Baby jokes

I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was next to a crying baby.

Evidently that doesn't work if the baby is yours.

Q: Why did the baby cross the road?

A: It wasn't in its car seat.

What's the difference between a baby and putty?

You can only eat one.

What's Stephen Hawking's other favorite song?

Steve Winwood's "Just Roll with It Baby."

What time is it when you can smell smoke inside?

Time to get outside!

I don't want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like my husband.

Why did the baby strawberry cry? Because his mom was in a jam!

Q: How do you stop babies from being conceived through incest?

A: Cum on your cousin's face.

After seeing you sing, the dog got disinfected from rabies.

You call me a prostitute's son, I call you test-tube babies.

This shit is weird (as baby girl pees).

Dad: “Trust me, shitting is weirder.”

I was gonna tell a baby joke, but I had to abort.

How do you fit 1000 babies in a swimming pool?

A blender.

How do you get them out? Slurp them up with a straw.

What's worse than 2 dead babies in a trash bin? Two babies in one trash bin.

What's the similarity between a 14-year-old girl and the fetus inside her?

They're both thinking, "Oh fuck, mom is gonna kill me!"

I was watching a documentary about how storks carry babies from their previous life to the next.

In his old life, Michael Jackson must’ve been a teddy bear. The storks let him play with kids for a change.

There were three babies in a mom's stomach. One baby asks, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" The other baby answers, "A doctor. I want to help people. What about you?"

"I want to be an engineer. I want to make things. What about you?" he asks to the third baby.

"I want to be a hunter."

"Why?" the other babies ask.

"I want to kill the snake that spits on my face."

What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Porsche?

I don't have a Porsche in the garage.

What's the difference between a dead baby and a slice of pizza?

A dead baby can't feed a family.

What's the difference between a baby and a tire swing?

A tire swing doesn't die when you hang it from a tree.

I will always remember my baby sister's last words: "What is the fire for?"