Crime jokes

What did Julius say when he saw a woman stealing an expensive chandelier?

“Guards! Seize her (Caesar)!”

Why did the pedo cross the road?

To get to the pre-school on the other side.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'd get in the van if I were you...

I bought a gun from Walmart today. I guess they knew what I was going to do with it, because when I pulled the gun on the cashier, I realized the firing mechanism was in reverse.

I don't like to use the word "kidnapping". So I just use the term: "surprise adoption."

7 little children gathered around the bed Bill Cosby's fantasy.

All he wants to do is tickle the kids, it's as plain as can be.

7 cellmates gathered around the bed ready to rape Bill Cosby instead.

How old are you...? I don’t give a shit, stfu and get in ma van.

“NO NO NO”

I’ll give you some candy.

“Oh ok🤩”

Is crummy bears alright??

My girlfriend broke up with me. She said I was a pedophile. I told her, “PEDOPHILE? Wow, that sure is a big word for an eight-year-old!”

A man is with his friend in a bar.

The friend, out of the blue, asks, "Hey, what's your body count?"

Nervous, the man looks away.

The friend then says, "I'm talking about sex."

The man then turns back and mumbles, "Oh... I thought you saw inside the basement..."

"Wait, wha..."

"What?"

How did they know Princess Diana had dandruff?

They found her Head and Shoulders in the glove compartment.

I'm so poor that I had to rob a food bank for a loaf of bread.

A thief walks up to a man in a suit and pulls out a gun. The thief says: "Give me your money." The man in the suit turns around surprised. He raises his hands and says: "But, wait! You can't do that, I am a Congressman!" The thief replies: "Oh, sorry. Give me MY money."

These murder jokes are just KILLING me!

What is red, white, and blue and makes me proud to live in this country?

The baby in the corner I choked, stabbed, and then came on.

When I was younger, I thought that it was cool to use knives because kids used to ask me to use them.

By the way, have you seen my sister?

I’m here to collect my bounty, what’s your bounty? Your pants.

What's the difference between Batman and Robin?

Batman can go to the store without robbin'.

Why did the skeleton not rob the bank?

He did not have the guts!

I would kill for something to eat--the cannibal.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion... and a lifetime ban from the zoo.