Crime jokes

What's black, white, and red all over?

Lossvagus school shooting.

Why do you go to the bank?

To get money.

When do you run from the bank?

When the cops come.

Ever heard of rape jokes?

No?

Well, I'll MAKE you hear 'em!

What’s the best part of raping an 11 year old girl?

Killing the little bitch after you’ve finished with her.

What’s the difference between a bullet and a prostitute? They both burst a barrel.

One night I was sitting on my bed in my room, minding my own business. It was pretty late, around 10 PM. The glow of my laptop screen was the only light in the room. I heard a noise coming from behind me. It sounded like the door was opening, but there was no one else in the house.

I turned around and found Mr. Incredible standing in my doorway, a stern look on his face. He walked over to me, slowly and dramatically. Then he leaned over and pointed his finger at my face, only about two inches away now. I was frozen with my back against the wall. Then, Mr. Incredible said something I would never forget: "Stop pirating video games."

Ever since that day, I have never gone on a pirating website and have paid legally for my video games. True story.

Child predators: "You're so six-y."

Why did Jimmy throw the clock out the window? Because it reminded him of Arnold Clock, the man who knife-raped his wife.

So you know how sheets are always so tight at hotels?

Well I looked under the bed and there is a freaking room cleaner holding the sheets. All he says is "Don't ask or you shall die!"

Jack and Jill went up the hill, both had Bacardi rum. When Jill's was gone, she wanted Jack's, that's why she took it from him.

What's the difference between acne and a Catholic priest?

Acne doesn't cum on a kid's face 'til they're 13 or 14.

I was at a supermarket in Barcelona and I noticed the alarm had gone off. There was a thief at the store; the tea bag section had been ransacked.

Luckily they found the thief, Pionel Pessi, with boxes of his favourite tea, Penaltea. Shame on you, Pessi!

Yo mama is soooooo fat that she was arrested for carrying 10 pounds of crack!

When I was younger, I thought that it was cool to use knives because kids used to ask me to use them.

By the way, have you seen my sister?

A man tried to attack me with milk and cheese—how dairy!

What's the first thing that a battered woman does when she gets out of the shelter?

My last if she knows what's good for her.

Did you hear about the pervert who couldn't decide whether he was into incest or necrophilia?

He killed his mom and then fucked her.

Guys, you know any best rape roleplay? (I'm a guy, btw.)

A 14 year old girl was walking back home late at night, then a man was following her. An hour later, she got back home not only had she lost the stranger, but also her virginity.

Here’s what I did to the kids at the orphanage. I dropkicked 12, lit 10 on fire, comboed 9, punched 3, and murdered 1.