Baby

Baby jokes

Seat

I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was next to a crying baby.

Evidently that doesn't work if the baby is yours.

Road

Q: Why did the baby cross the road?

A: It wasn't in its car seat.

Song

What's Stephen Hawking's other favorite song?

Steve Winwood's "Just Roll with It Baby."

Time

What time is it when you can smell smoke inside?

Time to get outside!

Memes

Sleep

I don't want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like my husband.

Incest

Q: How do you stop babies from being conceived through incest?

A: Cum on your cousin's face.

Insult

After seeing you sing, the dog got disinfected from rabies.

You call me a prostitute's son, I call you test-tube babies.

Pee

This shit is weird (as baby girl pees).

Dad: “Trust me, shitting is weirder.”

Swimming Pool

How do you fit 1000 babies in a swimming pool?

A blender.

How do you get them out? Slurp them up with a straw.

Trash

What's worse than 2 dead babies in a trash bin? Two babies in one trash bin.

Similarity

What's the similarity between a 14-year-old girl and the fetus inside her?

They're both thinking, "Oh fuck, mom is gonna kill me!"

Stork

I was watching a documentary about how storks carry babies from their previous life to the next.

In his old life, Michael Jackson must’ve been a teddy bear. The storks let him play with kids for a change.

Mom

There were three babies in a mom's stomach. One baby asks, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" The other baby answers, "A doctor. I want to help people. What about you?"

"I want to be an engineer. I want to make things. What about you?" he asks to the third baby.

"I want to be a hunter."

"Why?" the other babies ask.

"I want to kill the snake that spits on my face."

Pile

What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Porsche?

I don't have a Porsche in the garage.

Difference

What's the difference between a dead baby and a slice of pizza?

A dead baby can't feed a family.

Difference

What's the difference between a baby and a tire swing?

A tire swing doesn't die when you hang it from a tree.

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  • Fire

    I will always remember my baby sister's last words: "What is the fire for?"