Beverage jokes

I like my women like I like my coffee: nice, fresh, and dead.

I like my wine like how I like my women: 10 years old and locked in a basement.

Did you hear of my new job as a can crusher? It's soda pressing.

Q. What do you give a sick lemon?

A. Lemon-aid.

Have you heard about my new can crushing job?

It's soda-pressing.

Chuck Norris decided to sell his urine as an energy drink, which you now know as Red Bull.

How does Moses make his tea?

He Brews!!!

People are like tequila glasses,

you gotta shoot them down fast.

Two muffins are sitting in a bar.

The first muffin says to the bartender, "I'll have the usual."

The second one does not say anything to the bartender because muffins lack the vocal ability of humans, and even with the proper anatomy capable of speech access, they would most certainly be entirely unable to comprehend the human language. In fact, the first muffin would indefinitely not be able to provide speech to the bartender. The muffins also lack the muscular structure to be capable of support themselves to being suspended also preventing their access to movement. Even with the human-like structure, muffins lack brains, which are an essential part of being able to send nerve contact within the legs to be able to move. Also, with them lacking a brain structure entirely prevents them from speech. The anatomy simply prohibits the food items mentioned to be able to carry out any of the tasks required to get them to said bar and be able to speak, thus making the situation untruthful and completely idiotic.

Julius Caesar walks into a bar and orders a Martinus.

The bartender asks, "Don't you mean Martini?"

Julius Caesar says, "No, I only want one."

Why can't I drink tea??

Because I laugh too much. TEEEEEHEHEEE

Never drink tea in school... I give people tea if they've passed out... tea can be nice, but only have it once a day... It's not what you think... It's not tea, it's CPR.

Hi, I...

Sorry, my cat touched my computer. I don't know how to delete.

The joke is that if you take a cap off a bottle, is it decapitation?

Sorry guys, it's a hard word to spell.

Q: What will we give to a sick lemon?

A: Lemon aid.

What do you call a magician that makes beer? Brew-dini?

What do you call an iPhone put into a smoothie maker?--An Apple smoothie.

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Jack and Jill went up the hill, both had Bacardi rum. When Jill's was gone, she wanted Jack's, that's why she took it from him.

How do you call Doom guy that drinks Monster Zero? Boom guy!

I like my marriages like I like my whiskey: on the rocks.