Crime jokes

What’s the coolest thing about having a 12 year old friend...

You get to meet Chris Hansen!

Officer: Hi, how high are you?

Pothead: No officer, it's "how are you?"

Officer: Oh, I'm sorry, I've been high since last night.

Pothead: Cool, I'd like to give you some weed, happy 420, sir.

Officer: Omg, thanks man, appreciate that.

If you kill someone, that's murder.

If you kill a family member, that's still murder.

If you kill a child, that's "child abuse."

I cummed on the alley.

What does 9 and 36 add up to?

A life in prison.

I bet you're a child molester who got out of jail and is now sexually harassing kids such as Addison! Will fuck off and get a life, btw your roasts are not fucking funny, they're bullshit like your face and your hairline.

What is a nonce's favorite toy...? You.

Me: punching a kid.

My FBI agent: You're adopted.

What is the difference between a terrorist and a prostitute?

The prostitute can blow you more than once.

What happened to the woman who dated a rapist?

She was date raped.

If you steal a lottery ticket, is it considered Grand Theft Lotto?

What was the guitar teacher arrested for? Stringing a minor.

Chuck Norris hasn’t decided yet when Jimmy Hoffa can come out.

What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

There is one good part about paedophiles... they go slow in school zones.

Why did the vegetable go to jail?

He kaled a man and stole a 9-carat gold bar.

One day I was walking along the street and I found some caution tape... Just sitting there torn up... Beat up, and you could barely unravel it anymore because I would just burst into shreds... It kinda reminded me of what happened to my sister's killer... They still haven’t found him yet... I’m really good at hide and seek!

What's the best thing about being a pedophile? You can choose the fit profession where you find kids most.

What is black and blue and really hates sex?

The six-year-old in my basement.

A 23 year old priest walks into a high school with an automatic weapon. He tells those who believe in God to stand up and leave.

To the children who don't leave, he says, "Do not worry my children, I shall make thou 'hole-y' as well."

He then proceeds to shoot all of the students left.