Crime jokes

A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was, "She was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?" The wife replies, "Perform the fucking autopsy!"

If you push someone that's bullying, if you kill someone that's murder, if there is no evidence it's nothing.

What do you take care of after a car crash?

The witnesses.

I'd hit you, but I don't want to go to jail for animal abuse.

Pedophiles are fucking immature assholes.

What is a pedophile's favorite part about Halloween? -- Free delivery.

Girl: "Hey, why don't you come over?"

Guy: "I can't. Cops are looking for me, they say I killed 2 people."

Girl: "C'mon, my parents aren't home."

Guy: "About that..."