Crime jokes
If you get pinched by a man in a wheelchair, can you call it a "hit and can't run?"
I've been looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer for the past two years.
But no one would do it.
Why are Indians such good actors?
Most of them are phone scammers.
What type of file does it take to turn a 4 mm hole to a 44 mm hole?
A pedophile.
Why can't depressed kids high five a tree? It will leave them hanging.
Why can't orphans play baseball? Because they can't find home!
A serial killer was at my house and killed all my family but me. Why? I was in the living room.
What do sloths and depressed people have in common? They both hang off trees.
What is a group of depressed kids called? The suicide squad.
Kobe would still be alive if he would have gone to jail for raping that girl.
"Sweet victory" fans: Fuck the NFL. They should be disbanded!
Harvey Weinstein: I raped five girls, and the NFL was one of them.
What do kidnappers and Mickey Mouse have in common? They say, "Come inside, it’s fun inside."
Why did the depressed person rob a bank? Because you're not killing yourself if a cop does it for you!
Did you hear about the ninja pedophile? No one saw him coming.
First of all, if a woman sues Bill Cosby for drugging and rape 50 years ago, and she could still remember it, it couldn't have been all bad.
For pedophiles, watching teen porn must be like watching mature porn.
Why did the police go to a baseball game?
Because a player stole the base.
What did the pedophile say to the nutcracker?
"Aren't you a little too young to be doing that?"
I had a huge crush on this girl when I was eight. One recess we met together on the playground, and she brought me to the corner of the playground. That was my first kiss, and from there it got serious. I told my parents a week later and they freaked out, called the police, and they arrested my crush. I miss Mrs. Johnson.
What is the worst thing you can find out about a woman on a first date?
She claims to have been raped. Then, you know to get as far away from her as possible because she's probably a feminazi bitch.
Yo mama so fat, she got arrested for carrying ten pounds of crack.
Little girls are like basic math. If they're under 13, you do them in your head.
A pedophile lures a group of Houston Girl Scouts with "Hey girls, would you like some candy?" They all agree and follow him to his neighborhood. There he offers them some more candy and they follow him to his house. Once again he offers them candy to go in to his house. In the lounge he offers them candy to go to his room. As he leads them up the stairs one of them pipes up and says "God, I hope we get laid before we get diabetes."
A guy was on trial for murder, and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.
After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's house, told him what a great job he had done, and paid him the $10,000.
The redneck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all thought he was not guilty and wanted to let him go.