Crime jokes

What's the difference between a Catholic priest and the devil?

The devil always has horns... not just around children.

I pushed a disabled kid into a fire and called him "hot wheels."

Why do they call them a nonce?

Because they go for people who don't have any sense.

What do you call a paraplegic cannibal?

"Dine and dash."

Why does the Please Touch Museum sound like "police touch museum?"

Because they gotta watch out for the pedos.

Why do orphans rob banks?

Because they want to be wanted.

She said she was cheating. I put anti-freeze in her drink.

Imagine a white van. Now imagine a white guy in the driver seat with a sombrero on and his arm out the window, and on the side of the van it says "Free Candy." But there's blood all over the van and a dead clown in the back.

Bruh, the cops just arrested a black dude...

Well nvm, they shot him dead.

Due to her death, you can no longer get a letter from the Queen when you turn 100.

Instead, you now receive a text from Prince Andrew when you turn 14.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Jeffrey Epstein?

Only difference between Michael and Jeffrey is Epstein wasn't a smooth criminal, and Michael was.

If a pregnant lady murders someone, does the child get an assist?

A pedophile and a priest run a race.

You can’t beat yourself in a race!

Why do rappers make terrible pirates?

Because they’re always DROPPING HOOKS!

What's a kidnapper's favorite shoe? White vans.

What does Santa Claus and Bill Cosby have in common?

They both come while you’re asleep.

Don’t be racist. Racism is a crime, and crime is for black people.

How does the cop respond to being called racist?

He said, "How can I be racist? My wife's eyes [are] black."

What did the man say in the morning after beating up his wife?

"I woke up Chris Breezy."

How do you break up two blind guys fighting?

Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"