Dad jokes

My dad never came back with the milk. My mom told me he's in the army.

My dad has a pretty shitty job.

How can you tell it's a gay barbecue?

'Cause all the hot dogs taste like shit.

My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.

Your mom and dad abandoned you because you're too ugly.

POV: me telling a joke.

My dad: nobody likes a smart-ass.

Me: Nobody likes a smart-ass until the smart-ass finds a cure for cancer.

You wonder where my dad is.

Meanwhile, Dad: It's good to be at milk island!

I still remember my dad's last words, "You c***! You let the ladder go, you cuuunt!"

Smack! He hit the ground and bled out.

My dad had a very unfortunate accident with his death. I clearly asked for Jammy Dodgers and got Bourbons!

I was bullying a little kid for having a purple eye and said, "Where'd you get that? Your mom? Your dad?"

After that, everyone in my group was laughing at the kid. The next day I never saw him again.

The police: Pull over!

The kid: Do you know who my dad is?

The police: What, your mom did not tell you?

Your dad left you because he went for milk.

*1,000,000 years later*

Her: Dad come back!

Him: FBI open up!

Your dad left you 10 years ago and you're 10 years old, so your dad anniversary is today.

What do you call a group of kangaroos? Gangaroos.

Dad: Son, I came back.

Son: Where is the milk?

Dad: Time for another 10 years.

I was going to make alligator last night, but I noticed I only had a croc pot.

My dad tells me and my sister to stop arguing, so she elbowed me in my damn nose.

Child: I am hungry.

Dad: Hi hungry, I am dad!!!

Child: *groans* *walks away*

Never talk about 9/11 to me. I lost my dad in it.

He was a great pilot ;(

What's a native chick say after sex?

"Get off me, Dad, you're crushing my smokes!"