Cut jokes

When I'm cutting my grass, want to know what it reminds me of? My arms and legs.

Q: How many dogs does it take to shingle a roof? A: It depends on how you cut 'em.

My dad came over late at night. He was drunk. He started telling me how useless I was. Then I went to the kitchen, grabbed a knife, and stabbed him in the chest 47 times.

Three minutes later, he died. Now I’m losing my mind and cutting myself.

Two men were on a hike through a forest when one of the hikers got bit on his ass by a snake.

The other hiker ran to the village 2 miles away and explained to a doctor there what had happened. The doctor told him to cut a cross with a knife where he had been bitten and suck out the venom, so he ran back to the first hiker who asked him, "Have you got the cure?"

Hiker number two just said, "Nah mate, you're dead."

Why can’t Sally get a hair cut? She has cancer.

Jack and Jill went up a hill so Jill could lick Jack's candystick, but Jill got a surprise when she saw her boyfriend Rik. He got so angry Jack has no candystick no more. Jill went home with a black eye, and Rik got arrested for cutting Jack's candystick.

If you cut off your head, you can't breathe.

You also can't breathe if you die.

So why isn't it debreathiation?

Cats are like onions; when I cut them, I cry.

One day a Chief was talking to his son... "Son," the father said, "Long ago the Woman didn't have anybody to take her to BINGO. So, the Creator put the Woman to sleep and cut off her butt cheeks and made her a Man. That's why today Indian Women have no butt, and the Men are called Buttheads!"

What did the Emo say to the surgeon? "Cut me, please!"

John, I like your cut, G.

I tried to name my grass "emo" so it will cut itself.

I wish I had emo nails,

So they could cut themselves.

Emos are so predictable: sleep, eat, cut, repeat.

When it's cold outside, men can cut ice in three places.

What has 4 legs, then 3 legs, then 2 legs, then 1 leg, then no legs?

A baby you cut one off each time.

I know how to cut down on Medicare expenses.

Lock Alzheimer's patients in dog cages when they misbehave.

What's the quickest way to get to the hospital? Just stand in the middle of a busy road.

What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

What do my dad and Nemo have in common? They both can't be found.

What do you do after raping a deaf person? Cut their fingers off so they don't tell anyone.

MORE JOKES COMING SOON LMAO ;]

How to get rich:

Step 1: Tell an orphan he will get a family.

Step 2: Knock out the orphan.

Step 3: Cut open the orphan.

Step 4: Well there [are] organs.

Step 5: Do it again.

And nobody will call the cops 'cause they got no family.

When I nailed the quiz, my teacher wasn't very happy. I wasn't either with all those paper cuts.

Oof.