Crime jokes

A thief walks up to a man in a suit and pulls out a gun. The thief says: "Give me your money." The man in the suit turns around surprised. He raises his hands and says: "But, wait! You can't do that, I am a Congressman!" The thief replies: "Oh, sorry. Give me MY money."

These murder jokes are just KILLING me!

What is red, white, and blue and makes me proud to live in this country?

The baby in the corner I choked, stabbed, and then came on.

When I was younger, I thought that it was cool to use knives because kids used to ask me to use them.

By the way, have you seen my sister?

I’m here to collect my bounty, what’s your bounty? Your pants.

What's the difference between Batman and Robin?

Batman can go to the store without robbin'.

Why did the skeleton not rob the bank?

He did not have the guts!

I would kill for something to eat--the cannibal.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion... and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Did you guys see on the news where they arrested that pervert at the Michaels Crafts store?

He was running around completely naked and had sprinkled glitter all over his testicles. I guess it was pretty nuts.

If you want to see my foes, bring a shovel and bring a map and a getaway car just in case we get caught.

How many babies does it take to paint a room red?

Depends how hard you throw 'em.

How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Well, there are 69 in my basement, and it's still dark.

Q. How many dead babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A. Gotta be more than 9 'cause my basement is still dark.

I had the worst day of my life. My 13 year old ex got killed and I got fired from my job as a police guard. Did I mention that we were in Syria?

Alien vs Predator.

Cosby vs E.T.

What's the hardest thing about being a pedophile?

Just trying to fit in.

What do most 50-year-old men put inside their cars?

Children.

Kid: "Mom, what happened to Jim?"

Mom: "He got inside a white van."

What happens when you throw an underage boy between two Catholic priests?

They fight and... You know the rest.