Hey, pass me that crowbar, please.
Sure... y’know, before the crowbar was invented, crows had to drink at home.
Dad Jokes
You look like your mom and your dad had a child.
What did the grape say when it was stepped on? Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
Did you know your dad was a magician? He disappeared the second he saw your ugly ass face!
Okay, what do you call that purple thing in your mom's top dresser drawer that she calls her best best friend for some weird reason?
Dad better look out from Bob, battery-operated boyfriend, hahaha!
I traveled through time to get my dad back.
I failed because I was 1e21 years off.
Your eyebrows run away like your dad.
Your mom disrespected your dad when he saw your face.
I'll call you later. Don't call me later, call me Dad.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Natyourcheese.
Natyourcheese who?
Natyourcheese, I wasn't gonna say bless you!
Connor: Hi Mom.
Mom:
Connor: I forgot I'm adopted to 2 dads!
A sibling went up to their other sibling and said, "Dad said you're adopted."
The other sibling said, "You are, too."
Then the first sibling goes, "No, I'm not."
And the sibling says, "We're twins."
The other kid goes, "And you're adopted... oh."
I broke the sink yesterday; the handle just blew right off! My dad was so mad, he blew his stack!
Hey Evan, this is Dad. Ya, I’m still not home.
What's the difference between fathers and hurricanes?
Nothing. They both destroy families and then leave for a couple of years.
Kid: Hey, Dad.
Dad: You're an hour late.
Kid: No, it was two hours. Also, I was working on math.
Dad: By yourself?
Kid: No.
Dad: A boy?
Kid: I was with the teacher.
Mom, why was I adopted?
Because people are terrible, and that’s how the world works, son!
Ok, Dad, the world is TERRIBLE!
I've had conversations with many people. Some of them were drier than my dad's ashes.
Mom: ON THE PHONE WITH CHILD- Honey, is Dad late to pick you up again?
Child: No, Mum. Dad is here, but he is talking about me to Mrs. Lili, the math teacher.
Mom: Can you hear them?
Child: I think... they are watching a good movie.
Mom: Why do you think that?
Child: Because I keep hearing this *HOLDS ONTO PHONE* and clap, clap, clap.
One night, a father heard his daughter saying good night.
"Good night, Mom."
"Good night, Dad."
"Good night, Mamah."
"Good bye, Papa."
The next day her papa died.
He heard her saying them a month later.
"Good night, Mom."
"Good night, Dad."
"Good bye, Mamah."
The next day her mamah died.
Well, her dad was scared for his life. He knew he was next. Well, his daughter said them again.
"Good night, Mom."
"Good bye, Dad."
The next day, the mail man dropped dead on their porch.
