Business jokes

One night I was sitting on my bed in my room, minding my own business. It was pretty late, around 10 PM. The glow of my laptop screen was the only light in the room. I heard a noise coming from behind me. It sounded like the door was opening, but there was no one else in the house.

I turned around and found Mr. Incredible standing in my doorway, a stern look on his face. He walked over to me, slowly and dramatically. Then he leaned over and pointed his finger at my face, only about two inches away now. I was frozen with my back against the wall. Then, Mr. Incredible said something I would never forget: "Stop pirating video games."

Ever since that day, I have never gone on a pirating website and have paid legally for my video games. True story.

Yo mama stops at the PokeStop... to buy a Big Mac.

You're the bus driver. The bus driver picks up twenty kids, drops two, picks up eighty. Drops seven, picks up a woman with green eyes, drops off a man with blue, kicks a kid in the face, and buried his mother.

Who's the bus driver?

You will never nose [know].

So, this guy walked into a cannibal bar. The barista asked him what he wants, and the man ordered water. Then he left, because he wasn't a cannibal and just wanted a glass of water.

So Johnny Depp made an appearance on the MTV Video Music Awards as an astronaut. It really looks like he wants to be the new Elon Musk, whatever career path is most viable for Depp. I got to admit, if launching crystal meth into your nostrils and your anus is as viable as launching rockets to Mars, Johnny Depp would surpass Elon Musk in net worth.

Then again, the money Depp spends on alcohol each month, he could have bought all of Michael Bloomberg's penthouses in Manhattan. Sure sounds like he also shares the same financial advisor as Donald Trump, who thought it was a magnificent idea to launch Trump Airlines and Trump Ice. He already shares the same pro-Kremlin lawyer, by the way.

I used to work at a candlestick factory, but only on the wickends! It was illuminating!

Did you hear about the needle and thread shop?

Never mind, it was needle-ess.

When your wife gets pregnant and you don't want a kid, just come on down to Momma Mia's Pizzeria and abortion clinic!

Prostitutes remind me of chewese.

I found a dog outside a store, so I took him home with me.

The dog was standing outside a blind supplies store.

Why don't rappers ever play baseball?

Because they're too busy dropping hits!

What did the rapper say at the bakery?

"I need ALL the dough you got!"

Why did the rapper open a bakery?

To make some DOUGH on the side.

"If you're good at something, never do it for free."

Rapboat's mom charges $5 a blowie.

Inflation is so bad, McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Why did the rapper become a beekeeper?

Because he wanted to make some HONEY FLOWS.

Hi, how are you? Busy, busy today, and I have to...

I went to a truck on wheels, they said, "Wheel feed you."

A guy in a Costco was pretty pissed off at something. A guy walks up to him and says, "What's wrong, pal? Don't worry, it's not like you're on an abandoned aisle!"

Q: What did the sign say on the whore house?

A: Beat it, we're closed.