Crime jokes

Why did Jack throw his alarm clock out the window?

Because it reminded him of Arnold Clock, the man who was accused of knife-raping his wife.

Two guys are captured by native Chinese. They give them two choices: 1. Death. 2. 他妈的

The first guy: What's 他妈的?

The Chinese: Fucking.

The first guy chooses death.

Second guy to himself: Well, I'll let these sick fucks fuck me. At least I'll be alive...

The Chinese: Come on, we don't have all day.

Second guy: I choose 他妈的.

The Chinese: Ok, 他妈的 to the death!

A woman exclaims that she was robbed. She was reading in the dark, candles were next to her. She says the thief opens her cabin of jewelry and leaves and enters from the window. He left the window open so she feels a drift of wind coming towards her. She turns the lights on and sees what happened.

The candle wax was going down straight. A policeman closes the window and cabin then tells her she's lying just for the cash reward. Why?

Because if the drift of wind came in, the candle wax would be dripping to the side, not straight!

When you’re hunting at a forest resort and you shoot a deer, but then you remember that there are no deer at the forest resort.

What do you call a terrorist that can fly?

A dart.

What kind of file turns a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole?

A pedophile.

Why are there adoption centers? Because it's a market for pedophiles.

How many babies does it take to replace a light bulb? I'm guessing more than 10 cause it's still dark in my basement.

People say that they miss xxxtentacion, like the bullet didn’t.

Why doesn't Batman have super vision?

His parents died.

You're walking alone on a street when a person slaps you with a silk glove and runs away. As you watch them run, 2 cops are chasing them.

My teacher is a rapist.

I finally got my wife to shut up.

Who knew all I had to do was bury her alive all these years, ha! Try telling me to get my feet off the couch now, Karen!

What did the first rape victim say to the second rape victim?

"You are a consequence of rape!"

Why did the kid who was blind, in jail, need light to see? He didn't, he needed to braille his way out.

A woman buys a house, but she doesn't know what to name the house, so she stuck her head outside and heard "Hairy butt," so she named the house Hairy Butt.

The next month she had a baby, but she didn't know what to name him, so she stuck her head outside and heard "Crack," so she named the baby Crack.

After a year or two she lost him, so she called the police and said, "Help! I looked all over my hairy butt, but I couldn't find my little crack."

I don't got a pencil or pen in this bookbag. Added like ten to the clip 'cause it look bad. Don't give a fuck if you pissed, nigga, get mad. Or you can bitch and get killed with your bitch ass. Lil' bro got blood on his shirt with his Crip ass. Go write a diss and get murked, don't do shit ass. Bitch, I'm a star, I might burst with my stiff ass. Hop out the car like, "Who want it? Who with that?" I don't know nothin', I was gone when they did that. Bandana wrapped where my chrome and my wig at. If he want beef, hit his home with a Big Mac. Niggas be breakin' the code like a Kit-Kat. Runnin' your mouth like a ho get you bitch-slapped.

What’s the coolest thing about having a 12 year old friend...

You get to meet Chris Hansen!

Why did the pedo stop to help the little kids cross the street?

To get them in his van.

There is one good part about paedophiles... they go slow in school zones.