Crime jokes

So I walk into Orchids Of Asia. I come out three minutes later with the best massage of my life. What's the catch? Aye, there, matey, the catch of the day be crabs.

I searched on Google, "How to start a wildfire?"

I got 39,300,000 matches.

What's the difference between a pizza and a guy you really hate?

One won't scream when you remove their meat.

"Bippity Boppity Boop! Bill Cosby's coming for you!"

What's a similarity between Harvey Weinstein's pants and American bombs?

They both drop unannounced and leave mass casualties.

I was just informed that my ex was stabbed yesterday. Let's just say I quit my job as a butcher.

My brothers kept annoying me.

I told them I would disembowel them if they kept it up.

It was an empty threat—right after I was done.

A man walks into a bar. The corrections officer says, "Usually we open the cell before you go in, now stop bleeding on my floor!"

Ted Bundy walks into a bar wearing all black. The bartender asks, “Whose funeral is it?”

Ted Bundy looks around the room and replies, “I haven’t decided yet.”

Due to her death, you can no longer get a letter from the Queen when you turn 100.

Instead, you now receive a text from Prince Andrew when you turn 14.

Police officers hope you’re a criminal.

Doctors hope you get sick.

Mechanics hope you get car troubles.

But only thieves wish you prosperity.

Weird?

What did the man who had sex with an Instagram model in the reverse cowgirl position while going 90 on the freeway get charged for?

Driving under the influencer.

What does the SpongeBob intro and a pedophile have in common?

"Are you ready kids?"

I pushed a kid in a wheelchair into the school fire and said, "Hot wheels!"

What did the Japanese man say to his friend after he killed somebody?

"That is very Wong."

A guy walks into a bar with a revolver and yells, “WHO THE FUCK FUCKED MY WIFE!”

A man in the back responds, “YOU AIN'T GOT ENOUGH BULLETS MATE!”

Q. What’s black and blue and doesn’t like to have sex?

A. The little girl in my trunk.

Imagine playing Subway Surfers in real life.

The creator's son tried that!

(My friends said to post this. I accept no responsibility.)

Judge to the defendant: "Defendant, do you have a criminal record?"

"No."

"Have you always been honest?"

"No, never been caught!"

How do you break up two blind guys fighting?

Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"