Can jokes

Yo mama, why do you have to jump in the pool as soon as I can find the water on Mario? I mean, Mario jump to Mars!

What can fly underwater?

A mosquito in a submarine.

I’m lost. Can you give me directions to your heart?

I can tell you used to be friends with your hairline, cuz it goes way back.

Little Johnny said to his mate, "I bet I can make you swear." His mate said, "Good luck." So Johnny told his mate that he slept with his sister. His mate yelled, "I'm gonna fucking kill you!"

How can you tell a blonde likes you? She ducks you two nights in a row.

Why did the knight cross the road?

He can't because his armor was too heavy.

What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work?

A can’t opener!

Wow, Aiden, maybe you've been mean to Tenya. She is hurting, close to killing herself, but hey, I can pick your ass since, ya know, that is what I do!

Why do orphans like boomerangs?

Because then they can play catch.

Do you put a baby in the microwave covered or uncovered?

Covered, it can take weeks to clean up the explosion.

How can you tell that a woman cannot fit through a vent because she got pregnant from a baby elephant? Ain't no telling who's in better shape, the elephant or the woman. I guess it's probably Weight Watchers.

Kalyn: Mrs. Frizzle,

Mrs. Frizzle: Sure.

Kalyn: Can you spell I-C-U-P for me?

Mrs. Frizzle: Shut up, you little fucktard!

You can get into a fight with an orphan. What are they going to do? Tell their parents?

Why does a cow love music?

Because it can play a moo-sical instrument.

What is worse than a dead baby in a trash can?

100 dead babies in a trash can.

What is worse than that?

There's a live one at the bottom.

What is worse than that?

It eats its way out.

What is worse than that?

It comes back for seconds.

When it's cold outside, men can cut ice in three places.

What did the skeleton say when the other skeleton lied to him?

"You can't lie to me! I can see right through you!"

How many times can 46 go into 8? Just hop in the van and find out.

"Banjo players spend half their lives tuning... and the other half out of tune."

I'm a banjo picker, and I can confirm this is 99% true.