Crime jokes

What is a school shooter's favorite animal?

A Desert Eagle.

A blind guy shot up a town.

I guess he couldn’t see the road to heaven.

Me: "I like kids."

I was walking by a prison when I saw a midget in an orange jumpsuit climbing down the fence. When he hit the ground and sneered at me, I said, “Well, that’s a little condescending.”

A pedophile is playing poker with 8 seven-year-olds.

The pedophile has a pair of 7's and three 4's in the river. He smiles and says, "Yay, I got me a full house!"

A lady runs into a police station and yells, "Help, help! I've been graped!"

A police officer says, "Do you mean raped?"

The girl then replies, "No, there was a bunch of 'em!"

A cop saw an old lady carrying two sacks. He asked the lady what she was doing. She opened one bag and shows a bunch of cash.

"How did you get all this?" asked the cop.

"Well, I live behind a golf course, and my backyard has many holes in its fence. Since there are no bathrooms nearby, the golfers stick their dicks through the holes and piss onto my hard, and that keeps killing my flowers. So, I grabbed my hedge clippers, and when they stick it through, I grab their dick and yell, '10 bucks right now or it comes clean off!' After that, nobody pees in my yard ever again."

The cop responded with, "Dang. But what about the other bag?"

She said, "Not everybody paid."

They say watching child porn will get me 20 years in jail. I prefer to think of it as two 10-year-olds.

what do you call a rape victim in Ukraine?

Debris.

Roses are red... Orphans are blue... I killed the priest so I could rape them too.

There was a boy named Sammy, and he was deeply in love with a girl named Rayne. But she didn’t notice him or talk to him. But one day, she did, and they end up liking each other and getting married and lived happil- wait no, that’s not right. Sammy snuck in Rayne’s house at night and kidnapped her, locked her in his basement, and turned her into a puppet so she'd be with him forever and ever. The End.

Your dad never needed a van for you.

When the school shooter asks the autistic kid which hostage he wants to rape, and he looks at you like 😋.

What's the best part of being a pedophile? You will never have a wife.

What’s the difference between Jesus and a hooker?

The look on their face when you're nailing them.

1. You're so dumb, you think Cheerios are donut seeds!

2. You're so fat, you could sell shade!

3. You're just like coconut water, nobody likes you!

4. Have you been shopping lately? Because they're selling lives around the corner, you should go get one!

If being ugly was a crime, you would get a life sentence!!

Are these good?

I was accused of rape, but I swear she was a whore.

What’s one good thing about child molesters? They drive slow in a school zone.

What’s the hamburgler’s retarded cousin? Aspergler.

I didn't know I raped her. I thought she wanted me to hurry up.