Cut jokes
If you have emo grass and don't pay attention to it, it will cut itself.
Why do emos cut themselves?
To play noughts and crosses.
Emos,
They're always a cut above the rest.
A man was walking home but felt tired, so took a short cut through the cemetery. He then heard a tap, tap, then out of the corner of his eye, he saw a man with a hammer hitting the tombstone. The man said, "You scared me. I thought you were a ghost." The other person mumbled, "They spelled my name wrong."
I cried when my dad cut onions.
Onions was a good dog.
I want to be like pizza so I can get cut into 8 pieces.
What did the hairdresser say to the power line?
"Want a power cut?"
It’s been a terrible day today. My ex got hit by a bus and died.
Not only this, but the council cut my bus driver's permit!
What was the chip doing at the hairdressers?
It was getting a crinkle cut.
Someone: Stop making jokes about sh!
Me: Oh, sorry man, I'll cut it out, I'll cut it out deep!
The Mexican landscaper came to cut our lawn. My mom was happy then asked him, "Can I have some of your burrito?" He said, "Yeah." I said, "Whatever."
A few minutes later, my mom told me to cut the lawn. I said, "Why do I have to do it? That's what he's there for." My mom said, "He's going to do the burrito for me." Then I said, "Okay." I finished cutting the lawn and went in the house. I see my mom giving the landscaper a blow job. I said to my mom, "What are you doing?" My mom said, "What does it look like? I'm having my burrito." The landscaper told me that I missed a spot while cutting the lawn.
When I'm sad, I cut myself...A PIECE OF CAKE!
Who was the meanest man in the world?
He raped Helen Keller and threw her down a well, but not before cutting off her fingers so she couldn't yell for help.
Why was Jesus Christ cut from the hockey team?
He kept getting nailed to the boards.
A guy cut me in the lunch line. After that, a rock was thrown at him by my friend.
When I'm cutting my grass, want to know what it reminds me of? My arms and legs.
Q: How many dogs does it take to shingle a roof? A: It depends on how you cut 'em.
My dad came over late at night. He was drunk. He started telling me how useless I was. Then I went to the kitchen, grabbed a knife, and stabbed him in the chest 47 times.
Three minutes later, he died. Now I’m losing my mind and cutting myself.
Two men were on a hike through a forest when one of the hikers got bit on his ass by a snake.
The other hiker ran to the village 2 miles away and explained to a doctor there what had happened. The doctor told him to cut a cross with a knife where he had been bitten and suck out the venom, so he ran back to the first hiker who asked him, "Have you got the cure?"
Hiker number two just said, "Nah mate, you're dead."
Why can’t Sally get a hair cut? She has cancer.