Crime jokes
How are babies and the elderly similar?
They are both fun to throw out of moving cars.
What do you call a man with no legs?
Hangman.
Why do they call them a nonce?
Because they go for people who don't have any sense.
So, I was fucking my daughter the other day and my wife walked in... I don't know what was funnier: the look on her face, or that the abortion clinic let me keep her.
After the school shooting, Joe pretended to be a victim while his sister ate the flesh of the fallen.
Did you know that a majority of the U.S. is afraid of the dark?
Especially if they are right behind you at the ATM.
About to go on a date.
But she was late.
So I got some tape.
And eventually punished her with rape.
How many police officers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they just beat the room for it being black.
One night when I was six, I had this super annoying accent, and when I said the number "six," Oh no... One night my Catholic priest asked me how many cookies I needed for my family. I told him six, but thanks to my accent being mixed with many others including Scottish, French, and Russian, it sounded like I said "I need to have sex." He looked at me strange then pulled me into a closet, being a pedo.
When Momma asked me why I was missing for 6 hours, I told her, "I went to get the cookies like you told me to, and father raped the Christianity out of me." The angry look she gave my father was amazing. Then with my Papa, she beat the hell outta him.
Serves him right.
Two kids walked into a bar. They were covered with blood. The bartender asked what happened.
The youngest said, "Well, we were trying to paint our basement, but we threw the babies too hard!"
Why does it take so long for the pirates to learn the alphabet?
Because they spend years on C! Pirate: A, B, sea?
My gardener found a dead body. Of the old gardener!
I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today. Unfortunately, it's only for victims.
Ever heard of the band "Nothing but Thieves"?
Yeah, it's called RobberBand.
I like my women how I like my wine: 12 years old and locked in a cellar.
Q. What do rapists fear more than rabies?
A. Rape babies.
Why did Jeffery Dahmer not eat old people?
He does not like roasted vegetables.
I raped a disabled child.
I think she's too far gone to repair now.
A shoplifter tried to rob a grocery store.
He was asked to give an "eggsplanation."
Why did the serial killer let the guy in a wheelchair go? Because the guy didn’t really have any body for the serial killer to stab.