Baby jokes

Abortion is wrong because God wanted the baby to be alive.

Miscarriages are okay because God did not want the baby to be alive.

What milk do orphan babies drink?

Not their mom's, though.

What’s the difference between dead babies and a cat?

The cat is still alive.

What’s the difference between cat food and tonight’s dinner?

Nothing, it’s all just mystery meat.

What's more fun than nailing a baby to the floor?

Ripping it off with a kick!

If depression on crack fucked weed and 69 hours of not sleeping and had a baby with huge amounts of autism, that would be me.

What's the difference between an apple and a dead baby?

I don't jizz on an apple before eating it.

What's red and bubbly and scratches at the microwave glass?

A baby in the microwave!

You must be from Pearl Harbor, 'cause baby, you're the bomb!

A male unexploded landmine was in love with a female unexploded landmine, and he said to her...

"Hey, baby, we should bang sometime!"

How many babies does it take to paint a house? It depends how hard you throw them.

How do Asian parents name their baby?

They drop a pot down a flight of stairs.

Me: Hi Jacob!

Jacob: Hi.

Me: Your parents went to jail for littering when you were born!

Jacob: GOO GOO GAH GAH

What do you call a parent that is pregnant?

Buy one, get one free.

I was trying to make homemade baby powder until I realized it isn't made from babies, oops wrong ingredient... smh

What do babies and explosives have in common?

They both make a noise when you throw them.

What’s the difference between cereal and a baby?

I personally think cereal is not nutritious.

"Knock knock!"

"Who's there?"

"Baby!"

"Baby who?"

"Do you want to eat this baby that I have prepared?"

"No thanks, I already ate."

How do you get a baby out of a blender?

With Doritos!

Q: The person who makes it doesn't say what it is.

The person who receives it doesn't know what it is.

The person who knows what it is doesn't want it.

What am I?

A: A baby.

You know why Santa's saying is "Ho Ho Ho?"

How else is he supposed to give boys and girls a baby brother or sister for Christmas?