Crime jokes

How do paedophiles greet people?

"How are you, kid?"

When the school shooter shoots the autistic kid and he thinks he's having an orgasm.

What’s the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?

The prostitute can wash her “crack” and sell it again.

What's black, white, and red all over?

Lossvagus school shooting.

What’s the difference between a bullet and a prostitute? They both burst a barrel.

What’s the best part of raping an 11 year old girl?

Killing the little bitch after you’ve finished with her.

One night I was sitting on my bed in my room, minding my own business. It was pretty late, around 10 PM. The glow of my laptop screen was the only light in the room. I heard a noise coming from behind me. It sounded like the door was opening, but there was no one else in the house.

I turned around and found Mr. Incredible standing in my doorway, a stern look on his face. He walked over to me, slowly and dramatically. Then he leaned over and pointed his finger at my face, only about two inches away now. I was frozen with my back against the wall. Then, Mr. Incredible said something I would never forget: "Stop pirating video games."

Ever since that day, I have never gone on a pirating website and have paid legally for my video games. True story.

Child predators: "You're so six-y."

Why did Jimmy throw the clock out the window? Because it reminded him of Arnold Clock, the man who knife-raped his wife.

So you know how sheets are always so tight at hotels?

Well I looked under the bed and there is a freaking room cleaner holding the sheets. All he says is "Don't ask or you shall die!"

Jack and Jill went up the hill, both had Bacardi rum. When Jill's was gone, she wanted Jack's, that's why she took it from him.

What's the difference between acne and a Catholic priest?

Acne doesn't cum on a kid's face 'til they're 13 or 14.

A man tried to attack me with milk and cheese—how dairy!

What's the first thing that a battered woman does when she gets out of the shelter?

My last if she knows what's good for her.

Yo mama is soooooo fat that she was arrested for carrying 10 pounds of crack!

I was at a supermarket in Barcelona and I noticed the alarm had gone off. There was a thief at the store; the tea bag section had been ransacked.

Luckily they found the thief, Pionel Pessi, with boxes of his favourite tea, Penaltea. Shame on you, Pessi!

When I was younger, I thought that it was cool to use knives because kids used to ask me to use them.

By the way, have you seen my sister?

A 14 year old girl was walking back home late at night, then a man was following her. An hour later, she got back home not only had she lost the stranger, but also her virginity.

Guys, you know any best rape roleplay? (I'm a guy, btw.)

My Dad keeps beating me and my mom. Please call the police. My name is Jacob Upchurch.