Crime jokes

I was fucking this girl, and I started to make her cry.

She mumbled things and squirmed, but I couldn't hear her through the gag I put in her mouth.

What’s the worst part about a dead prostitute?

You end up doing all the work.

Why should you fear white people in prison instead of the blacks?

Because you know that whites are in for actually committing something.

Say what you will about pedophiles. At least they drive slowly through school zones.

Me: "What are you doing??"

Bully: "Where's my nan's urn?!?"

Me: "I don't know."

Bully: "Tell me!! *says worthless shit*"

Me: "Next time you're looking for the urn, don't bother, I smoked her ashes. They were so fucking good. I then used a quarter of them as an exfoliator, cleared my acne and eczema btw!! Then built sandcastles with them, then blew them in your family's face after!"

Don't bully kids.

What do you call a bunch of people near each other?

The start of the Hollacoast.

Murder: Wanna play a game?

Me: Ok (pulls out Xbox controller)

I was listening to my children praying, and my youngest that can speak said to me: "Mama, why is Gramma dead?"

I smiled and told her, "Well, less than 10 years ago when I was 5, your age, my Momma took me into the basement with some hot rando during a party. And 9 months later Shinana was born. One Pedo after another and your 4 siblings were born. The Pedo I met last night told me, 'If your mother's the one making you do this, do what you do best.' I listened and the next day she didn't leave her bed breathing. When the Pedo found out he left me and your soon to be brother."

She replies with, "Make his child support expensive!" Now he has to pay me 2,000 U.S. dollars every month, like the other ones that ran away.

Roses are red, I have a confession:

A man kills best friend after 10hrs anal sex session.

What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

The hooker can wash out her crack and reuse it.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Stranger.

Stranger who?

Stranger, why are you in my house masticating my apparent dead wife?

What shoes does a pedophile wear?

White vans.

How many dead strippers does it take to change a light?

At least 13 because my basement is still dark.

One day, a snail got robbed by two turtles.

The cops arrived and arrested the woman for killing her cheating husband, and the son was sent to child services. (Moral - no one cares about the frkn snail and turtles!)

Why do you go to the bank?

To get money.

When do you run from the bank?

When the cops come.

Ever heard of rape jokes?

No?

Well, I'll MAKE you hear 'em!

What's the difference between a priest and a rapist?

What do you call an alligator detective??

An investi-gator.

How can you tell when a female was raped? She crossed herself out.

I never understood school shooting jokes.

I guess they were aimed at younger audiences.