But jokes

I'm not racist, but the Ku Klux Klan look all the same to me.

Trump says to Obama, "You know it’s the White House, not the black house, right?" And Obama says, "Yeah, but it isn’t the orange house either."

I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift, but I couldn't find a manual.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high and grabbed her thigh and said, "I know you wanna." Jack undressed, and she pulled up her dress so they could have some fun. But stupid Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a son.

And the Lord said onto John, "Come forth to receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.

Sketchy dude: If you push this button you get 100 million dollars but 100 million people would die.

Me: If I push it more than once do I get more money?

Sketchy dude: Yes, but more people die.

Me: *rapidly pushes button* This is how you solve world hunger.

Sketchy dude: ... wtf, you're insane.

Me: ...

Why did a minister who is a Christian nationalist and a bisexual man give anonymous blowjobs to physically handicapped gay men under the handicapped stalls inside the men's restrooms at a rest area?

He wanted to eat footlong hotdogs for lunch at the rest area, but he wanted a sample first (taster).

Why did Susie get cut from the soccer team? She has no legs!

Who broke into my house by kicking down my door? Not Susie... But she still is in my basement, since she can't run!

I bought shoes from a drug dealer yesterday. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.

When the school shooter gets killed and everyone is cheering, but you walk toward his gun; "I will finish what you started."

Me and my little brother were playing Call Of Duty. He wasn't doing very good, so I told him so. My brother said to me, "At least I don't have to camp in order to get kills." I then responded with, "I would call you cancer, but at least cancer kills."

I have an orphan joke, but it needs parental guidance.

Jack and Jill went up the hill, so Jack could lick her candy. But Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock, 'cause Jill's real name was Randy.

I bought a wooden whistle. But it wooden whistle. So I bought a steel whistle. But it steel wooden whistle. So I bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle. So I bought an iron whistle. But ironically it steel wooden lead me whistle.

My friend’s mother was never a font of sympathy, but always the one to see beyond the darkness.

Upon learning about her daughter’s cancer diagnosis she said, “Well honey, at least you’ll lose some weight!”

The little camel asks his mother: "Mum, why do we have these big humps?"

"Because in these humps there is some water, and in the hot desert we can drink."

"And Mum, why do we have this large fur?"

"Because the desert at night is so cold, and then we don’t feel cold."

"And Mum, why do we got these big hoofs?"

"Because the desert sand is hot, and the hoofs save us from the hot sand."

"But Mum, what the fuck are we doing here in the national zoo?"

My syndrome may be down, but my hopes are always up.

Why can't depressed kids high five a tree? It will leave them hanging.

Why can't orphans play baseball? Because they can't find home!

A serial killer was at my house and killed all my family but me. Why? I was in the living room.

What do sloths and depressed people have in common? They both hang off trees.

What is a group of depressed kids called? The suicide squad.

How did Helen Keller lose her virginity?

I told her the plunger was stuck in the toilet, but she didn’t listen...

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest completely full of gold coins.

I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.