Baby jokes
What color would the confetti be at a baby shower in 2025?
Orange because they're having a they/them baby.
What milk do orphan babies drink?
Not their mom's, though.
Abortion is wrong because God wanted the baby to be alive.
Miscarriages are okay because God did not want the baby to be alive.
If two eagles make a baby and two sparrows make a baby, what makes no baby?
Two swallows.
What’s the difference between dead babies and a cat?
The cat is still alive.
What’s the difference between cat food and tonight’s dinner?
Nothing, it’s all just mystery meat.
What's more fun than nailing a baby to the floor?
Ripping it off with a kick!
What's the difference between an apple and a dead baby?
I don't jizz on an apple before eating it.
What's red and bubbly and scratches at the microwave glass?
A baby in the microwave!
Q: What do you call a baby in a vegetative state?
A: A tater tot.
What do babies and explosives have in common?
They both make a noise when you throw them.
What do you call a parent that is pregnant?
Buy one, get one free.
A male unexploded landmine was in love with a female unexploded landmine, and he said to her...
"Hey, baby, we should bang sometime!"
Me: Hi Jacob!
Jacob: Hi.
Me: Your parents went to jail for littering when you were born!
Jacob: GOO GOO GAH GAH
I was trying to make homemade baby powder until I realized it isn't made from babies, oops wrong ingredient... smh
How do Asian parents name their baby?
They drop a pot down a flight of stairs.
How many babies does it take to paint a house? It depends how hard you throw them.
You must be from Pearl Harbor, 'cause baby, you're the bomb!
My wife is pregnant, but when we get to the doctors, something happened...
What happened?
Answer: The husband is pregnant too, with someone else’s baby, not the wife’s baby, but the wife is pregnant with his baby.
How to make white ice cream red... blend a baby into it!
A guy and his girl just finished making love.
Just as they lay next to each other, the girl asks, "Have you thought about any baby names?"
The guy then takes his condom off and ties it, and says, "Well, probably David Copperfield, if he gets out of this!"