Crime jokes

"You are under arrest for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia!"

"Wait! I can explain everything!"

When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead, I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.

You know what I hate about rape?

Keeping it a secret.

What is it called when Bill Cosby and an illegal immigrant fight?

Aliens vs. Predator

What is a school shooter's favorite animal?

A Desert Eagle.

A blind guy shot up a town.

I guess he couldn’t see the road to heaven.

Me: "I like kids."

I was walking by a prison when I saw a midget in an orange jumpsuit climbing down the fence. When he hit the ground and sneered at me, I said, “Well, that’s a little condescending.”

When the school shooter asks the autistic kid which hostage he wants to rape, and he looks at you like 😋.

A pedophile is playing poker with 8 seven-year-olds.

The pedophile has a pair of 7's and three 4's in the river. He smiles and says, "Yay, I got me a full house!"

A lady runs into a police station and yells, "Help, help! I've been graped!"

A police officer says, "Do you mean raped?"

The girl then replies, "No, there was a bunch of 'em!"

I was accused of rape, but I swear she was a whore.

They say watching child porn will get me 20 years in jail. I prefer to think of it as two 10-year-olds.

what do you call a rape victim in Ukraine?

Debris.

Roses are red... Orphans are blue... I killed the priest so I could rape them too.

There was a boy named Sammy, and he was deeply in love with a girl named Rayne. But she didn’t notice him or talk to him. But one day, she did, and they end up liking each other and getting married and lived happil- wait no, that’s not right. Sammy snuck in Rayne’s house at night and kidnapped her, locked her in his basement, and turned her into a puppet so she'd be with him forever and ever. The End.

Your dad never needed a van for you.

What's the best part of being a pedophile? You will never have a wife.

What’s the difference between Jesus and a hooker?

The look on their face when you're nailing them.

1. You're so dumb, you think Cheerios are donut seeds!

2. You're so fat, you could sell shade!

3. You're just like coconut water, nobody likes you!

4. Have you been shopping lately? Because they're selling lives around the corner, you should go get one!

If being ugly was a crime, you would get a life sentence!!

Are these good?