Crime jokes

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Stranger.

Stranger who?

Stranger, why are you in my house masticating my apparent dead wife?

What shoes does a pedophile wear?

White vans.

How many dead strippers does it take to change a light?

At least 13 because my basement is still dark.

One day, a snail got robbed by two turtles.

The cops arrived and arrested the woman for killing her cheating husband, and the son was sent to child services. (Moral - no one cares about the frkn snail and turtles!)

What do you call an alligator detective??

An investi-gator.

How can you tell when a female was raped? She crossed herself out.

I never understood school shooting jokes.

I guess they were aimed at younger audiences.

What's the difference between a priest and a rapist?

How do paedophiles greet people?

"How are you, kid?"

When the school shooter shoots the autistic kid and he thinks he's having an orgasm.

What’s the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?

The prostitute can wash her “crack” and sell it again.

Why do you go to the bank?

To get money.

When do you run from the bank?

When the cops come.

What's black, white, and red all over?

Lossvagus school shooting.

Ever heard of rape jokes?

No?

Well, I'll MAKE you hear 'em!

Jack and Jill went up to an abandoned house.

Jack drank too much and unzipped his fly. Jack said, "You know you wanna." Jill said, "No." So Jack locked both of them in the house and put a gag in Jill's mouth, tied her to a bed. He ripped off her dress and underwear. He took off his pants and his underwear too, then put on a condom. He then put a pill in her mouth and made her swallow. One minute later she was asleep. He took off her gag and mounted himself on her, then stuck his "candystick" in her mouth, next her fanny. Then his condom broke, but he was too drunk to notice. Nine months later a baby's born and Jack's in jail as the father.

What’s the best part of raping an 11 year old girl?

Killing the little bitch after you’ve finished with her.

What’s the difference between a bullet and a prostitute? They both burst a barrel.

One night I was sitting on my bed in my room, minding my own business. It was pretty late, around 10 PM. The glow of my laptop screen was the only light in the room. I heard a noise coming from behind me. It sounded like the door was opening, but there was no one else in the house.

I turned around and found Mr. Incredible standing in my doorway, a stern look on his face. He walked over to me, slowly and dramatically. Then he leaned over and pointed his finger at my face, only about two inches away now. I was frozen with my back against the wall. Then, Mr. Incredible said something I would never forget: "Stop pirating video games."

Ever since that day, I have never gone on a pirating website and have paid legally for my video games. True story.

Why did Jimmy throw the clock out the window? Because it reminded him of Arnold Clock, the man who knife-raped his wife.

So you know how sheets are always so tight at hotels?

Well I looked under the bed and there is a freaking room cleaner holding the sheets. All he says is "Don't ask or you shall die!"