Baby jokes
What's the difference between an apple and a dead baby?
I don't jizz on an apple before eating it.
What's red and bubbly and scratches at the microwave glass?
A baby in the microwave!
How do you get a baby out of a blender?
With Doritos!
Q: The person who makes it doesn't say what it is.
The person who receives it doesn't know what it is.
The person who knows what it is doesn't want it.
What am I?
A: A baby.
What do babies and explosives have in common?
They both make a noise when you throw them.
Memes
I was trying to make homemade baby powder until I realized it isn't made from babies, oops wrong ingredient... smh
A male unexploded landmine was in love with a female unexploded landmine, and he said to her...
"Hey, baby, we should bang sometime!"
How do Asian parents name their baby?
They drop a pot down a flight of stairs.
What do you call a parent that is pregnant?
Buy one, get one free.
Me: Hi Jacob!
Jacob: Hi.
Me: Your parents went to jail for littering when you were born!
Jacob: GOO GOO GAH GAH
Where do babies get baptized?
So the priest can wash their sex toys.
How many babies does it take to paint a house? It depends how hard you throw them.
A guy and his girl just finished making love.
Just as they lay next to each other, the girl asks, "Have you thought about any baby names?"
The guy then takes his condom off and ties it, and says, "Well, probably David Copperfield, if he gets out of this!"
You can't call yourself a baby boomer if you have never detonated an infant.
You know why Santa's saying is "Ho Ho Ho?"
How else is he supposed to give boys and girls a baby brother or sister for Christmas?
My wife is pregnant, but when we get to the doctors, something happened...
What happened?
Answer: The husband is pregnant too, with someone else’s baby, not the wife’s baby, but the wife is pregnant with his baby.
How to make white ice cream red... blend a baby into it!
What has hands but can’t clap?
A thalidomide baby.
A baby penguin sat on an iceberg. The baby penguin watched the Titanic sink.
What did the mom say when her child came out?
"The head was so big!"