Comedy jokes
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put him in the microwave until his bill Withers.
Six out of seven dwarfs aren’t Happy.
Guy: Michael Jackson wasn’t in ancient times!
Me: hee hee egypt.
Joke: Genders are much like the twin towers. They used to be two, but now it's a sensitive subject.
What do you call a guy that's high in a wheelchair?
A baked potato.
big gay balls
Papyrus: Well come to the underground.
Sans: How was your falls?
Papyrus: G-g-good luck eve-ever ge-getting o-out.
Sans: Give me your balls!
What’s an orphan’s favorite Netflix show?
Fuller House.
What do classical musicians do when they die?
They decompose.
I love telling jokes about orphans.
What are they gonna do, tell their parents?
I was going to tell a 9/11 joke, but it was really plane.
People might not laugh at my jokes, or have a reaction at all, but I'd explode with euphoria.
Periodically, people might laugh every now and then.
Only a genius can say this.
I am stupid.
A guy goes ice fishing for the very first time. All of a sudden, he hears a voice. “There are no fish under the ice!”
He ignores it and moves to another area, cuts a hole, and tosses his line in. Again, he hears the booming voice: “There are no fish under the ice!”
He nervously looks up and asks, “Lord? Is that you?”
“No, this is the rink manager!”
A man was hitting a woman with his d*ck. Someone ran up to the man and said, "That's domestic violence!" The man replied with, "No, it's not domestic violence, it's dumbass-d*ck violence!"
Tonight, on Top Gear!
James May dives a bus full of kids off a mountain!
Richard Hammond starts WW3 in Germany!
And I fly a plane into the World Trade Center!
One day, little Sally hears the phone ringing. She picks it up.
"Hello, this is daddy, Sally. Is your mom nearby?"
Sally says, "No, she's upstairs with Uncle John."
"Uncle John? I don't know an Uncle John."
"No, no, no, you must be mistaken, daddy."
"No, I'm sure there's no one named Uncle John in our family."
"Okay, but why did you call?" Says Sally.
"Ummm, no reason, just tell mommy that daddy's pulling into the driveway right now."
"Okay daddy!"
*long pause*
"Okay daddy! I did it!"
"Great job Sally! What did she say?"
"Mommy said OH FU.. and then she ran around with no clothes on and tripped on the carpet and hit her head on the bookshelf. She's now resting it looks like... then Uncle John screams and jumps out the window into the swimming pool, but of course we took all the water out this winter..."
Then dad replies "Swimming pool? We don't have a... is this 468-1843?"
How do you make a juggler laugh? You tickle his balls.
These aren't funny.
Alien vs Predator.
Cosby vs E.T.
What did the kid with Down syndrome say to his friend?
Nothing, he had no friends.