Crime jokes

What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

Someone threw a cup at my eye. I told 911 that I was mugged.

What’s the relationship between a pedophile and a light bulb? They're both meant for dark rooms.

What do you get when you cross a pedophile and an elementary school? Predator 3.

What do you call a pansexual pedophile? Jesus.

"Bippity Boppity Boop! Bill Cosby's coming for you!"

Son: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"

Dad: "Yes, we arson."

Friend: Why did you touch me?

Me: That guy in the corner with no hair, glasses, really nice, white button up shirt, that drives a white van slow by school zones told me to and he would give me hard candy.

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

What did Julius say when he saw a woman stealing an expensive chandelier?

“Guards! Seize her (Caesar)!”

Why did the pedo cross the road?

To get to the pre-school on the other side.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'd get in the van if I were you...

I bought a gun from Walmart today. I guess they knew what I was going to do with it, because when I pulled the gun on the cashier, I realized the firing mechanism was in reverse.

I don't like to use the word "kidnapping". So I just use the term: "surprise adoption."

7 little children gathered around the bed Bill Cosby's fantasy.

All he wants to do is tickle the kids, it's as plain as can be.

7 cellmates gathered around the bed ready to rape Bill Cosby instead.

How old are you...? I don’t give a shit, stfu and get in ma van.

“NO NO NO”

I’ll give you some candy.

“Oh ok🤩”

Is crummy bears alright??

My girlfriend broke up with me. She said I was a pedophile. I told her, “PEDOPHILE? Wow, that sure is a big word for an eight-year-old!”

A man is with his friend in a bar.

The friend, out of the blue, asks, "Hey, what's your body count?"

Nervous, the man looks away.

The friend then says, "I'm talking about sex."

The man then turns back and mumbles, "Oh... I thought you saw inside the basement..."

"Wait, wha..."

"What?"

How did they know Princess Diana had dandruff?

They found her Head and Shoulders in the glove compartment.

I'm so poor that I had to rob a food bank for a loaf of bread.