Crime jokes

If Will Smith had a revolver and said, "Who fucked my wife?" Chris Rock would say, "You don't have enough bullets, mate."

My doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15. Problem solved!

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy.

You wouldn’t believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.

Hello, anybody, I've just shot somebody. I did it on purpose.

I had to go to my friend's house.

I went in her basement and I saw taped mouths that are KIDS in the basement... Is my friend OK???

What is a kidnapper's favorite shoe?

White vans.

Mommy, mommy! Are we drug dealers?

Shut up and cut the coke.

Johnny, Johnny?

Yes, Papa?

Sniffing cocaine?

YES SIRRR!

What happens when an orphan is told that someone had found their parents?

They cry...

They scream... with joy.

"Oh wait, no, that wasn't your parents."

Orphan grabs a knife out of the kitchen, lets just say, the orphan didn't live to tell the tail...

I broke up with my boyfriend and stole his wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back?

A police officer pulls a man over. "Hands in the air!"

The man said, "Okay."

What's the difference between you and me? You're not strangling a man with a cloak on.

How did the man in prison escape?

He drew a bum on the wall and slid through the crack.

What’s the difference between a police man and a bullet?

At least when a bullet kills someone, it’s actually fired.

This ole boy picked up a hooker one time and she gave him the clap. In a few days, he saw her again, and he went up to her and said, "Hey, you gave me the clap!" She said, "NO I DID NOT! I sold it to ya!"

Stephen Hawking robbed the Apple store looking for a charger.

Why do pirates pirate? Because they "Arrrrrrrrrgggghhh!" Hahahahahahahahaha!

Please don't get mad, it's a joke.

What's the difference between a bullet and a police officer? At least when a bullet kills someone, it's fired.

If R. Kelly was a therapist:

14 year old: I hate my life.

R. Kelly: I feel you.

A priest and a child molester walk into a bar. He orders a drink.