Comedy jokes

Give a man a match, he'll be warm for a while. But set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

I was joking about self-harm to my friend, and she told me to "CUT it out!" I couldn't even laugh.

When we were at the self-checkout, she started scanning my arms. I asked her what she was doing. She said, "Trying to see if it beeps, ya think I'd get it to work if I scanned your thighs?"

I said, "Nah, bro, you'd overload the system if you put it there."

I went to the zoo the other day. The only animal there was a dog. It was a Shih-tzu (shit zoo).

What do ya call a legless prostitute in a strawberry field?

A jammy cunt.

My life.

Tell me when you get it.

What word starts with M and ends in RAGE? Miscarriage.

That joke never gets old... but neither does the baby...;)

Have you heard of the... uh Pokemon called uh rhy... rhy... Rhydon deez nuts?

Why does this category seem to have the most retold and recycled jokes on this website?

What is an orphan's favorite movie?

Home Alone.

I would make a joke about Kobe, but I don't think it would fly very well.

I would tell you a joke about a clock, but it’s a waste of time! 😄😄

Not all cat puns are purr-fect; some just have their claws.

I put this joke so the amount of jokes will be 69. Also, I have 50 kids in my basement. I fed "Twinkies" last night.

Dez nuts!

Orphans are funny cuz all they do is sing "We Are Family."

The ketchup told a joke. No one was laughing, but the egg was cracking up!

How do you tell whether you’ve satisfied a redhead?

She unlocks the handcuffs.

I had a friend who got shot in the head.

Guess you could say he was...

Blown Away!

Once I was in South Korea doing stand up comedy... and I started with a "hidden" joke and I said: "I'm so happy to be here in one of the most beautiful Korea's in the world..." which is a good joke but they didn't get it, and they looked at me badly... so I said "I'm here in the South which is more beautiful... South good, North booooooo." But still nothing, they kept glaring at me... then I realized that maybe I was in the wrong Korea.

My wife said I have no sense of direction.

I said, "Where did that come from?"