Body jokes

A guy went to a bar and said to a friend that he found a girl on the railroads and said they had the best sex ever.

His friend asked, "Did you get any head?"

The guy said, "No, I couldn't find it."

What do you call a fat midget?

Jigglypuff.

What does my arm have in common with paper?

They both can be cut.

Cremation. My final hope for a smokin’ hot body!

What are the basic ingredients when a cannibal makes a sandwich?

2 slices of Brad.

After an intense workout, I finally have the body I've always dreamed of.

It's in my basement.

Why don't women parachute naked?

That annoying whistling sound on the way down.

Everybody loves guns!

Every time I show them mine, they give me free stuff.

- Got myself a bathroom scale so now I know exactly how much I poop.

- Right. So you weigh yourself before and after you poop and calculate the difference? That’s cool.

- Oh...that might actually be even easier.

What's the difference between an anal and oral thermometer?

The taste.

What did the balls say to the dick?

Hey dick, how's it hanging?

I don’t understand why Christians are so against body piercings. Didn’t Jesus have four?

A slag is like the first piece of bread in a loaf. Everyone touches it, but nobody wants it.

A policeman found a dead body of a man on the street. He thought he recognized the body and the 2 friends he usually hung out with, so he called in one of the friends.

The friend looked into the dead body's face and said, "Yep, that's definitely Joe," but then, to be absolutely sure, he turned the body over, pulled down the back of his pants, and said, "Oh no, wait, that's not Joe." The policeman called in the 2nd friend. The 2nd friend looked into the dead body's face and said, "Yep, that's definitely Joe," but then, to be absolutely sure, he turned the body over, pulled down the back of his pants, and said, "Oh no, wait, that's not Joe." Confused, the policeman asked, "How is it that when you look into his face you're sure he is your friend, but when you look at his ass you're sure he is not?"

The 1st friend said, "Well, you see, Joe has 2 assholes." "Are you serious?" the policeman asked. "Oh yes," he replied, "we've never actually seen them, but when the 3 of us hang out together people point and say, 'Hey, there's Joe with those 2 assholes.'"

What's worse than eating 5 raw oysters out of your grandmother's vagina?

Realizing you only put in 4.

There was once a man from Peru. Who fell asleep in a canoe. While dreaming of Venus, He played with his penis, And awoke with a hand full of goo.

What do you call a vagina with teeth?

A vicious cunt.

What's worse than sucking a dozen raw oysters out of your grandmother's cunt?

Putting in 12 and sucking out 13.

If a man is willing to try his hardest to give you the moon and stars, then ladies, you should be willing to give up Uranus.

Want to hear something that’ll make you smile? Your face muscles.