Baby jokes

What milk do orphan babies drink?

Not their mom's, though.

What’s the difference between dead babies and a cat?

The cat is still alive.

What’s the difference between cat food and tonight’s dinner?

Nothing, it’s all just mystery meat.

What's more fun than nailing a baby to the floor?

Ripping it off with a kick!

If depression on crack fucked weed and 69 hours of not sleeping and had a baby with huge amounts of autism, that would be me.

What's the difference between an apple and a dead baby?

I don't jizz on an apple before eating it.

What's red and bubbly and scratches at the microwave glass?

A baby in the microwave!

I was trying to make homemade baby powder until I realized it isn't made from babies, oops wrong ingredient... smh

What do babies and explosives have in common?

They both make a noise when you throw them.

You know why Santa's saying is "Ho Ho Ho?"

How else is he supposed to give boys and girls a baby brother or sister for Christmas?

A baby penguin sat on an iceberg. The baby penguin watched the Titanic sink.

My wife is pregnant, but when we get to the doctors, something happened...

What happened?

Answer: The husband is pregnant too, with someone else’s baby, not the wife’s baby, but the wife is pregnant with his baby.

How to make white ice cream red... blend a baby into it!

What has hands but can’t clap?

A thalidomide baby.

"Rock-a-bye baby on the treetop, When the wind blows, the baby will drop. Then the baby will lay on the ground, Not moving a muscle, not making a sound."

What's cold, blue and makes women cry?

Cot death.

Love you baby :^

A guy and his girl just finished making love.

Just as they lay next to each other, the girl asks, "Have you thought about any baby names?"

The guy then takes his condom off and ties it, and says, "Well, probably David Copperfield, if he gets out of this!"

You can't call yourself a baby boomer if you have never detonated an infant.

What did the mom say when her child came out?

"The head was so big!"

You were born on the highway. That's where most accidents happen.