Crime jokes

Why did the terrorist masturbate and smoke weed on the plane?

He was told to high-jack it.

You hear about Rapboats' time in prison? He kept droppin' the soap on purpose.

Why does rapboat like underage girls? Cos grown ass girls are too clever for him.

Why did the Mafia cross the road?

Forget about it...

I always loved going to Bill Cosby's house; he always greeted me when I woke up with "Rapey-rapey, eggs and bakey."

I was fucking this girl, and I started to make her cry.

She mumbled things and squirmed, but I couldn't hear her through the gag I put in her mouth.

I bought these trainers from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced it with, but I have been trippin' all day.

When do you go at stop and stop when done?

I don't know, I'm not a pedophile.

What happens when you bring a paedophile to a baby's birthday party?

You will have even more birthday parties to go to.

I would kill for something to eat--the cannibal.

Why do people name a kid "Rob?" Because they want him to rob a bank so they could adopt new kids to lock in their basement for a late-night toy.

I killed a Wood elf yesterday. The guard charged me with... mer-der.

Q. What's the difference between people and a toilet?

A. Neither does R. Kelly.

Say what you will about pedophiles. At least they drive slowly through school zones.

What do Batman and a Black man have in common?

Answer: They can't go anywhere without Robin.

Me: "What are you doing??"

Bully: "Where's my nan's urn?!?"

Me: "I don't know."

Bully: "Tell me!! *says worthless shit*"

Me: "Next time you're looking for the urn, don't bother, I smoked her ashes. They were so fucking good. I then used a quarter of them as an exfoliator, cleared my acne and eczema btw!! Then built sandcastles with them, then blew them in your family's face after!"

Don't bully kids.

What do you call a bunch of people near each other?

The start of the Hollacoast.

Murder: Wanna play a game?

Me: Ok (pulls out Xbox controller)

I was listening to my children praying, and my youngest that can speak said to me: "Mama, why is Gramma dead?"

I smiled and told her, "Well, less than 10 years ago when I was 5, your age, my Momma took me into the basement with some hot rando during a party. And 9 months later Shinana was born. One Pedo after another and your 4 siblings were born. The Pedo I met last night told me, 'If your mother's the one making you do this, do what you do best.' I listened and the next day she didn't leave her bed breathing. When the Pedo found out he left me and your soon to be brother."

She replies with, "Make his child support expensive!" Now he has to pay me 2,000 U.S. dollars every month, like the other ones that ran away.

What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

The hooker can wash out her crack and reuse it.