Crime jokes

What's the difference between a glass of chocolate milk and a toddler?

The thing is, I wasn't arrested for throwing a glass of chocolate milk against the wall.

How do you make a body disappear?

You use an axe, black plastic bags, a forest, a shovel, and some ice cream because killing someone and chopping them up and digging holes in the ground and putting dirt over them is a lot of hard work!

P.S., I'm joking and don't condone these actions.

I'm so poor that when robbers break into my house,

they bring me things. <_>

When babies kick their mother, it's okay, but when I do it, it's a crime...

What's red and got makeup all over?

A Bill Cosby victim.

What's young, red, and has hot PTSD?

Prince Andrew's victims.

I asked a man if I was the fastest gun in the west. He said my 17 wasn't good enough. After that, a lot of lead went into his head.

Jim was caught beating a man up. Brooklyn took a picture of his license plate with her phone and told him, "Your life is ruined!" So Jim took a picture of her, and the next thing you know, he said, "Now my phone is ruined!"

I was in Afghanistan and I had been captured by the Taliban. I was going to get the death penalty.

Suddenly a man came out of nowhere and offered to take the penalty. It was my idolo Penaldo. He missed the penalty. Now I will die. Shame on u Penaldo!

Teacher said, "You never do your homework," so I shot her 7 times with a M1 BushDid911 and replied, "It's all in my backpack, can you grade it please?"

What do you call a gay drive-by?

A fruit roll-up.

What's the difference between the woods and a hooker?

Some hookers have passions for nature. Other hookers will Kill ThEIR Tricks for payback!!!!!!

I've been looking for my parents for years. For the life of me, I can't remember where I buried them.

Why do orphans play GTA?

Because they like to feel wanted!

Why don't pirates take a bath before walking the plank?

'Cause they just wash up onshore.

Orphans can be a robber if they want because their parents won't be disappointed.

I saw an ad that said, "By the time this ad is over, two identities would have been stolen." So, I did what I had to do and skipped the ad! You're welcome to the two people's identities I saved!

One day, I was walking through a park when I realized it was crowded.

To this day, I still don't know who let the children out of my basement.

Yo yo Zac, have you Amber HEARD about the Johnny Depp case? ARRRRRRRRRRR!

How many terrorists does it take to tile a roof?

It depends on how thin you slice them.