Crime jokes

Say what you want about Jeffrey Epstein, but at least he knew how to take out the trash.

Roses are red, Epstein's face turned blue.

Trump's on that list, And there's nothing he can do.

I had a threesome on an elevator with a monkey and my underage, deaf, & mentally challenged sister...

It was wrong on so many levels.

When Chris Brown heard he wasn’t the only one to hit a woman.

Stop the cap.

Weed: *gets hit by his own power*

Cop: Wait, shouldn’t you be resistant to your own element?

Weed: Are you resistant to bullets when you shoot a gun?

Why do cops never put orphans in jail?

Because they aren't wanted.

Your hairline is so messed up, it made Jeffrey Dahmer cry.

A guy gets home from work to see his girlfriend packing, and he asks her why she is packing. The girl says, "Because I found out you're a pedophile." The guy goes, "A pedophile?" And she says, "Yes." The guy goes, "That's a big word for a 12-year-old."

I hate when people leave their cars running, especially in the summer.

I'm like, "You got Tracy Latimer in there or something?"

I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy!

What is a terrorist's favorite song?

"Pumped Up Kicks."

What's the difference between child abuse and abandonment?

The abused ones are forced to listen while being abused, while abandoned kids cry because they don't have parents anymore.

What's the best thing about a prostitute dying on you during sex?

The second hour is free.

What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?

A PDF file.

What’s the difference between a pig and Maddie McCann?

Least a pig had an apple in its mouth when it was spit roasted.

I woke up one day to find handcuffs on my bed. Turns out, the girl I drugged yesterday escaped.

Why don't molestation victims speak up about their trauma? Because it's a touchy topic.

Why did the kidnapper cross the road?

To get the kids at the playground.

I killed a man in '94.

Why did an orphan rob a bank?

To be wanted.