Crime jokes
Why did the pedo cross the road?
To get to the pre-school on the other side.
Say what you want against pedophiles, but they slow down in school zones.
What's the difference between Axne and a priest??
One waits till you're 13 to come on your face.
My father told me to always carry a women's bag, but I don't know why he called the cops on me when I helped Mom's bag when we went parachuting. :(
I'm required by law to tell you I am a registered sex offender.
The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.
What did the man who had sex with an Instagram model in the reverse cowgirl position while going 90 on the freeway get charged for?
Driving under the influencer.
Why did the homeless man stop to help the kids cross the street?
To get them into his van.
A shoplifter tried to rob a grocery store.
He was asked to give an "eggsplanation."
My last relationship ended because my ex-girlfriend accused me of being a rapist. I'm not upset. To be honest, I didn't like her anyway. She kept telling me I never listen, or something like that.
Most people smother babies with love.
I smother them with pillows.
What similarities do peeping Toms and spies share?
They both see things they shouldn't.
My builder was extending my basement when he questioned me because he found three dead kids in a corner tied together.
Why did the serial killer let the guy in a wheelchair go? Because the guy didn’t really have any body for the serial killer to stab.
I left a ticket to a WNBA game on the dashboard when I went to go get the groceries.
A burglar broke in and left another one on the dashboard.
Why do they call them a nonce?
Because they go for people who don't have any sense.
What do you call an ass that’s a DETECTIVE?
An undercover pooper.
What’s a kidnapper's favorite shoe brand?
White vans.
Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy. You wouldn't believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.
"I have cancer," the doctor said. "I have 3 days to live," but I was like "fuck it" and killed him. The jury said, "I have life in prison." I shouted, "Yes!" He said, "Thank you, you saved my life!"