Baby Jokes

After seeing you sing, the dog got disinfected from rabies.

You call me a prostitute's son, I call you test-tube babies.

This shit is weird (as baby girl pees).

Dad: “Trust me, shitting is weirder.”

I was gonna tell a baby joke, but I had to abort.

How do you fit 1000 babies in a swimming pool?

A blender.

How do you get them out? Slurp them up with a straw.

What's worse than 2 dead babies in a trash bin? Two babies in one trash bin.

An image of an orange cat looking directly at the camera. The text above reads: "the newborn i microwaved watching me go to heaven because i confessed my sins while he's stuck in purgatory for not being baptized."

What's the similarity between a 14-year-old girl and the fetus inside her?

They're both thinking, "Oh fuck, mom is gonna kill me!"

I was watching a documentary about how storks carry babies from their previous life to the next.

In his old life, Michael Jackson must’ve been a teddy bear. The storks let him play with kids for a change.

There were three babies in a mom's stomach. One baby asks, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" The other baby answers, "A doctor. I want to help people. What about you?"

"I want to be an engineer. I want to make things. What about you?" he asks to the third baby.

"I want to be a hunter."

"Why?" the other babies ask.

"I want to kill the snake that spits on my face."

What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Porsche?

I don't have a Porsche in the garage.

What's the difference between a dead baby and a slice of pizza?

A dead baby can't feed a family.

What's the difference between a baby and a tire swing?

A tire swing doesn't die when you hang it from a tree.

I will always remember my baby sister's last words: "What is the fire for?"

What's thick and has ice in it when you take it out of a blender?

A baby smoothie.

A woman buys a house, but she doesn't know what to name the house, so she stuck her head outside and heard "Hairy butt," so she named the house Hairy Butt.

The next month she had a baby, but she didn't know what to name him, so she stuck her head outside and heard "Crack," so she named the baby Crack.

After a year or two she lost him, so she called the police and said, "Help! I looked all over my hairy butt, but I couldn't find my little crack."

A woman delivers a baby. The doctor takes the baby and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. The mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging, “WHYYYY!!??”. The doctor holds the baby upside down by the ankle and says, “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.

A guy tells his pal, "My wife is expecting. We're going to the clinic to see if it's a girl or a boy."

"Congrats, man. What are you gonna name it if it's a boy?"

"We're going with Trevor."

"Ok, what if it's a girl?"

"Then we'll have an abortion."

Ugh, don't you just hate it when you're having sex and your parents walk in the room and say, "No more dead babies for your mister, we are running low!"

When you see a group of pornstars sitting together looking up with their mouths open, that's when you know that Mama bird is back at the nest to feed the baby birds some worms.