Crime jokes
Roses are red, my name is Dan...
TDM, I have a gun, GET IN THE VAN!
Jack and Jill went up a hill so Jill could lick Jack's candystick, but Jill got a surprise when she saw her boyfriend Rik. He got so angry Jack has no candystick no more. Jill went home with a black eye, and Rik got arrested for cutting Jack's candystick.
POV: Wine Taster in hell.
I was sitting with the best wine ever made on the table in front of me. This silhouette begins to speak, "You have risen to be the most superb Wine Taster on Earth. Then you got run over by a truck hauling freshly made wine to a warehouse. Your crimes are as follows: you left your high school prom date with another man after you got her pregnant, you let your mother believe that the cat ran away after you drowned it in the pool, and you never got married. How do you plead?"
The man looked at the silhouette like it was a purple rabbit.
"Guilty," said the man, "but if you would be so kind would you at least tell me what the wine in front of me tastes and smells like? I will take any punishment you deem fit."
"Very well," said the silhouette, "but you will regret that request."
Out of the shadows comes a boy only looking 19 years old. The boy says, "I will you taster today. I am confident about my sense of taste." The boy takes the first bottle and opens it, pours it into a wine glass, and swirls it around. He then takes a sniff and begins to drink, to the Wine Taster he says, "Mmmm, taste like chicken."
My father told me to always carry a women's bag, but I don't know why he called the cops on me when I helped Mom's bag when we went parachuting. :(
If a lawyer gives birth to a stillborn baby, is it considered a miscarriage of justice?
Off brand Hollow Knight
Roses are red, Epstein's face turned blue.
Trump's on that list, And there's nothing he can do.
When Chris Brown heard he wasn’t the only one to hit a woman.
Stop the cap.
What's the difference between child abuse and abandonment?
The abused ones are forced to listen while being abused, while abandoned kids cry because they don't have parents anymore.
Why did the rapper go to school?
To improve his rap sheet!
My best friend was recently gunned down in a drive-by shooting and died a virgin, but he wasn’t buried one.
What is a terrorist's favorite song?
"Pumped Up Kicks."
What do you call an ass that’s a DETECTIVE?
An undercover pooper.
I just prevented a 10-year-old from getting assaulted.
Nothing much, I just decided to go home.
What's the best thing about a prostitute dying on you during sex?
The second hour is free.
I woke up one day to find handcuffs on my bed. Turns out, the girl I drugged yesterday escaped.
I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy!
Q. What happens when a pedophile spills his coffee? A. It leaves an EP-stain.
Why can't an orphan be a criminal? Because they are not wanted.
Why do cops never put orphans in jail?
Because they aren't wanted.
Weed: *gets hit by his own power*
Cop: Wait, shouldn’t you be resistant to your own element?
Weed: Are you resistant to bullets when you shoot a gun?