Crime jokes

Why did the skeleton run away from the crime scene?

He didn't have the guts to see it.

Will: Let's bring Hannibal a gift today!

Beverly: Yeah, I bet he’d love that!

Will: Yey!

Beverly: What should we bring him?

Will: *holds up a bucket and knife with an insane looking smile* Come in the bucket!

How do you make a plumber sad?

You kill his family.

What is a pedophile's favorite song?

Jerking off in A minor.

One day, a snail got robbed by two turtles.

The cops arrived and arrested the woman for killing her cheating husband, and the son was sent to child services. (Moral - no one cares about the frkn snail and turtles!)

"Bippidy boppidy boo! Bill Cosby is coming for you!"

What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

Someone threw a cup at my eye. I told 911 that I was mugged.

What’s the relationship between a pedophile and a light bulb? They're both meant for dark rooms.

What do you get when you cross a pedophile and an elementary school? Predator 3.

What do you call a pansexual pedophile? Jesus.

"Bippity Boppity Boop! Bill Cosby's coming for you!"

Son: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"

Dad: "Yes, we arson."

Friend: Why did you touch me?

Me: That guy in the corner with no hair, glasses, really nice, white button up shirt, that drives a white van slow by school zones told me to and he would give me hard candy.

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

What did Julius say when he saw a woman stealing an expensive chandelier?

“Guards! Seize her (Caesar)!”

Why did the pedo cross the road?

To get to the pre-school on the other side.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'd get in the van if I were you...

I bought a gun from Walmart today. I guess they knew what I was going to do with it, because when I pulled the gun on the cashier, I realized the firing mechanism was in reverse.

I don't like to use the word "kidnapping". So I just use the term: "surprise adoption."