Have you heard about the kidnapping at the goat farm?
I will always remember my grandpa's last words after robbing a bank: "Oh, shit! The pigs are catching up!" But the cops did not kill him; he drove full speed off a cliff.
My brother likes his Vegemite so black, it stole our car.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Bum.
Bum who?
Bum holding a pistol!
You're snorting cocaine with your buddies. Your eyes are closed, feeling the bliss of drugs, when suddenly something wet touches your nostril. Your buddy Mark stuck his PENIS in your face. You look up at Mark, and he says, "I'm sorry," and runs away, his pants still down.
Why did the serial killer let the guy in a wheelchair go? Because the guy didn’t really have any body for the serial killer to stab.
What does a middle aged man live in?
A retarded kid he keeps in the van.
I put glue in a man :)
My Dad keeps beating me and my mom. Please call the police. My name is Jacob Upchurch.
What’s the only type of batteries that they use in prisons? Duracell.
Q: What's red and screams?
A: A peeled baby in a bag of salt.
What’s the difference between acne and a Catholic priest?
Acne waits till you’re 13 to come on your face.
The Man: "Sonny, why do you come to get some milk every day?"
The Son: "Because milk is important."
The Man: "Why don't you ever come with your mom?"
The Boy: "Who?"
The Man: "Your mom?"
The Boy: "I don't have a mom."
The Man: "I'm sorry for your loss."
The boy stared for a moment when two men came out of the vehicle and picked up the boy.
The ice cream man tried to murder me today.
Child predators: "You're so six-y."
Pedophiles smell good.
What's the POINT in stabbing people?
HAHAHA
People often ask me what I would do for a Klondike bar. Well, I'd straight up put 5 hijackers on Flight 175 before it departed from Logan Airport at 8:14 a.m. on September 11, 2001.
I like my boo like I like my packages: straight out of the box.
Roses are red, I have a confession:
A man kills best friend after 10hrs anal sex session.
