Crime jokes

A man walks into a bar. The corrections officer says, "Usually we open the cell before you go in, now stop bleeding on my floor!"

What's worse than 5 babies in a dumpster?

5 dumpsters in a baby.

My brothers kept annoying me.

I told them I would disembowel them if they kept it up.

It was an empty threat—right after I was done.

What's a convict's favorite song?

"I want to break free."

What’s something Bill Cosby and Freddy Krueger have in common?

Once you fall asleep, you’re fucked.

Don’t be racist. Racism is a crime, and crime is for black people.

Imagine playing Subway Surfers in real life.

The creator's son tried that!

(My friends said to post this. I accept no responsibility.)

Why do orphans rob banks?

Because they want to be wanted.

She said she was cheating. I put anti-freeze in her drink.

Bruh, the cops just arrested a black dude...

Well nvm, they shot him dead.

Did you hear what happened to Lorainna Bobbit? She was in an accident on the Garden State Parkway. She told the State Police Officer, "That some dick cut her off."

What do you call the heterosexual Michael Joseph Jackson?

Jeffrey Epstein.

What does a pedophile call an orphanage?

A supermarket.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Jeffrey Epstein?

Only difference between Michael and Jeffrey is Epstein wasn't a smooth criminal, and Michael was.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are robbing a bank. The police are soon after them, so they hide in a bunch of barrels.

The police arrive and search the area. They come over to the barrel where the brunette is hiding and kicks it. The brunette says, "Woof."

"Oh, it's just a dog," says the police officer, and then kicks the second barrel where the redhead is hidden. The redhead says, "Meow."

"Oh, it's just a cat," says the officer, then kicks the last barrel where the blonde is hidden. The blonde says, "Potato."

High school crush: Why do you always look so sad?

Me: My mom is dead, and my favorite grandma, and my uncle killed both of them, and now he's in jail.

High school crush: Shit. Sorry about that.

Me: And my crush hasn't asked me out.

High school crush: Who is it?

Me: You.

Him: Goodbye (as he runs away and never comes back)

Me: Fuck that.

Rape jokes are not funny.

Look at my name by the way😁.

What’s the hardest part about f...ing toddlers?

My boner.

You know you have a domestic abuse problem when you beat your dick.

A guy gives labor to a baby girl and a boy twins. The doctor said but the lady was like,

"Ugh, why do I need my husband to be in labor and I want a girl, not a boy, just a girl!"

The lady passed out 😵 and then found out she was in a coma. The man who was in labor died. The two babies got a nanny, an evil one. The nanny killed the babies on their first birthday.