A pedophile and a priest run a race.
You can’t beat yourself in a race!
Crime Jokes
What do you call an autistic kid in a school shooting?
Target practice.
What did the man say in the morning after beating up his wife?
"I woke up Chris Breezy."
Why do rappers make terrible pirates?
Because they’re always DROPPING HOOKS!
Two guys in a car get pulled over by a cop. The cop taps the window, and the window rolls down. "Good evening, gentlemen, we're looking for two pedophiles."
The guy quickly closes the window. Ten seconds later, he lowers it again and says, "Ok, we'll do it."
Judge to the defendant: "Defendant, do you have a criminal record?"
"No."
"Have you always been honest?"
"No, never been caught!"
Police officers hope you’re a criminal.
Doctors hope you get sick.
Mechanics hope you get car troubles.
But only thieves wish you prosperity.
Weird?
What did the man who had sex with an Instagram model in the reverse cowgirl position while going 90 on the freeway get charged for?
Driving under the influencer.
What do you call it when Panera Bread commits genocide?
Panera bloodshed.
I went fishing with my grandpa, and my fishing line caught the attention of a school of fish. I told him to get my gun.
A black man said, "Where are the young ones?"
What does Santa Claus and Bill Cosby have in common?
They both come while you’re asleep.
My friends in my friend group say that I am quiet and I don't do anything bad. I proved them wrong by murdering the leader of it.
I wanted to tell a joke about Jonestown.
But the punch line is too long.
What do you call a terrorist at a cinema?
A box office bomb.
POV: Me going to jail after giving the orphan kid a computer without the motherboard.
What do you call a paraplegic cannibal?
"Dine and dash."
Why did Al Qaeda lose $100 on a bet?
They bet $100 that they wouldn't crash when they went through the Twin Towers.
Why did God steal a rib from Adam and make a woman out of it?
God wanted to show that nothing sensible can come of stealing!
Why do they call them a nonce?
Because they go for people who don't have any sense.
What do you call a nut that screws and then bolts?
An escapee from a mental hospital.
