Crime jokes
If you combine math and meth, you will become Einstein White.
I love me a nice tight pussy. That's why I'm in big trouble with RSPCA.
Please don't get mad, it's a joke.
What's the difference between a bullet and a police officer? At least when a bullet kills someone, it's fired.
You heard that Michael Jackson autopsy reports showed he died of food poisoning?
It’s because he ate some 8 year old nuts.
How many times does 42 go into 9?
Get in the van to find out.
At night I became a mattress murderer.
What's the difference between a club and a bar? I can only get dead hookers from the club alleyways.
One day, someone goes out into the forest to go hunting, and finds out there are a few others in the forest. He comes back the next day to learn he is the only person there.
Where are the others?
They're in his freezer.
"Killed two birds with one stone"? Pfft, I once killed two people with one bullet.
True fact: School shooters aren’t dangerous to you if you're the school shooter.
Me: Brings in missing child.
Police: OMG this kid has been missing for 3 months. Here is your reward.
Me: Oh, cool.
NEXT DAY
Me: Brings in 8 other kids.
Police :0 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What do you call a psychic dwarf on the run? A small medium at large.
What do you call someone who used to kill people? An ex-executioner.
My brothers kept annoying me.
I told them I would disembowel them if they kept it up.
It was an empty threat—right after I was done.
How do you stop a terrorist from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
This guy in a trench coat walks up to a kid, opens the trench coat and has glasses inside.
He says to the kid, “Hey kid, want some extra-see?”
The man was Indian. He moved to England because he wanted to learn, so got a job at the store. He learned how to say "register," then he was a business man. He learned how to say "59887," then "restaurant," so he learned how to say "fork and knives." So a man came with a knife. The cop came and asked the man which was the killer who killed him. He said, "Him," and pointed to the Indian man. The cop asked, "What did you use?" He said, "Register." The cop asked for ID. "59887." The cop asked, "Anything on you, forks and knife?" He said, "Me me me."
The last time I had flying lessons, I hit some building in Manhattan. Then my Uncle got shot in 2008. Darn...
When is a rape victim right?
When she admits she lied.
Did you hear about the four foot tall psychic who escaped prison?
He's a small medium at large.