Crime jokes

I got sent to the principal's office today because I pushed a kid in a wheelchair into a fire and screamed, "HOT WHEELS!"

Why is the white man in prison scarier than the black one?

The white one actually did it!

I ran into a kid today. Now I'm in jail and I lost my driver's license.

You call it a school shooting.

I call it an unfair shootout.

I'm going to burn Braden Mitchell Kniffen's house down.

Good Lord, any tips on how to kidnap children? I say, "Free candy," and they run.

A man is on his deathbed in prison by electric chair.

The man who controls the chair asks for any last words.

The prisoner replies with: “Can you hold my hand?”

What do you call a gay drive-by?

A fruit roll-up.

Teacher said, "You never do your homework," so I shot her 7 times with a M1 BushDid911 and replied, "It's all in my backpack, can you grade it please?"

What's young, red, and has hot PTSD?

Prince Andrew's victims.

Why don't pirates take a bath before walking the plank?

'Cause they just wash up onshore.

Why do most orphans become criminals?

Then finally they know what it’s like to be wanted.

What's red and got makeup all over?

A Bill Cosby victim.

I asked a man if I was the fastest gun in the west. He said my 17 wasn't good enough. After that, a lot of lead went into his head.

Jim was caught beating a man up. Brooklyn took a picture of his license plate with her phone and told him, "Your life is ruined!" So Jim took a picture of her, and the next thing you know, he said, "Now my phone is ruined!"

Why do orphans play GTA?

Because they like to feel wanted!

What's the difference between the woods and a hooker?

Some hookers have passions for nature. Other hookers will Kill ThEIR Tricks for payback!!!!!!

I've been looking for my parents for years. For the life of me, I can't remember where I buried them.

I saw an ad that said, "By the time this ad is over, two identities would have been stolen." So, I did what I had to do and skipped the ad! You're welcome to the two people's identities I saved!

Orphans can be a robber if they want because their parents won't be disappointed.