Dad jokes

Can we stop talking about 9/11? I lost my dad in it.

He was a great pilot.

One day, the milkman came to drop off milk.

The boy asked the milkman, "Do you know where my dad is?"

The milkman replies, "I am your dad," then runs off like Batman!

I still remember my dad's last words, "You c***! You let the ladder go, you cuuunt!"

Smack! He hit the ground and bled out.

Why did Sarah fall off a skyscraper?

Because she made her dad mad.

I painted my dad white so he wouldn’t leave.

Asked my dad what LGBT stands for.

He started with "Lettuce? Bacon. Tomato. What's the 'g' for?" Obviously, I had to reply with "Garnish."

Me: I broke me bum.

Dad: Oh, that is bad. I will get some Pooh in the toilet so I can heal your bum.

My dad’s nickname for me is ‘Tiger’.

Now, my wrists look like a tiger.

Why does Adam go hockey, you might ask?

In my opinion, he shouldn't go because he is bad, but he needs the armor to protect himself from his own step-dad.

Q: Why did Sally fall off the building?

A: Her dad pushed her.

When the phone is ringing, Dad says, "If it's for me, don't answer it."

Why do orphans have no bruises?

Because they have no dad to beat them.

My penis is tied in a knot.

One day, Little Johnny walks in on his dad getting dressed and asked, "What is that, Daddy?" Dad said, "Oh, that's my snake." The next day, Little Johnny walks in on his mom getting dressed and asks, "What is that?" Mom says, "That's my bushes." The next day, Little Johnny can't sleep, so he goes into his parents' room and asks Dad, "Why is your snake going into Mom's bushes?"

I'm still playing hide & seek with my dad.

My dad: You better wear flip-flops everywhere.

Suicidal son: Goes to crack alley.

Dad fucked Mom.

Mom fucked son.

Son fucked sister.

Sister fucked dog.

Dog fucked cat.

Cat fucked bird.

Bird fucked fish.

Fish fucked Dad.

Dad really liked it!

Why shouldn't you trust trees? Because they seem shady.

Dad/Mom: Son, you're adopted.

Son: I know. *holds up daddy's phone that has the text of them talking about it.*

Dad: Babe, we need to talk.

Mom: Okay......

Dad: He's grounded.

Mom: You're right, you're grounded! Oh, and I'm dumping you.

Son: Am I getting a new daddy?

Mom: Soon honey, soon....

Dad: I really shouldn't have let her know I cheating.

I don't know, I don't have one.