Body jokes

Getting hurt is a bone-breaking experience. It's such a spine-tingling event!

When I’m bored, I text a random number, “I hid the body... now what?”

You're so skinny that the professor thought you were the skeleton.

I have a question: Does aging affect corpses, too?

Just asking to know if I still count as a pedophile or not!

So little Susie came home and said, "Mom, little Johnny showed me his pecker."

And her mom said, "WHAT?!"

And little Susie was like, "Yeah, it reminded me of a peanut." Her mom said, "Oh, because it was so small?"

Susie said, "No, because it tasted salty."

Everybody loves guns!

Every time I show them mine, they give me free stuff.

What's the difference between an anal and oral thermometer?

The taste.

What did the balls say to the dick?

Hey dick, how's it hanging?

I don’t understand why Christians are so against body piercings. Didn’t Jesus have four?

- Got myself a bathroom scale so now I know exactly how much I poop.

- Right. So you weigh yourself before and after you poop and calculate the difference? That’s cool.

- Oh...that might actually be even easier.

A slag is like the first piece of bread in a loaf. Everyone touches it, but nobody wants it.

A policeman found a dead body of a man on the street. He thought he recognized the body and the 2 friends he usually hung out with, so he called in one of the friends.

The friend looked into the dead body's face and said, "Yep, that's definitely Joe," but then, to be absolutely sure, he turned the body over, pulled down the back of his pants, and said, "Oh no, wait, that's not Joe." The policeman called in the 2nd friend. The 2nd friend looked into the dead body's face and said, "Yep, that's definitely Joe," but then, to be absolutely sure, he turned the body over, pulled down the back of his pants, and said, "Oh no, wait, that's not Joe." Confused, the policeman asked, "How is it that when you look into his face you're sure he is your friend, but when you look at his ass you're sure he is not?"

The 1st friend said, "Well, you see, Joe has 2 assholes." "Are you serious?" the policeman asked. "Oh yes," he replied, "we've never actually seen them, but when the 3 of us hang out together people point and say, 'Hey, there's Joe with those 2 assholes.'"

What do you call a vagina with teeth?

A vicious cunt.

What's worse than sucking a dozen raw oysters out of your grandmother's cunt?

Putting in 12 and sucking out 13.

What's worse than eating 5 raw oysters out of your grandmother's vagina?

Realizing you only put in 4.

My doctor is a very attractive woman; gorgeous face, nice boobs, smoking hot body. She said to me, “You are in your 50’s now, you have GOT to stop masturbating.” I asked why. She replied, “Because I’m trying to examine you, ya’ pervert!!!”

If a man is willing to try his hardest to give you the moon and stars, then ladies, you should be willing to give up Uranus.

Want to hear something that’ll make you smile? Your face muscles.

Q: How do you get a one armed person out of a tree?

A: You wave at them.

You know, I got a SKELETON of these jokes. All are HUMERUS. Yeah, this gets under people’s SKIN, but I guess you could call their FUNNY BONE BROKEN! People try and hit me when this happens, luckily, I got THICK SKIN! Yeah, thanks for listening. Hope you got these puns down TO THE BONE!