Crime jokes

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

My uncle is a computer genius! The police even called him a PDF file!

There once was a boy named Sammy who loved this girl beyond belief. Her name was Rayne, but she didn’t notice him and or talk to him, but one day she did and they ended up liking each other and getting married and living happily... wait, no, that’s not right.

Sammy actually snuck into Rayne’s house one day and kidnapped her and locked her in his basement and made her into a puppet so he could keep her forever and ever. The End.

Grandfather's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"

Grandmother's last words: "You know how to use that hammer."

Dad's last words: "Always aim before you shoot that gun."

Mom's last words: "Turn off the stove when you're done."

My last thought: Am I a murderer?

Why did the homeless man stop to help the kids cross the street?

To get them into his van.

What are the similarities between a pedophile and a 9/11 plane?

They both came from behind and crushed them.

I don’t like the term "rape," I prefer: "struggle snuggle."

What's the difference between me and a rapist?

He forced her, while I convinced her with a candy.

She was just 7 years old.

Serial killers be like: "Blood is red, veins are blue, next one is YOU."

I was digging in my backyard and I found gold, and I went to run and tell my mom, but I realized why I was digging in the backyard.

How do you make a plumber sad?

You kill his family.

What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?

The Dark Knight Rises.

If a man kills a kid, it's called Murder.

If a woman kills a kid, it's called Reproductive Rights.

I say 1, 2, 3, all the kids bullied me, but now they're not so cool, cuz I shot up the school.

Why did the guitarist go to prison?

'Cause he fingered A minor.

Rape isn't funny unless she's laughing, too.

When I saw a dead body on the ground and my editor was filming, I told him to censor that a-hole. When I saw the completed product, he censored me. Then I killed him.

"Suicide is a murder, and my body should go to jail."

Why does an orphan play GTA to be wanted? 😂😭

"Hippity hoppity, the school shooter spotted me."