But jokes

Genders are like the Twin Towers.

There used to be 2 of them, but now it’s a sensitive subject.

My parents were concerned when I said I like to bleed, but at least I cut my risk of cancer and stroke in half.

Jack and Jill went up the hill. So Jack could lick her candy.

But Jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock.

Because Jill's real name was Randy.

I got some new jeans yesterday, until I realized they didn't fit me around the waist, so I went looking for a belt. I couldn't find one. Then I had a really good idea. I could attach a ton of watches together to make a belt! But then I just thought it was a waste of time.

I would tell a 9/11 joke, but they usually crash and burn.

What sucks but doesn't suck?

Vacuums!

Suicidal ideation is like wanting to slaughter someone but knowing/feeling that you can't. It's also, in a way, kind of like seeing a really hot chick that you wish you could F, but you again for whatever reason you either feel you can't or you just can't.

Son: Can I go to my friend's mum? Mum: No! Son: Dad was right, I am a son of a bitch! Mum: Bad news, but you're adopted!!

I’d make fun of transgender women, but that’s low hanging fruit.

I would roast BlessedBrian, but it seems LIFE already did a thorough job.

What's a pirate's favorite letter?

(People will then say "r")

Arrr, you think it be "r" but really it's the "C" that they love.

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear sir,

You are being investigated for downloading illegal copyrighted material, and your internet will be cut off.

Daughter: "I know this is weird, but I feel like someone is watching me when I am sleeping."

Father: "Sorry."

It was the year 1912. I was in the SS Titanic, and I woke from a dream to think, "I've heard of wet dreams, but is that WATER?"

Trump says to Obama, "You know it’s the White House, not the black house, right?" And Obama says, "Yeah, but it isn’t the orange house either."

I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift, but I couldn't find a manual.

Hot women with big boobs work at Hooters, but where does a handicap woman work?

IHOP.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high and grabbed her thigh and said, "I know you wanna." Jack undressed, and she pulled up her dress so they could have some fun. But stupid Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a son.

I tried to tell an orphan a knock-knock joke, but sadly, there was no door to knock on.

And the Lord said onto John, "Come forth to receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.

Sketchy dude: If you push this button you get 100 million dollars but 100 million people would die.

Me: If I push it more than once do I get more money?

Sketchy dude: Yes, but more people die.

Me: *rapidly pushes button* This is how you solve world hunger.

Sketchy dude: ... wtf, you're insane.

Me: ...