Crime jokes

Why do homeless people commit crimes?

They get a bed in jail.

You get on an elevator and you find the Pope and Donald Trump cowering from two snarling wolves. In your hand you find a revolver with only two bullets in it... what do you do?

You shoot the Pope and the Donald each in a leg and exit the elevator at the next stop.

Man 1: Hey, I heard you survived a school shooting. What was it like?

Man 2: People were screaming and running everywhere. I was only able to get a few of them.

My last 15 minutes as a 23 y/o!!

It's not my birthday, but a scary-looking man with a crowbar just broke into my house.

I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.

Why did the gorilla leave the mafia headquarters for good?

What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Why does it take so long for the pirates to learn the alphabet?

Because they spend years on C! Pirate: A, B, sea?

What is a shark’s favorite TV show? Sea-S-I.

Get a head in life by decapitating someone.

What do you get when you cross Bill Cosby and Jeffrey Epstein?

Predator 2.

What’s the hardest part about being a pedophile?

Fitting in.

"Stupidity isn’t a crime, so you’re free to go."

On Halloween you better hide your candy, or else there will be a fella named Big Dick Randy.

What do you call a deaf and blind axe murderer?

Helen Killer.

So I was at a restaurant and I really hit it off with the waitress, so one thing led to another and I'm at her place and she was really nice at the IHOP but when I was there with her she was all like "ahhh! what are you doing!?!?!? how did you get in my house?!?!?" and then she punched me and I'm the one who ended up in prison.

Here is a joke: Rape.

When I saw a dead body on the ground and my editor was filming, I told him to censor that a-hole. When I saw the completed product, he censored me. Then I killed him.

What do you call a skeleton with a mask and a knife?

A heartless killer.

Did you hear about the Scottish man who murdered his wife?

He totally kilt her.