Dad jokes

Your dad left you 10 years ago and you're 10 years old, so your dad anniversary is today.

Dad, I love you.

Son, I love you.

What do you get when you cross a pig with a cactus? A porkupine!

Speak to your dad before I put my hand up your ass!

Dad: Honey!

Mom: What?

Dad: All of the broken condoms are on the bed.

Mom: WHAT!?

Children: *staring*

Q: My dad woke up one morning about to go to work, but he was still really tired, so he decided the quickest way to wake him up was to slap him in the face.

So he asked me to do it, but I guess I don't know my own strength, and so he went back to sleep again...

Dad: Where is my son?

Son: Come join me with musical chairs, except we stand on them.

Dad: Ok, so do we put this round our neck?

Son: YES!

Mum: AHHHHHHHHHHHH

Why did Ama cross the road?

To find his dad.

No one has my back like my dad.

Connor: Hi Mom.

Mom:

Connor: I forgot I'm adopted to 2 dads!

A sibling went up to their other sibling and said, "Dad said you're adopted."

The other sibling said, "You are, too."

Then the first sibling goes, "No, I'm not."

And the sibling says, "We're twins."

The other kid goes, "And you're adopted... oh."

Kid: Hey, Dad.

Dad: You're an hour late.

Kid: No, it was two hours. Also, I was working on math.

Dad: By yourself?

Kid: No.

Dad: A boy?

Kid: I was with the teacher.

9 months before I was born,

I went to a party with my dad and left with my mom.

What's the difference between fathers and hurricanes?

Nothing. They both destroy families and then leave for a couple of years.

Jerry: My dad got into a fight on a plane.

Jeremy: That's just *plane* crazy!

I wanna date you.

Said mom, dad said no, you are a horrid, f*cking d*ck.

I broke the sink yesterday; the handle just blew right off! My dad was so mad, he blew his stack!

Hey Evan, this is Dad. Ya, I’m still not home.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Natyourcheese.

Natyourcheese who?

Natyourcheese, I wasn't gonna say bless you!

Mom, why was I adopted?

Because people are terrible, and that’s how the world works, son!

Ok, Dad, the world is TERRIBLE!