Have you heard about the kidnapping at the goat farm?
Crime Jokes
Why did the serial killer let the guy in a wheelchair go? Because the guy didn’t really have any body for the serial killer to stab.
I will always remember my grandpa's last words after robbing a bank: "Oh, shit! The pigs are catching up!" But the cops did not kill him; he drove full speed off a cliff.
My brother likes his Vegemite so black, it stole our car.
You're snorting cocaine with your buddies. Your eyes are closed, feeling the bliss of drugs, when suddenly something wet touches your nostril. Your buddy Mark stuck his PENIS in your face. You look up at Mark, and he says, "I'm sorry," and runs away, his pants still down.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Bum.
Bum who?
Bum holding a pistol!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fishes.
Fishes who?
Fishes the police, come out with your hands up!
A turtle was walking down the street when suddenly a snail came and robbed him. When the police came, they asked what happened. The turtle responded, "I don't know, it all happened so fast!"
When a person went to a restaurant, they died once they were in. Three people were a suspect. Two were suspected because she served the food. Turns out, it was the food!
Man: Oi, dude, why did you shoot the orphans!?
Other man: Because.
Man: Because why!?
Other man: Because who are they gonna tell? Their parents?
You can't put an orphan on house arrest if there isn't a house to arrest them to.
The woman was thinking she wanted to have sex, but one second later, she did it on the street with a criminal.
What does a middle aged man live in?
A retarded kid he keeps in the van.
Here’s what I did to the kids at the orphanage. I dropkicked 12, lit 10 on fire, comboed 9, punched 3, and murdered 1.
I put glue in a man :)
Q: What's red and screams?
A: A peeled baby in a bag of salt.
My Dad keeps beating me and my mom. Please call the police. My name is Jacob Upchurch.
What’s the only type of batteries that they use in prisons? Duracell.
What’s the difference between acne and a Catholic priest?
Acne waits till you’re 13 to come on your face.
The Man: "Sonny, why do you come to get some milk every day?"
The Son: "Because milk is important."
The Man: "Why don't you ever come with your mom?"
The Boy: "Who?"
The Man: "Your mom?"
The Boy: "I don't have a mom."
The Man: "I'm sorry for your loss."
The boy stared for a moment when two men came out of the vehicle and picked up the boy.
