Crime jokes
My dad raped my mom, now I have a brother.
What is the difference between an orphan and a bandit?
One's wanted.
Why do orphans wanna be a criminal?
So that they can be wanted.
A Chinese drug dealer said to me, "Do you like my cocaine?"
I replied, "Not since he starred in Zulu."
Why do orphans rob banks?
Because they want to be wanted.
If your wife dies of childbirth, can you press charges on the baby?
A necrophiliac woman goes over to her friend's house after hooking up.
"Was it hung?" her friend asks.
"No, he was shot."
What do you call a kid who's been kidnapped? Well, her name's Sally, so I guess... Sally. My main concern is getting her out of the freezer.
There are times I miss you, that I wish I could remember where I hid your body.
Why did the homeless man stop to help the kids cross the street?
To get them into his van.
What's the smartest crime?
3rd degree murder.
My dad has the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Me: 911, I just killed someone.
Cops: Cool, we will not come.
Me: Why?
Cops: Don't admit a crime.
Phones: *Bang Bang*
Me: Well, that was 2 crimes done.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.
I left a ticket to a WNBA game on the dashboard when I went to go get the groceries.
A burglar broke in and left another one on the dashboard.
Dream tweeted, and I quote, "Babies kick pregnant women all the time, but I do it one time and I’m the one arrested."
What's a pedophile's favorite type of shoe?
White Vans.
Why do pedophiles go to a nursery?
Early access.
The person to make the first cannabinol cookbook had a wife and ate (eight) children.
I knew this one guy who liked to swim with the fishes, then the mob got a hold of 'em...