say, "Let’s team up," like, what the f*ck?

I gave a blind kid a gun and told him it was a hairdryer.

Friend: Why did you touch me?

Me: That guy in the corner with no hair, glasses, really nice, white button up shirt, that drives a white van slow by school zones told me to and he would give me hard candy.

I've got a job defusing landmines.

It's difficult, but hopefully soon I'll find my feet.

What did one twin say to the other?

"Watch out for the plane!"

Imagine a white van. Now imagine a white guy in the driver seat with a sombrero on and his arm out the window, and on the side of the van it says "Free Candy." But there's blood all over the van and a dead clown in the back.

What’s worse than running with scissors?

Scissoring with the runs!

*School Shooter Walks In*

That one kid who plays "Pumped Up Kicks" at max volume.

Why are ninjas' farts so dangerous? Because they're silent and deadly.