Crime jokes
I got fired my first day at the bank. This old lady told me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
DARK ALERT********
A girl went to the doctor. The doctor said she had one year to live. She shot the doctor, and the judge gave her 15 years.
DARK ALERT********
What do you call a disabled person who deals drugs?
A wheel dealer.
Q: What's the difference between a prison and a concentration camp?
A: At least you don't die when you shower.
Male Patient: So, I just pull my pants down and bend over for this prostate exam?
Doctor: Yep.
Male Patient: Ok, I'm ready. Hey! That doesn't feel like a finger.
Doctor: Yep, and I'm not even a doctor.
My four conditions:
1. I need coffee.
2. I need vacation.
3. I need food.
4. I need tape, axe, saw, bag, shovel, and an alibi.
Yesterday I saw an orphan kid playing GTA and told him he can't get 5 stars because he ain't wanted.
If a kid doesn't take their nap, doesn't that mean they are resisting arrest?
What did the priest say during the christening?
"So anyway, I started blasting!"
Why did the prisoner run away?
To spit bars.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with their heads cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to the men he took home that said they were hungry? "I've got Ben and Jerry's in the freezer."
There is a kid in my school who is exactly like Dahmer, but he doesn't eat ppl. Or does he...?
He's Dahmer's son @domink.
My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the National Zoo.
How do you know the hooker killed herself?
She sniffed the line off the dresser you said not to touch.
What do the Nicaraguan Contras, Crips, and Crack have in common? The CIA.
A sandwich is a sandwich, but a Manwich is a meal.
-- Jeffery Dahmer
I burnt down an orphanage and then showed an orphan the orphanage that I burned down, and he loved it. Not really, though.
Why did the school shooter earn extra points?
Because he was on a kill streak.
To whoever stole my antidepressants, why do you need them?