Crime jokes

Q: What do the mob and pussy have in common?

A: One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.

How do you know the hooker killed herself?

She sniffed the line off the dresser you said not to touch.

What do the Nicaraguan Contras, Crips, and Crack have in common? The CIA.

Why do most clips for automatic weapons have 32 bullets?

That's usually how many kids are in a classroom.

A sandwich is a sandwich, but a Manwich is a meal.

-- Jeffery Dahmer

I burnt down an orphanage and then showed an orphan the orphanage that I burned down, and he loved it. Not really, though.

If a kid doesn't take their nap, doesn't that mean they are resisting arrest?

Why did the school shooter earn extra points?

Because he was on a kill streak.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the National Zoo.

To whoever stole my antidepressants, why do you need them?

Why did the prisoner run away?

To spit bars.

I was digging a hole in the garden when I found some gold coins.

I was about to run and tell my wife when I remembered why I was digging a hole in the garden...

Somebody keeps sending me flowers with their heads cut off.

I think I'm being stalked.

What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to the men he took home that said they were hungry? "I've got Ben and Jerry's in the freezer."

There is a kid in my school who is exactly like Dahmer, but he doesn't eat ppl. Or does he...?

He's Dahmer's son @domink.

So, as a school shooter, I try to remember my ABC's. A, B, C, D, E, F, GUN!

And I basically stop at G, since no students ever speak to me about the rest.

Why did the chief go to jail?

Because he beat the eggs and whipped the cream!

What do you call a protest that gets crowded?

Human trafficking.

I don't call it arson. I call it warming up.

Terrorist: We can go over it, we can’t go under it, let’s go through it.