Baby jokes
Have you ever noticed when a woman is pregnant all her friends touch her stomach and say “congrats,” but none of them touch the man’s penis and say “well done?”
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Mom: It's time for sleep.
Baby: Is that what you think, huh?
Mom: *gives baby pacifier*
Baby: Nice try, hobo.
Mom: Well, I'll come back later to see if he's gone asleep.
*few hours later*
Baby: *still awake*
Mom: Why IS HE NOT ASLEEP?!
Baby: Lol, I told you nice try haha.
Why can’t the baby cross the road?
Walls.
What's Stephen Hawking's other favorite song?
Steve Winwood's "Just Roll with It Baby."
What's the difference between a baby and putty?
You can only eat one.
Memes
Q: Why did the baby cross the road?
A: It wasn't in its car seat.
What time is it when you can smell smoke inside?
Time to get outside!
So.. err actually, don’t worry. I was gonna make a joke about dead babies, but I had to abort.
I don't want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like my husband.
Why did the baby strawberry cry? Because his mom was in a jam!
"What did the mama tomato say to the baby tomato? Catch up!"
Mom: Please eat, baby!
Baby: No!
Mom: Here comes the airplane!
I have no dad, no milk, and no mom, so that means no tits, like if you can relate.
How do Taliban parents feed their babies?
"Here comes the plane... weeee, BOOM! 💥"
How do you make a baby survive a fall of over 300 metres?
I don't know. I've dropped dozens off the Empire State Building and none have lived.
Q. What's the difference between a baby and a bale of straw?
A. I got arrested last time I speared a baby with a pitchfork.
I ate a baby, it tasted like baby.
I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was next to a crying baby.
Evidently that doesn't work if the baby is yours.
Q: How do you stop babies from being conceived through incest?
A: Cum on your cousin's face.
Where do babies get baptized?
So the priest can wash their sex toys.