Crime jokes
What do you call a short fortune-teller that escaped from jail?
A small medium at large.
What happens when you hear about Mary Brittain beating a Thomas?
You cook spaghetti with his blood!
What's a crazy man's favorite phrase when he has a knife?
"Freak out!"
What's the same about boxes and children?
They're both found in basements.
What's the difference between a pizza and a guy you really hate?
One won't scream when you remove their meat.
Memes
So I walk into Orchids Of Asia. I come out three minutes later with the best massage of my life. What's the catch? Aye, there, matey, the catch of the day be crabs.
I searched on Google, "How to start a wildfire?"
I got 39,300,000 matches.
What's a similarity between Harvey Weinstein's pants and American bombs?
They both drop unannounced and leave mass casualties.
I was just informed that my ex was stabbed yesterday. Let's just say I quit my job as a butcher.
"Bippity Boppity Boop! Bill Cosby's coming for you!"
A man walks into a bar. The corrections officer says, "Usually we open the cell before you go in, now stop bleeding on my floor!"
My brothers kept annoying me.
I told them I would disembowel them if they kept it up.
It was an empty threat—right after I was done.
What's a convict's favorite song?
"I want to break free."
What's worse than 5 babies in a dumpster?
5 dumpsters in a baby.
Why is arson so fun?
IT'S A FIRE ACTIVITY!
HAHAHAHAHAHAPAHAAHAHIIRTAASIISISISHRNHHTHTHTHHNHSHSNIHTAHE
Day 83 of being trapped in þis room. I made a language. I call it hertof. I speak wiþ þe walls now.
Your mama's so young your dad went to jail.
Why did God steal a rib from Adam and make a woman out of it?
God wanted to show that nothing sensible can come of stealing!
POV: Me going to jail after giving the orphan kid a computer without the motherboard.
What do you call a terrorist at a cinema?
A box office bomb.
Why did Al Qaeda lose $100 on a bet?
They bet $100 that they wouldn't crash when they went through the Twin Towers.