Cut jokes
Who was the meanest man in the world?
He raped Helen Keller and threw her down a well, but not before cutting off her fingers so she couldn't yell for help.
Why was Jesus Christ cut from the hockey team?
He kept getting nailed to the boards.
A guy cut me in the lunch line. After that, a rock was thrown at him by my friend.
When I'm cutting my grass, want to know what it reminds me of? My arms and legs.
Q: How many dogs does it take to shingle a roof? A: It depends on how you cut 'em.
My dad came over late at night. He was drunk. He started telling me how useless I was. Then I went to the kitchen, grabbed a knife, and stabbed him in the chest 47 times.
Three minutes later, he died. Now I’m losing my mind and cutting myself.
Two men were on a hike through a forest when one of the hikers got bit on his ass by a snake.
The other hiker ran to the village 2 miles away and explained to a doctor there what had happened. The doctor told him to cut a cross with a knife where he had been bitten and suck out the venom, so he ran back to the first hiker who asked him, "Have you got the cure?"
Hiker number two just said, "Nah mate, you're dead."
Why can’t Sally get a hair cut? She has cancer.
If you cut off your head, you can't breathe.
You also can't breathe if you die.
So why isn't it debreathiation?
Jack and Jill went up a hill so Jill could lick Jack's candystick, but Jill got a surprise when she saw her boyfriend Rik. He got so angry Jack has no candystick no more. Jill went home with a black eye, and Rik got arrested for cutting Jack's candystick.
Cats are like onions; when I cut them, I cry.
One day a Chief was talking to his son... "Son," the father said, "Long ago the Woman didn't have anybody to take her to BINGO. So, the Creator put the Woman to sleep and cut off her butt cheeks and made her a Man. That's why today Indian Women have no butt, and the Men are called Buttheads!"
I wish I had emo nails,
So they could cut themselves.
I tried to name my grass "emo" so it will cut itself.
What has 4 legs, then 3 legs, then 2 legs, then 1 leg, then no legs?
A baby you cut one off each time.
John, I like your cut, G.
When it's cold outside, men can cut ice in three places.
What did the Emo say to the surgeon? "Cut me, please!"
Emos are so predictable: sleep, eat, cut, repeat.
I know how to cut down on Medicare expenses.
Lock Alzheimer's patients in dog cages when they misbehave.