Crime jokes

I put glue in a man :)

Here’s what I did to the kids at the orphanage. I dropkicked 12, lit 10 on fire, comboed 9, punched 3, and murdered 1.

What does a middle aged man live in?

A retarded kid he keeps in the van.

The woman was thinking she wanted to have sex, but one second later, she did it on the street with a criminal.

What’s the only type of batteries that they use in prisons? Duracell.

Why did the serial killer let the guy in a wheelchair go? Because the guy didn’t really have any body for the serial killer to stab.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Bum.

Bum who?

Bum holding a pistol!

My brother likes his Vegemite so black, it stole our car.

I will always remember my grandpa's last words after robbing a bank: "Oh, shit! The pigs are catching up!" But the cops did not kill him; he drove full speed off a cliff.

You're snorting cocaine with your buddies. Your eyes are closed, feeling the bliss of drugs, when suddenly something wet touches your nostril. Your buddy Mark stuck his PENIS in your face. You look up at Mark, and he says, "I'm sorry," and runs away, his pants still down.

O-Block

My wife said, "Why oh why have you ordered carpet, our house is lovely?"

Thankfully the carpet was put to good use in the end, no more stupid comments coming from a rolled up Emily in the bottom of the ocean!

I'm thinking about telling my daughter there's a ghost in the house. At least then I can wear a bed sheet at night and fuck her without her being suspicious.

Roses are red, violets are blue, Old man Jeffrey touches the youth.

Why didn't R. Kelly go to Germany to fuck teens? The legal age there is 14...Like bro hop on a plane and fuck a 14 year old hooker!

Have you heard about the kidnapping at the goat farm?

A turtle was walking down the street when suddenly a snail came and robbed him. When the police came, they asked what happened. The turtle responded, "I don't know, it all happened so fast!"

When a person went to a restaurant, they died once they were in. Three people were a suspect. Two were suspected because she served the food. Turns out, it was the food!

Man: Oi, dude, why did you shoot the orphans!?

Other man: Because.

Man: Because why!?

Other man: Because who are they gonna tell? Their parents?

You can't put an orphan on house arrest if there isn't a house to arrest them to.