Crime jokes
Police arrested a man who dropped his phone in the ocean. The was charged with a salt in battery.
"I’m on a hunt for my wife’s murderer, have been for years."
"Oh my God! Your wife’s been murdered?!"
"No no, you misunderstand. I’m still looking for him."
I just killed a family of five.
Now I’m an orphan.
One thing led to another, now I have a new patio.
Pedophiles are fucking immature assholes.
Not done yet.
Now they are.
I heard guns kill people, so I gave up my right to own one.
Then I heard dicks rape people, so I chopped it off.
Two priests are driving down a road when they are pulled over by the cops.
The cop shines a light in their faces and signals to the driver to roll down his window.
"We're searching for two child molesters," he says.
The driver leans over to the other priest, and they whisper between themselves.
Finally, he turns back to the policeman. "Ok. We'll do it."
What do you call a dwarf with ESP that escaped a prison?
A small medium at large.
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 was a registered 6 offender.
What did the hooker say when she found out the cash she was paid with for services rendered was counterfeit?
I've been raped!
What do you call it when a Mexican and a pedophile fight?
Alien vs Predator.
I always use chloroform when stealing a child.
Who is the new heterosexual Michael Joseph Jackson (pedophile)?
R. Kelly.
POV: Wine Taster in hell.
I was sitting with the best wine ever made on the table in front of me. This silhouette begins to speak, "You have risen to be the most superb Wine Taster on Earth. Then you got run over by a truck hauling freshly made wine to a warehouse. Your crimes are as follows: you left your high school prom date with another man after you got her pregnant, you let your mother believe that the cat ran away after you drowned it in the pool, and you never got married. How do you plead?"
The man looked at the silhouette like it was a purple rabbit.
"Guilty," said the man, "but if you would be so kind would you at least tell me what the wine in front of me tastes and smells like? I will take any punishment you deem fit."
"Very well," said the silhouette, "but you will regret that request."
Out of the shadows comes a boy only looking 19 years old. The boy says, "I will you taster today. I am confident about my sense of taste." The boy takes the first bottle and opens it, pours it into a wine glass, and swirls it around. He then takes a sniff and begins to drink, to the Wine Taster he says, "Mmmm, taste like chicken."
Did you hear about the pervert who couldn't decide whether he was into incest or necrophilia?
He killed his mom and then fucked her.
When the school shooter asks the autistic kid which hostage he wants to rape, and he looks at you like 😋.
What's the difference between a cop and a bullet?
When a bullet kills someone, it gets fired.
Did you hear about the guy who was arrested for stealing luggage? Unfortunately, he lost his case.
Three old women are sitting on a park bench. A man in a trench coat comes and flashes them.
The first woman had a stroke. The second woman had a stroke. The third woman couldn't quite reach.
Roses are red, I have free candy, get in my van, I have a gun handy.