Crime jokes
What is the difference between orphans and serial killers?
Serial killers are wanted.
What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Get a head in life by decapitating someone.
What do you get if you cross a gorilla and a prisoner? A kong-vict.
Why do blondes make bad bank robbers?
Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards.
Man 1: Hey, I heard you survived a school shooting. What was it like?
Man 2: People were screaming and running everywhere. I was only able to get a few of them.
My last 15 minutes as a 23 y/o!!
It's not my birthday, but a scary-looking man with a crowbar just broke into my house.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.
Why does it take so long for the pirates to learn the alphabet?
Because they spend years on C! Pirate: A, B, sea?
What is a shark’s favorite TV show? Sea-S-I.
Why did the gorilla leave the mafia headquarters for good?
What do you get when Cayden steals your sandwich? A knuckle sandwich.
What time do terrorists arrive in New York City?
9:11 AM
What is Epstein's favorite piano chord?
A minor.
So I told the officer, "I can't even walk when I'm sober."
So I was at a restaurant and I really hit it off with the waitress, so one thing led to another and I'm at her place and she was really nice at the IHOP but when I was there with her she was all like "ahhh! what are you doing!?!?!? how did you get in my house?!?!?" and then she punched me and I'm the one who ended up in prison.
What do you call a skeleton with a mask and a knife?
A heartless killer.
When I saw a dead body on the ground and my editor was filming, I told him to censor that a-hole. When I saw the completed product, he censored me. Then I killed him.
Did you hear about the Scottish man who murdered his wife?
He totally kilt her.
Why do so many people hate Bill Cosby? I mean, all he did was have affairs with drunk, attention-seeking women. They literally begged for it.