Crime jokes

You call it a school shooting.

I call it an unfair shootout.

I'm going to burn Braden Mitchell Kniffen's house down.

Good Lord, any tips on how to kidnap children? I say, "Free candy," and they run.

I ran into a kid today. Now I'm in jail and I lost my driver's license.

True fact: School shooters aren’t dangerous to you if you're the school shooter.

A man is on his deathbed in prison by electric chair.

The man who controls the chair asks for any last words.

The prisoner replies with: “Can you hold my hand?”

Bye, I'm Paul Badman. Did you know that you don't have rights? The Articles of Confederation say you don't, and so do I. I believe that until proven innocent, every woman, man, and adult in this country is guilty. And that's why I don't fight for you, Santa Fe!

Get shanked with a lamb shank with a stinky pampa in the tolpan.

What is an orphan's dream?

To get on top of the wanted list! 🤣

Why was six afraid of seven?

Seven was a registered six offender.

My grandpa has the heart of a lion,

and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Why do school shooters have the best shots?

They train at the best schools. 🤣🤣🧇🤣🤣😂😂😂😂😂😂

Why did the painting go to jail? Because it was framed!

A: Knock knock.

B: Who's there?

A: Package from Ted Kaczynski.

B: Package from Te-?

A: BOOM!

I was digging and found some gold. I was going to tell my mom, then I remembered why I was digging.

You have been accused of stealing toilet rolls. How do you plead?

Guilty or not guilty?

"Abracadabra! Alacuzam! See that woman? She’s now a man."

"After the man got some sun, I turned this banana into a gun! Now look! I now have your phone, Apple Watch, and your credit card!"

Why did the robber take a shower before his robbery?

So he could make a clean getaway!

What happens when you hear about Mary Brittain beating a Thomas?

You cook spaghetti with his blood!

What do you call a short fortune-teller that escaped from jail?

A small medium at large.