Crime jokes

A guy goes into the gas station and says, "I need a box of rubbers with pesticide."

The cashier said, "Pesticide? Don't you mean spermicide?"

The guy says, "No! My old lady has had a bug up her ass all week, and I am going to kill it."

What do you call an IT teacher that touches his students?

A PDF file.

Why did the orphan rob the bank?

To be wanted.

I lost my job at the bank. Some lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her.

People thought they were going to another country till they saw terrorists were flying the plane.

Ever wondered why Usain Bolt runs fast? He's training to outrun the cops.

Osama bin Laden

Got like 2,997 kills, damn, that's a new record!

"This is the dude who assassinated JFK."

"If you got a question, just shoot!"

Did you hear that the cameraman got arrested? He shot a film.

I'm Pastor Moe Mister, Moe Lester.

Kid: Hey, Mum, why are we pushing the car off the cliff?

Mum: Shut up, son, you’ll wake your father!

There once was a man who beat his wife, And before he even knew it, he ended her life. His hands were a mess, all red and bloody, He had to find somewhere to hide the body.

An orphan can’t ever play Grand Theft Auto V because he can’t get a wanted level.

So, one day Kylin Banks was playing football. Then he saw Violet. After he saw her, he got bricked up. Then he ran after her and rubbed his pickle all over her. She was so happy.

Shout out to the terrorists, your year is starting off with a bang!

If you combine math and meth, you will become Einstein White.

Git is going to let Bill Cosby out of jail. Oh wait, he watched Little Bill.

What does a terrorist do when they see a twin?

They fly a plane at them.

Wow, he stole my antidepressant toy. The next day, he was on the ground.

I am armed with an automatic 4-OXD 22. caliber machine gun. HANDS IN THE AIR!