Crime jokes

Looking for true love. Must be into fun, likes to go out driving, playing the latest catching game and most importantly, must love kids. (PEADOPHILES MUST APPLY WITH HOW MANY KIDS YOU CAN CARRY!)

How did the man in prison escape?

He drew a bum on the wall and slid through the crack.

What’s the difference between a police man and a bullet?

At least when a bullet kills someone, it’s actually fired.

My grandfather has been through a lot in his time. When he was in the war, he survived a mustard gas attack. And later down the line, he survived being pepper sprayed by the police. He was certainly a real seasoned veteran.

Hey, wake up. I just murdered your family, but I live alone.

Then who are these people in your house? They are people in my house? Well, not anymore, dumb bitch. You're welcome, you could have died.

Teacher: How many kids are in this classroom?

Kid: 73 if you count the ones you have hid in the basement.

There is a dark alley. Who do you call?

Batman.

Orphan: I want to be like Batman.

Orphan worker: You are already like him, honey.

I hate double standards.

Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.” Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”

How did the coke seller react when someone told him a joke?

He CRACKed up.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 was a registered *sex* offender.

Jasper doesn't like little girls and Bin Laden.

Last time I got caught stealing a calendar, I got 12 months.

The bakery I worked at got robbed. They demanded the dough; apparently, it couldn't be baked first.

What's the difference between you and me? You're not strangling a man with a cloak on.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Bill Cosby.

Bill Cosby who?

Never mind, I’ll come back when you’re sleeping.

Did you know that Jeffrey Dahmer was the first person to try Five Guys?

"Did you hear about the flasher who exposed himself to two elderly ladies in Central Park? One had a stroke. The other couldn’t quite reach."

What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?

One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.

My jokes are so dark that I am surprised that the cops didn't shoot them yet.