But jokes

I love necrophilia, but only if it's consensual!

I used to have a fear of hurdles.

But I got over it.

The doctor says, "Your wife is pregnant." The man says that he used a condom and the doctor says, "Yeah, but I didn't."

I was once friends with a schizophrenic emo. He tried high-fiving a tree, but it only left him hanging.

I was driving with my parent and shouted, "It's a superhero!" But I didn't know it was an emo kid.

Jeff, did you hear they're making a film about Jimmy Savile? It’s a very touchy subject.

Yeah, I did, Gary, but did you hear the reviews on the Bill Cosby film? People said it was so boring it put them to sleep.

If you want to SH but not in the sell farm way, come ooon.. do you even know what does that means?..

I’d make fun of transgender women, but that’s low hanging fruit.

My first time sex was like buying my first used, crappy car.

I didn't want it, but Dad gave it to me anyway.

Son: Can I go to my friend's mum? Mum: No! Son: Dad was right, I am a son of a bitch! Mum: Bad news, but you're adopted!!

I would roast BlessedBrian, but it seems LIFE already did a thorough job.

Genders are like the Twin Towers.

There used to be 2 of them, but now it’s a sensitive subject.

Jack and Jill went up the hill. So Jack could lick her candy.

But Jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock.

Because Jill's real name was Randy.

I would tell a 9/11 joke, but they usually crash and burn.

What sucks but doesn't suck?

Vacuums!

Suicidal ideation is like wanting to slaughter someone but knowing/feeling that you can't. It's also, in a way, kind of like seeing a really hot chick that you wish you could F, but you again for whatever reason you either feel you can't or you just can't.

I got some new jeans yesterday, until I realized they didn't fit me around the waist, so I went looking for a belt. I couldn't find one. Then I had a really good idea. I could attach a ton of watches together to make a belt! But then I just thought it was a waste of time.

What's a pirate's favorite letter?

(People will then say "r")

Arrr, you think it be "r" but really it's the "C" that they love.

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear sir,

You are being investigated for downloading illegal copyrighted material, and your internet will be cut off.

It was the year 1912. I was in the SS Titanic, and I woke from a dream to think, "I've heard of wet dreams, but is that WATER?"

Daughter: "I know this is weird, but I feel like someone is watching me when I am sleeping."

Father: "Sorry."