Dad jokes

Your dad left you because he went for milk.

*1,000,000 years later*

Her: Dad come back!

Him: FBI open up!

What do you call a group of kangaroos? Gangaroos.

Son: Dad, what are those two huge balloons on mommy's chest?

Dad: I don't see balloons, but I see boobs. I mean, yes, balloons.

Son: Are you sure they're balloons? Yesterday I heard Uncle Frank trying to get a milk dispenser working.

My dad tells me and my sister to stop arguing, so she elbowed me in my damn nose.

My dad went out with Nemo one day to the store. They still haven't come back.

Child: I am hungry.

Dad: Hi hungry, I am dad!!!

Child: *groans* *walks away*

When is Father's Day?

Nine months before Mother's Day.

Hey dad, I'm hungry!

Hi hungry, I'm dad. Why did you name me this way, why why why?

I don't know why everyone cares so much about 3D printers. I've had a Canon printer for years.

Dad: My kid just said "butch," but since he is a kid, he said a bad word on accident.

*The next day*

Uncle: F*CK!

I would tell a joke about my abusive dad, but I can only think of the punchline.

My dad had a very unfortunate accident with his death. I clearly asked for Jammy Dodgers and got Bourbons!

I still remember my dad's last words, "You c***! You let the ladder go, you cuuunt!"

Smack! He hit the ground and bled out.

I was bullying a little kid for having a purple eye and said, "Where'd you get that? Your mom? Your dad?"

After that, everyone in my group was laughing at the kid. The next day I never saw him again.

The police: Pull over!

The kid: Do you know who my dad is?

The police: What, your mom did not tell you?

My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.

My dad has a pretty shitty job.

Your dad left for the milk because of your McDonald's hairline!

Your mom and dad abandoned you because you're too ugly.

My dad never came back with the milk. My mom told me he's in the army.