Crime jokes
So I told the officer, "I can't even walk when I'm sober."
If a wizard gets robbed by a muggle, has he been muggled?
What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Why does it take so long for the pirates to learn the alphabet?
Because they spend years on C! Pirate: A, B, sea?
Get a head in life by decapitating someone.
What do you get when you cross Bill Cosby and Jeffrey Epstein?
Predator 2.
What’s the hardest part about being a pedophile?
Fitting in.
You get on an elevator and you find the Pope and Donald Trump cowering from two snarling wolves. In your hand you find a revolver with only two bullets in it... what do you do?
You shoot the Pope and the Donald each in a leg and exit the elevator at the next stop.
What's the difference between Pink Floyd and George Floyd?
When Pink Floyd can't breathe, it's because all their fans are smoking pot.
So I was at a restaurant and I really hit it off with the waitress, so one thing led to another and I'm at her place and she was really nice at the IHOP but when I was there with her she was all like "ahhh! what are you doing!?!?!? how did you get in my house?!?!?" and then she punched me and I'm the one who ended up in prison.
Here is a joke: Rape.
What do you call a skeleton with a mask and a knife?
A heartless killer.
When I saw a dead body on the ground and my editor was filming, I told him to censor that a-hole. When I saw the completed product, he censored me. Then I killed him.
Did you hear about the Scottish man who murdered his wife?
He totally kilt her.
Two priests are driving down a road when they are pulled over by the cops.
The cop shines a light in their faces and signals to the driver to roll down his window.
"We're searching for two child molesters," he says.
The driver leans over to the other priest, and they whisper between themselves.
Finally, he turns back to the policeman. "Ok. We'll do it."
Why did nobody believe the little girl who got raped?
She said a monster attacked her.
Why do so many people hate Bill Cosby? I mean, all he did was have affairs with drunk, attention-seeking women. They literally begged for it.
What do you call a psychic dwarf on the run? A small medium at large.
Where do pedophiles go hunting?
Elementary schools.
Why did the guitarist go to prison?
'Cause he fingered A minor.