Crime jokes
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Answer:
The man said, "He's going to rape the people on the side of the road."
I was walking to the park and a mystery killer came and shot me.
How many gangsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
35! Do you have a problem with that?
When the school shooter is about to leave your classroom and the autistic kid's Sketchers light up.
Someone burgled my house the other day. It was terrible.
They ripped all of the front and back pages of my dictionaries. Things went from bad to worse.
I bought these trainers from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced it with, but I have been trippin' all day.
Q. What's the difference between people and a toilet?
A. Neither does R. Kelly.
I killed a Wood elf yesterday. The guard charged me with... mer-der.
I would kill for something to eat--the cannibal.
I always loved going to Bill Cosby's house; he always greeted me when I woke up with "Rapey-rapey, eggs and bakey."
Why do people name a kid "Rob?" Because they want him to rob a bank so they could adopt new kids to lock in their basement for a late-night toy.
I was fucking this girl, and I started to make her cry.
She mumbled things and squirmed, but I couldn't hear her through the gag I put in her mouth.
Why did the Mafia cross the road?
Forget about it...
Why won't an American atheist convert to the religion of Islam in the city of Dearborn, Michigan?
Because being on the sex offender list is the only requirement to be able to join a mosque in the city of Dearborn, Michigan.
I lit my girlfriend on fire. I guess you could say I ignited her fire.
So my dad walks into a bar and there was a hooker and a child. I was with him and they both approached us and they said only £50 for head but it was a little weird that the child was talking to my dad and the hooker was talking to me. I was about to say something but my dad pushed me over and my friend's uncle killed my dad.
The kid was never seen again. Her name was Madeleine McCann. I think I'm the only one who knows where she is, but overall the head from the hooker was good.
Jeffery Dahmer has two things: an RV and a pit.
What is different about the two is that one can't move and one has gas.
But what is similar is tha-
Wait, what is Jeffery doing? He has a knife, he is pulling men's pants down, he is...OH SHIT WHAT THE F-!
Sorry 'bout that......
Now, as I was saying,
What is similar about the two is that one has and is a cockpit.
Wait, a cockpit- JEFFERY WHAT THE F-!
Me: "What are you doing??"
Bully: "Where's my nan's urn?!?"
Me: "I don't know."
Bully: "Tell me!! *says worthless shit*"
Me: "Next time you're looking for the urn, don't bother, I smoked her ashes. They were so fucking good. I then used a quarter of them as an exfoliator, cleared my acne and eczema btw!! Then built sandcastles with them, then blew them in your family's face after!"
Don't bully kids.
What do you call a bunch of people near each other?
The start of the Hollacoast.
Murder: Wanna play a game?
Me: Ok (pulls out Xbox controller)