Crime jokes

True fact: School shooters aren’t dangerous to you if you're the school shooter.

Bye, I'm Paul Badman. Did you know that you don't have rights? The Articles of Confederation say you don't, and so do I. I believe that until proven innocent, every woman, man, and adult in this country is guilty. And that's why I don't fight for you, Santa Fe!

Why do most orphans become criminals?

Then finally they know what it’s like to be wanted.

What's a convict's favorite song?

"I want to break free."

What's worse than 5 babies in a dumpster?

5 dumpsters in a baby.

You have been accused of stealing toilet rolls. How do you plead?

Guilty or not guilty?

Get shanked with a lamb shank with a stinky pampa in the tolpan.

Why did the robber take a shower before his robbery?

So he could make a clean getaway!

"Abracadabra! Alacuzam! See that woman? She’s now a man."

"After the man got some sun, I turned this banana into a gun! Now look! I now have your phone, Apple Watch, and your credit card!"

What's the same about boxes and children?

They're both found in basements.

What happens when you hear about Mary Brittain beating a Thomas?

You cook spaghetti with his blood!

What's a crazy man's favorite phrase when he has a knife?

"Freak out!"

What do you call a short fortune-teller that escaped from jail?

A small medium at large.

So I walk into Orchids Of Asia. I come out three minutes later with the best massage of my life. What's the catch? Aye, there, matey, the catch of the day be crabs.

I searched on Google, "How to start a wildfire?"

I got 39,300,000 matches.

What's the difference between a pizza and a guy you really hate?

One won't scream when you remove their meat.

"Bippity Boppity Boop! Bill Cosby's coming for you!"

What's a similarity between Harvey Weinstein's pants and American bombs?

They both drop unannounced and leave mass casualties.

I was just informed that my ex was stabbed yesterday. Let's just say I quit my job as a butcher.

My brothers kept annoying me.

I told them I would disembowel them if they kept it up.

It was an empty threat—right after I was done.