Dad Jokes

Son: Dad, what are those two huge balloons on mommy's chest?

Dad: I don't see balloons, but I see boobs. I mean, yes, balloons.

Son: Are you sure they're balloons? Yesterday I heard Uncle Frank trying to get a milk dispenser working.

My dad tells me and my sister to stop arguing, so she elbowed me in my damn nose.

My dad went out with Nemo one day to the store. They still haven't come back.

My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.

My dad never came back with the milk. My mom told me he's in the army.

The image shows Hagrid's face and the text: "Did you know? Dumbledore always called him Hagrid whilst he referred to everyone else by their first name. That's because his full name was actually Hagrid Rubeus Hagrid. Hagrid is Latin for "The Hairy One" and he's so big his dad named him it twice."

How can you tell it's a gay barbecue?

'Cause all the hot dogs taste like shit.

My dad has a pretty shitty job.

I don't know why everyone cares so much about 3D printers. I've had a Canon printer for years.

Child: I am hungry.

Dad: Hi hungry, I am dad!!!

Child: *groans* *walks away*

I would tell a joke about my abusive dad, but I can only think of the punchline.

Hey dad, I'm hungry!

Hi hungry, I'm dad. Why did you name me this way, why why why?

Dad: My kid just said "butch," but since he is a kid, he said a bad word on accident.

*The next day*

Uncle: F*CK!

When is Father's Day?

Nine months before Mother's Day.

2023- my dad is a cop.

1800- my dad owns your dad.

What show has something orphans will never have?

American Dad!

20 years later

Johnny: Hey dad.

Dad: Yea?

Johnny: Fuck you, I ain't comin' back to your grave in 16 years, then ima come back, BITCH!

Dad: Doing the same thing I did to you and your mother, ay? I deserve it :( ;O not real...NOT A FUCKING ALL.

Johnny: Yea you kinda fucking do.

Dad:...

I'm just a prom night dumpster baby I got no mam or dad. Prom night dumpster baby My story isn't long, but boy, it's awfully sad. Although I came from a hole (Although I came from a hole) I'm singin' right from the soul (I'm singin' right from the soul)

My fanny needs a blanket And somebody to spank it I miss my mam But she's at the prom So I'm prom night dumpster baby Prom night dumpster baby

And I'm takin' a stroll (He's taking a stroll) I'm takin' a stroll (He's taking a stroll) I'm takin' a stroll (He's taking a stroll) Hahaha, I'm takin' a stroll (He's taking a stroll)

You take a plane from Australia. Your mom is American, your dad is British, and your brother (and you) is Canadian (well, because they traveled along many places). You are eating dinner, but you realized you were going to Europe.

You went sleepy, and you forgot your pet named "Strallia." But she could not go anyways, so you had to leave her. When you went to Europe, you were in the "COUNTRY-SIDE."

Once Jimmy was minding his own business, then he hears his mom come home. He asked, "Where have you been?" She replied with, "I was at work," yet he knew his mom did not have work. So the next day, while heading to school, he gets a phone call saying his mom is pregnant, and they want to try their device, and they need the baby's dad to say if it's alright.