Dad jokes
What's the difference between you, your uncle, and your dad?
One didn't go in the closet.
When the phone is ringing, Dad says, "If it's for me, don't answer it."
Q: Why did Sally fall off the building?
A: Her dad pushed her.
One day, the milkman came to drop off milk.
The boy asked the milkman, "Do you know where my dad is?"
The milkman replies, "I am your dad," then runs off like Batman!
Why did Sarah fall off a skyscraper?
Because she made her dad mad.
I still remember my dad's last words, "You c***! You let the ladder go, you cuuunt!"
Smack! He hit the ground and bled out.
Asked my dad what LGBT stands for.
He started with "Lettuce? Bacon. Tomato. What's the 'g' for?" Obviously, I had to reply with "Garnish."
I painted my dad white so he wouldn’t leave.
Dad fucked Mom.
Mom fucked son.
Son fucked sister.
Sister fucked dog.
Dog fucked cat.
Cat fucked bird.
Bird fucked fish.
Fish fucked Dad.
Dad really liked it!
Why shouldn't you trust trees? Because they seem shady.
My penis is tied in a knot.
My dad’s nickname for me is ‘Tiger’.
Now, my wrists look like a tiger.
Cancer is like your dad. It only comes back when Blueface baby drops a new album.
Why does Adam go hockey, you might ask?
In my opinion, he shouldn't go because he is bad, but he needs the armor to protect himself from his own step-dad.
Why do orphans have no bruises?
Because they have no dad to beat them.
One day, Little Johnny walks in on his dad getting dressed and asked, "What is that, Daddy?" Dad said, "Oh, that's my snake." The next day, Little Johnny walks in on his mom getting dressed and asks, "What is that?" Mom says, "That's my bushes." The next day, Little Johnny can't sleep, so he goes into his parents' room and asks Dad, "Why is your snake going into Mom's bushes?"
I'm still playing hide & seek with my dad.
My dad: You better wear flip-flops everywhere.
Suicidal son: Goes to crack alley.
My mom and dad: KIDS COME DOWNSTAIRS TO EAT! Me: What's for dinner? Mom and Dad: Food.
The next day KIDS COME DOWNSTAIRS FOR FOOD! My brother and sister: What's for dinner? Me: Food ;-;
So, a mom and a dad are having sex. Their daughter comes down and says, "Mommy, Mommy, what are you doing?"
The mom goes, "Uh, we're making a cake. Let's go back to bed." So she tucks her daughter in and says, "We will go to the park tomorrow."
So the next day they go to the park, and two teens are going at it in some bushes, and the little girl goes, "Mommy, Mommy, what are they doing?" And the mom goes, "They're making a cake. Let's go back home."
So they go home, and the mom tucked her into bed and says, "Tomorrow we will go to the zoo." And so the next day they go to the zoo, and two monkeys are going at it, and the girl goes, "Mommy, what are they doing?" And the mom goes, "They're making a cake. Let's go back home."
And so they go home, and the girl goes, "Mommy, did you and Daddy make a cake last night?" And the mom nervously says, "N-no, why?" And the little girl goes, "Because I licked the icing off the couch."