Crime jokes

"You are under arrest for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia!"

"Wait! I can explain everything!"

What do you call a large lamp that does illicit things to young children?

A Jacko Lantern!

I just saw people writing "Zoophile," "Ailurophile," and "Dendrophilia" in their bios. I thought this was cool, but when I wrote "Necrophile" and "Pedophile," I don't know why people started hating me as if I did something wrong. I was just trying to be cool like them, man.

Why did the orphan become a killer?

Because he knew they would not look for him.

What's the difference between my girlfriend and my uncle?

My girlfriend didn't go to jail for loving me.

Everybody loves guns!

Every time I show them mine, they give me free stuff.

A man found a chest full of gold, so he went to go tell his wife, only to remember why he was digging.

When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead, I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.

You know what I hate about rape?

Keeping it a secret.

What is it called when Bill Cosby and an illegal immigrant fight?

Aliens vs. Predator

What is a school shooter's favorite animal?

A Desert Eagle.

A blind guy shot up a town.

I guess he couldn’t see the road to heaven.

Me: "I like kids."

I was walking by a prison when I saw a midget in an orange jumpsuit climbing down the fence. When he hit the ground and sneered at me, I said, “Well, that’s a little condescending.”

What's the difference between baby Jesus and the baby I keep in my basement?

Baby Jesus died a virgin.

A pedophile is playing poker with 8 seven-year-olds.

The pedophile has a pair of 7's and three 4's in the river. He smiles and says, "Yay, I got me a full house!"

A lady runs into a police station and yells, "Help, help! I've been graped!"

A police officer says, "Do you mean raped?"

The girl then replies, "No, there was a bunch of 'em!"

A cop saw an old lady carrying two sacks. He asked the lady what she was doing. She opened one bag and shows a bunch of cash.

"How did you get all this?" asked the cop.

"Well, I live behind a golf course, and my backyard has many holes in its fence. Since there are no bathrooms nearby, the golfers stick their dicks through the holes and piss onto my hard, and that keeps killing my flowers. So, I grabbed my hedge clippers, and when they stick it through, I grab their dick and yell, '10 bucks right now or it comes clean off!' After that, nobody pees in my yard ever again."

The cop responded with, "Dang. But what about the other bag?"

She said, "Not everybody paid."

what do you call a rape victim in Ukraine?

Debris.

Roses are red... Orphans are blue... I killed the priest so I could rape them too.