Comedy jokes

My wife said I have no sense of direction.

I said, "Where did that come from?"

Why did the booty break up with the fart?

It was just too much GASLIGHTING.

I took my 5 year old son to ride some roller coasters. I think he didn’t like it because I challenged him to a no hands contest.

He said, "But I don’t have any." He wanted to know what dark humor is. Now he knows what it is and what it feels like.

If someone made a comedy routine about Terri Schiavo, would that be considered roasting a vegetable?

What is the worst thing about dating a blind woman?

Getting her husband's voice just right.

John pretended to be a doctor.

Motu came to him. He said, "I lost my hunger."

John brought some samosas for his lunch. Motu ate them. John said, "Your hunger is back!"

Then, Motu said, "I lost my taste."

John said, "Number 1, bring some water." Motu drank it and said, "This is petrol!" John said, "Your taste is back!"

Motu said, "I lost my memory."

John said, "Number 1, bring some medicine." Motu said, "But Number 1 brought water." John said, "Your memory is back!"

Little Johnny walked into class with a black eye, and the teacher said, "Why do you have a black eye?"

Johnny said, "Well, me and my parents have to share a bed, and my dad asked me if I was asleep and I said no, so he smacked me."

The teacher said, "Well tonight, don't say anything."

The next day, Johnny walked in with another black eye, and the teacher said, "Why do you have another black eye?" Little Johnny said, "Well, last night, I did what you said and didn't say anything when my dad asked me if I was asleep. A few minutes later, my dad said he was coming, and my mom said she was coming too. They usually don't go anywhere without me so I said 'Wait for me, I'm coming too.'"

If Will Smith could be in any movie, he would be in "Find My Hairline."

A buddy and I checked out some books from a local library. When we returned them, he said, "Your sister works the returns, right?" I told him, "Yes, she does, and she will be here in about five minutes." He said, "Why don’t we put a cookbook in the women’s sports section?" I told him, "I love it!" So I picked out a Reese Witherspoon book.

Who is the least young Dave?

Dave-on.

I’ve seen more life in a trampled garden gnome than in BLESSEDBRIAN’S jokes.

"Rapeboat" makes Elton John seem straight.

The only thing shittier than rapeboats rhymes are his jokes.

Why didn't the movie star argue with the customer service clerk?

He didn't have a good counter act!

I’m trying to see things from LEO’S perspective... but I just can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.

If LAUGHTER is the best medicine, BLESSEDBRIAN'S JOKES are the disease.

W-what does, I mean uh, what is, um-, wh-what’s the difference, no... I mean- I mean what do you call a, um... sorry guys, i-i can’t do this. 😥🥺

*runs away in tears*

What’s something Bill Cosby and Freddy Krueger have in common?

Once you fall asleep, you’re fucked.

What's the funniest joke ever?

Rapboat thinking he can rap.

- What do you call a dog that can do magic?

- A labracadabrador.