Crime jokes

You're walking alone on a street when a person slaps you with a silk glove and runs away. As you watch them run, 2 cops are chasing them.

My teacher is a rapist.

I finally got my wife to shut up.

Who knew all I had to do was bury her alive all these years, ha! Try telling me to get my feet off the couch now, Karen!

What did the first rape victim say to the second rape victim?

"You are a consequence of rape!"

Why did the kid who was blind, in jail, need light to see? He didn't, he needed to braille his way out.

A woman buys a house, but she doesn't know what to name the house, so she stuck her head outside and heard "Hairy butt," so she named the house Hairy Butt.

The next month she had a baby, but she didn't know what to name him, so she stuck her head outside and heard "Crack," so she named the baby Crack.

After a year or two she lost him, so she called the police and said, "Help! I looked all over my hairy butt, but I couldn't find my little crack."

I don't got a pencil or pen in this bookbag. Added like ten to the clip 'cause it look bad. Don't give a fuck if you pissed, nigga, get mad. Or you can bitch and get killed with your bitch ass. Lil' bro got blood on his shirt with his Crip ass. Go write a diss and get murked, don't do shit ass. Bitch, I'm a star, I might burst with my stiff ass. Hop out the car like, "Who want it? Who with that?" I don't know nothin', I was gone when they did that. Bandana wrapped where my chrome and my wig at. If he want beef, hit his home with a Big Mac. Niggas be breakin' the code like a Kit-Kat. Runnin' your mouth like a ho get you bitch-slapped.

What’s the coolest thing about having a 12 year old friend...

You get to meet Chris Hansen!

Why did the pedo stop to help the little kids cross the street?

To get them in his van.

There is one good part about paedophiles... they go slow in school zones.

What happened to the woman who dated a rapist?

She was date raped.

What’s the difference between Juice WRLD and George Floyd?

Nothing, they both can’t breathe.

If you steal a lottery ticket, is it considered Grand Theft Lotto?

Officer: Hi, how high are you?

Pothead: No officer, it's "how are you?"

Officer: Oh, I'm sorry, I've been high since last night.

Pothead: Cool, I'd like to give you some weed, happy 420, sir.

Officer: Omg, thanks man, appreciate that.

What is a nonce's favorite toy...? You.

I bet you're a child molester who got out of jail and is now sexually harassing kids such as Addison! Will fuck off and get a life, btw your roasts are not fucking funny, they're bullshit like your face and your hairline.

I cummed on the alley.

If you kill someone, that's murder.

If you kill a family member, that's still murder.

If you kill a child, that's "child abuse."

Chuck Norris hasn’t decided yet when Jimmy Hoffa can come out.

Me: punching a kid.

My FBI agent: You're adopted.